Lady of the Past
by night-rainbow27
Summary: A year after the 5th Holy Grail War. Shirou refuses to forget about Saber. Tohsaka is trying to convince him otherwise. Then, Shirou has a sudden epiphany. What does it entail and where will it lead him? Will he be able to make his dream come true?
1. Fade

**Disclaimer: **_I do not own Fate/stay Night, or any of the characters - they all belong to Type-Moon. I only own the plot (except for the small excerpt that's from the last episode). No OCs yet. Oh, and i also don't own the song Fade. Unless i become part of the band Theater of Tragedy, i don't own it._

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**A/N **(available for my entire story - pretty much anything i could think of touching on)**: **

1. I didn't read Fate/Zero yet. I am currently reading it right now, and the process is pretty slow, reading it online (and that it's not completely translated yet). A lot of info that is included in my story i read it from Type-Moon Wiki, which has become my best friend in this time. Any information that i either didn't or couldn't find there (or just didn't come acroos it) i came up with it by myself. If there is anything amiss, i apologize.

2. In the series, some characters use the -can, -san stuff, some don't, i don't know why. I tried to keep it realistic and in tune with the series. (example: Shirou doesn't use them most of the time, but he does call Fuhimura "Fuji-nee." -shrug-)

3. This is for anybody who is willing to read this without having read or seen the series (or Fate/Zero for that matter): Beware. There _will_ be spoilers, especially in the first chapter, which - as i said before - is a direct recollection of the very last episode. Also, there will be times when Shirou, or any other character will have either flashbacks, or will remember past conversations. Just to let you know.

4. After my Yu Yu Hakusho finfics, i grew tired of saying up-front who's Point Of View it is, so i did something else instead:

Legend: 

_italic_ – thoughts only  
"_italic_" – dialogue during a flashback or remembered conversation  
- [chapter name] - Shirou POV  
—————————— in the same POV - change of scene; time passes; etc.  
straight out line (below) to separate POVs in a chapter  
Other POVs will come later and i will write who's it is at that time.

5. The names can be written differently. It can be either Emiya Shirō, or Shirou. Rin Tōsaka, or Tohsaka. Sakura Matō or Matou. I used the second option, because it was a lot easier for me. (they are pronounced the same, though)

6. Last, but not least, i hope you guys will like it. This is my first Fate/stay Night fanfic, and i really hope you will like it. It's my all-time favorite series, and because of that i put an extra effort to make it good. I warn you though that i'm not good at fillers, so i'll be jumping around a lot. (another warning) I prefer to do that than to make it boring.

Also, please read and review. It is the greatest pleasure to hear what people think about what i write. Any feedback/comments are more than welcome.

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**Chapter 1**

**- Fade -**

I never really did stop thinking about her, although life went on after she left apparently as if she has never stepped in my life in the first place. It almost seemed as if time wanted me to forget about her. But I refused. Although it has been a year – has it only been a year? – there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think about her, didn't try to recall her facial features, her voice, her proud posture.

In my mind, after she left me with only a few parting words, what happened afterward is unknown to me; I couldn't recall that evening at all. How I finally made myself to part from lake. How I made it home from Kotomine Church. How I went into the storage room and eventually fell asleep. My mind is blank until the next morning when Sakura woke me up with the call of my name… apparently just like every other morning.

For a while, I wondered if it was all just a dream, if sfhe has been just a fictive of my imagination, because she seemed too perfect in my mind. But I immediately knew that wasn't the case because Ilya was there. I wouldn't have met Ilya if it wasn't for the Holy Grail War. She lived in Germany after all and only came to Fuyuki city to participate in the war. Even if she had come here, and if I would've met her, I probably wouldn't have ever exchanged a word with her. We were of separate classes in the society, after all.

Besides her presence, everything seemed normal. Sakura started coming back to make breakfast, even though I told her countless times she needn't bother. I enjoyed her presence immensely and have always cared for her as for the sister that I never had, but I didn't like it that she went to such lengths to help me around. Fuji-nee was also there, practically begging Sakura to prepare her favorites for breakfast. I guess some things never change.

But some things have, and I thought about that, trying to drown out the loud chatter and Fuji-nee's protests against something I didn't catch.

The fact that everything had been real relieved me greatly. It really _did_ happen, I didn't just dream it all. I really did fall in love with this girl that was completely out of my time and out of my reach until the very end…despite the fact that I found out that she returned my feelings. But by then, perhaps, it was for the best that it happened the way it did. If I would have known earlier I might have tried harder to convince her to stay, therefore making it harder on _her_. It was hard enough as it was to let her go.

I still remember that day clearly. The fight against Kotomine. The ugly memories that fighting him had sprouted in my mind despite my opposition. The incredible hatred that I felt toward this man that, 10 years ago, made the great Fuyuki fire ignite. At that moment, the only thing I wanted was to cause him at least a small fracture of the pain that all those people including myself endured during that fire. So many people hurt. And so any people died.

It's unforgivable.

I remembered feeling great gusts of wind and seeing flashes of light form the other side of the church that could've only been from her and Gilgamesh's Noble Phantasms. As focused as I was on my fight with Kotomine, I couldn't help but think of her, if she was hurt or if she was all right and how she was fighting against Gilgamesh. As much faith as I had in her, I was still worried. I could sense though if she was hurt, in the very pit of my heart and I wondered briefly if it was because of our contract as Master and Servant or because of how incredibly aware I was of every move she made despite the fact that we were apart.

I remember finally defeating Kotomine with the blade that Tohsaka gave me and as he fell into the lake above which a great, black, tainted hole hovered eerily over it, I felt _her _approaching. I looked over the corrupted Grail that was the very reason for what happened 10 years ago as well as what happened now and I somehow couldn't bring myself to loathe it, although I knew I should. If it wasn't for this, a lot of things would have been different, maybe including myself. Although I would've never lost my parents and my home in the fire, I wouldn't have met Kiritsugu and took over his childhood dream of being the Hero of Justice. If it wasn't for the Holy Grail War, I would never have met Saber. And who knows what other minor things that I couldn't think of at the moment would've been different in the process.

Was it selfish to think of the good things that happened to me from such a tragedy as that fire? I knew it was. And she always said that I was too selfless for my own good. She didn't know the entire story.

As I retrieve Ilya from the clutches of the Grail, I used one of the only skills in magic that I had to I materialize a blanket and cover her naked body. I looked at her serene face while she slept in my arms and could hardly recall the time when we were enemies or when she seemed like a cold-blooded killer. Impossible even.

My thoughts stopped abruptly at the distinct sound of her armor planks grinding against each other and her steps behind me. I didn't look back. I could hardly stand to listen to those steps and feel her presence, knowing that she will be gone from my life forever.

"_I will destroy the Holy Grail_," she said, and I could hear the determination in her voice, no doubt tainting it. When her mind was set, nothing could sway her. I learned that lesson only too well, but it was still a hard fact to embrace.

I didn't answer, and she walked ahead, drawing her sword ready for the final blow. My expression turned sad despite myself, and I looked down, grateful she didn't see it.

"_Master_," she said and the word forced me to look at her back. It's been so long since she called me that. "_Your orders. If you do not command it, I cannot destroy that_." How I knew that to be true, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. "_Please use your last Reiju_," she asked me.

I tightened my grip on Ilya without even realizing it. _How can I let her go?_ I remember thinking. _I—_

"_Shirou_," she said my name and I felt my defenses weaken as I met her brilliant green eyes_, _"_I would like to hear it in your own voice_." When I heard that, I remember closing my eyes, internally struggling with myself in what was up to date the hardest decision I ever made. I remember thinking how much I loved her and how I wanted her to be happier than anybody else. How much I wanted to continue being with her, although that was wrong in my account. How I loved how she fought through, even with all her injuries, although we have had countless arguments on the subject.

_To step on her honor_, I thought resigned, but determined, _is something I must not do._

I remember feeling how much the decision hurt and how hard it was for me to form the words, although I knew full well it was the best one to be made. For her. I tried to hide that from my voice and my eyes as best as I could as I gave her my last command.

I opened my eyes and looked at her, although she was already with her back toward me, ready for my words. "_Fulfill your duty."_

She didn't look my way as she held her legendary sword Excalibur tightly in her hands and let the energy from it shine on everything around us, enveloping the surroundings in a magnificent glow. Then, without even having to utter the command, she sent her Noble Phantasm Excalibur toward the Grail. The sword knew what to do. The beam hit the Grail, and in just a few moments, it burst into a powerful explosion that created both a powerful wind and a great earthquake that shook the ground without any mercy.

After the light died down, I was faced once again with her in what I knew it would be the last time. She was still with her back to me, her soft blond hair blowing slightly in the breeze and her blue gown picking up the wind. Her armor was missing, as well as her sword. They must have dematerialized.

"_So this is the end_," she said, and I could hear the sadness in her voice. This time she wasn't hiding her feelings, nor was she holding back at all. I was suddenly struck by the truth of her words.

"_Yes, this is the end_." I agreed.

"_I became your sword, defeated your enemies and protected you_," she said, sounding solemn. "_I am glad I was able to fulfill that promise_."

"_Yes, you did well_." She stayed true to her honor and her promise until the very end. That only made me love her more.

"_One last thing I must tell you_." I waited. Before my very eyes, she slowly turned around and I was faced with her beautiful green eyes that I still recall perfectly. "_Shirou_," she made my name sound so tender and soft, "_I love you_," she was smiling slightly and her words were a mere whisper, but I heard them loud and clear. They made the knot in my stomach clench painfully, but I didn't say anything. She already knew that I loved her, though I don't know if she will ever know the extent of my feelings. I allowed myself to smile ever so slightly.

Then the sun rose, and although I wanted to see her go, it clouded my vision and I was forced to look away for a few moments. Next thing I knew, she was gone. And that was the end of my memory recollection until the next morning.

"Shirou, snap out of it!" Fuji-nee's loud voice broke through my reverie. I was so lost in thought I have momentarily forgotten that we were at dinner. Luckily, I have already got some food on plate, otherwise it would've probably already been gone by now. I looked at my plate and noticed that some of the food has been touched, but looked more as it's been toyed around with rather than eaten.

"Senpai, are you all right?" Sakura asked me, and I just now noticed that it wasn't only she who was looking at me worriedly, but Fuji-nee and Ilya as well.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just dozed off, that's all," I smile at her assuredly. Unfortunately, that didn't end the conversation as I hoped.

"Shirou, I'm really starting to worry," Fuji-nee said and she looked genuinely concerned. We've had this conversation many times, and no matter how many times I assured them I was fine, my constant phases of spacing out are really worrying them. This started to dampen my mood, though I many times decided not to show it and think about how much they care instead. "Ever since that cousin of yours moved out, you're been like a walking zombie around here. You hardly even talk at all anymore," she frowned at me and inched closer to study me as if, if she could look in my eyes she could read what was wrong with me.

Sakura and Ilya remained silent, one of them looking at her plate in silence, the other eating, deciding not to acknowledge the sudden tension in the air. I shrugged, smiled, took my chopsticks and started eating the rice that I barely touched. "You worry too much," I said between bites and closed my eyes, focusing only on how delicious Sakura's rice and ramen was.

"Now listen to me, young man, if you don't snap out of it quick, I might have to do something about all this," she threatened me and even though I wasn't looking, I knew she was shaking her finger at me.

"Like what?" I asked, disinterested.

"Like send you to a therapist!"

I shook my head and met her brown gaze. "Fuji-nee, seriously, there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. I just have a lot on my mind lately." I said in what I hoped to be a polite, yet dismissive tone.

Fuji-nee didn't seem pleased at all that I wouldn't cooperate but didn't say anything after that.

"Onii-chan needs a hug!" Ilya said from beside me and before I knew it, she took me in her arms and put her head on my shoulder. Her cuteness and innocence overwhelmed me sometimes, and right now, all I could do was put my bowl of rice back on the table and hug her back. Ilya would be my other sister that I never had.

When I released her, I saw that Fuji-nee sighed, resigned, and Sakura smiled good-naturedly at the two of us. I knew I had a family right here, though it wasn't really a blood-tied one. I had a mother and two younger sisters. Only two things were missing: a father and the love of my life.

Saber.

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We ate in silence after that, not something that usually happened at out table, especially at dinner. Breakfast was another story though – it was too early for Fuji-nee to make too much noise, especially that she was usually on the verge of being late to class anyway.

I picked at my rice unconsciously and my ramen without actually tasting what I was eating as my thoughts took over once more. It happened so often these days, I didn't even try to oppose the impulse; it has become an automatic thing nowadays when I didn't have enough to occupy my mind. And they usually revolved around one thing, or, better yet, one person.

Since everybody was silent and I didn't take the time to hold a conversation of any sort, I finished rather quickly. Not looking at anybody at the table because I didn't want to get an unwanted worried glance again, I placed my empty bowl of rice on my plate and my chopsticks neatly on top. I placed my hands together and bowed in the customary Japanese manner and said, "Thank you for the delicious food," to Sakura.

She smiled kindly at me and blushed slightly at my compliment, as she always did. "You're welcome, Senpai."

I returned her smile, then I rose from my seat and said politely to all of them, "If you'll excuse me." I exited the dining room before I got a reply.

While I closed the door and made my way to the entrance, I could clearly hear them talk among themselves, though they were mere whispers. The whispers gradually became louder, probably assuming I already left the area. I, however, walked very slow, unusually curious about what they were talking. I wasn't too surprised to hear Fuji-nee talk about me and my "current condition," as she liked to put it.

She sighed heavily right after I closed the door. "I'm really worried about him. I thought that in time he would get better, but it only looks like it's getting worse."

"Senpai is being very quiet lately," Sakura noted and I discerned the concern in her voice.

"Shirou is love-sick," I heard Ilya state bluntly and I shook my head.

"Isn't it a bit unethical to fall in love with your cousin?" Fuji-nee inquired and I could almost hear the wheels in her heard turning, debating her own question. When she asked that, I almost forgot my cover-story.

"Shirou didn't say Saber was his cousin, she was a distant relative," Sakura corrected, but her tone was a little strange to my ears.

Silence followed. I could bet Ilya was itching to tell them the truth, but she luckily held her tongue. Neither Fuji-nee nor Sakura had a drop of magic blood in them and they didn't know about the Holy Grail War, much less what Saber really was.

"That's right! And Shirou _does_ seem to have all the symptoms of love-sickness," Fuji-nee trailed off.

"Maybe Senpai just misses her?" Sakura suggested and I felt a pang of uneasiness. Sakura always seemed to end up in the middle somehow, without my intending it.

"I don't know—" That was when I didn't want to hear anymore. I eavesdropped on their conversation enough. I was touched that they cared, but I was also struck by sadness of the fact that just because they _did_ care, I couldn't tell them. Then Fuji-nee would most likely send me to that therapist she was threatening me with earlier.

I walked away from the dining room and slowly made my way through the narrow halls up until the entrance. Except for the dining room, the rest of the house was dark. It was too big only for me, and its massive size only made me feel Saber's absence even more. Along with her, Tohsaka moved out too. Since the Holy Grail was over, she saw no reason to prolong her stay, although I told her that she very well could.

"No, Shirou," she said, "I don't want to cause you more trouble with Fujimura-sensei. It was hard enough to convince her to let me stay in the first place." I didn't say anything to that, knowing that I couldn't convince her to stay. And saying that I didn't want her to go because I would be lonely by myself was just plain childish. Not to mention that I would _never_ admit that to Tohsaka. She would never let it go. So I agreed with her leaving without any more comments. All I told her as she left was "You're always welcome here." She smiled in return and went on her way.

While reminiscing that day when everything somehow went back to normal, I quietly opened the door to the front porch and let the soft glow of the full moon greet me. Beside it there were a few starts sitting by their lonesome on the otherwise clear sky. I let myself lean against the wooden rail and let my thoughts drift in the wonderful silence.

Luckily, Ilya – whom I've grown really attached to – stayed even after the Grail ended, and as a result, Fuji-nee and I adopted her into our family. She stayed at home with me and slept in the room right by mine. While I was out, to school or at work, she would leave the house too, not wanting to stay there by herself and she would always return after I got home. Her innocent and happy demeanor always brought up my mood, even in the glummest of days.

I sighed, and unconsciously realized that it was late and Sakura and Fuji-nee would be ready to leave any minute now. With one last glance at my inheritance from my foster father, I went back inside, knowing it was rude to let them leave without even a goodbye.

Just as I suspected, when I got back in the dining room, Fuji-nee, with her back over her shoulder, was taking her empty plate to the kitchen, as well as Sakura, helped by Ilya. There were still some empty dishes and bowls on the table and I hastily started gathering them.

"I'll get those, Senpai," Sakura called from the kitchen as she made her way back.

"No, Sakura, you already do more than enough around here. You guys should go home and rest, I'll take care of the dishes."

"Are you sure?" Sakura asked me as she always did, despite my assurances. I always remained to do the dishes, it was the least thing I could do after she would go through the trouble of cooking for all four of us. I nodded firmly and smiled at them. "Ilya would help me with them, right Ilya?"

Ilya smiled up at me in response. Despite the fact that at the beginning of her stay she refused to do chores, I soon told her that if she was going to stay with me, she will have to help me around the house. Sooner than I thought possible, she obliged, and learned to do a few chores of her own, one of them being washing the dishes – though I would have to put her to stand on a stool to be at a comfortable height at the sink.

"Ok, if Senpai is sure," Sakura said.

"Come on Sakura, Shirou is a big boy, he can take care of himself, right Shirou?" Fuji-nee winked at me and I grinned. Sakura obliged and walked with Fuji-nee to the front door. Soon enough, they were ready to go.

"Good night, Senpai," Sakura smiled at me, bowed and waved.

"See you tomorrow morning, Shirou!" Fuji-nee grinned at me and I waved toward the two of them before I slid the door closed. After that, I went directly toward the kitchen to clean up the mess that was left behind. Ilya hovered around me and helped me bring the dirty dishes to the sink and clean up the table.

"Need help with the dishes, Onii-chan?" she asks me, and her bright red eyes are fixed on me. She often called me that, another reason why I have grown so attached to her.

"That's all right, Ilya, I'll take it from here," I told her. She nodded, and looked slightly disappointed that I didn't need her assistance tonight, until she brightened up again. "I think I'll go take a walk and then go to bed. Good night, Onii-san!" And she skipped away

"Good night, Ilya. And stay within the grounds, it's dark out!" I called after her before I resumed washing the dishes.

Ilya was responsible, and I trusted her, but I still always gave her that warning before she went off after dark. I thought about her and how well we got along, especially how we've grown to interact as siblings after she moved in. My thoughts took over once more as I did the usual late-afternoon routine.

I thought about Sakura, who was always there for me, even when I didn't want her to, like when she was giving up her own free time to come here and cook meals or helping me with chores. I thought of Fuji-nee, my not-sister as well as mother sometimes, when I needed one. I thought about Kiritsugu, and how much I learned from him, from the few magic spells to things that were beyond physical abilities, such as being a Hero of Justice, a path I am still walking confidently on even today, so many years after his passing.

Then, I thought about Saber, who was never far from my thoughts. Her golden, sun-painted hair and green eyes that could show animosity and annoyance, as well as embarrassment and joy. Her proud demeanor and her cool composure even in the most dangerous situations. Her determination and pride as well as her honor when she made her decision. I thought of her on a hill soaked in blood from the victims of the previous battle, looking over her land, Excalibur in her hand, her army cheering for their king, a mere memory of hers I saw during a dream. Then, I saw her with her hair down, her armor gone, the sun beginning to rise behind her, giving me the tenderest of looks and saying "I love you."

I thought of that image of her that so very dear to me, and vowed that it will forever remain as clear as it is now in my mind, that I will never let it fade.

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**A/N: That's it for the first chapter. I tried to make it long, but not _too_ long. I'm pleased with it and i hope you guys are too. Again, please read & review!**


	2. Ambition

**Disclaimer: **_I do not own any of the Fate/stay Night characters, they all belong to Type-Moon, nor do i own the song Ambition. I only own the plot and Ayame, my first OC for this fic, which i inserted because it seemed appropriate. We'll see where she will get._

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I haven't done recaps before, but i think they're useful, especially that if it will happen like this time to be so late with a chapter.

**Recap: **Shirou spaced out again while he and Fuji-nee, Sakura and Illya are having dinner, remembering about the night that Saber left. Fujimura and Sakura are getting worried about his strange behaviour, but he just waves them off like it's nothing. Shirou makes a vow never to let Saber's memories to fade.

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**Chapter 2**

**- Ambition -**

The morning after Saber's departure, when I was walking to school with Tohsaka, I remember telling her that I know I'll eventually forget all the little details about her, such as her voice, or her smile, or maybe even her face, but I'll never forget that I once loved this girl named Saber. Now that I think about it, although I know that I was being honest, I wonder how I could accept that fact so…willingly.

Instead of being tender and understanding with my heart, time has been most difficult to face. I thought that as time went by, the pain of her leaving would gradually fade until it ceased completely. At least, that's what I hopefd. I didn't want my memories of Saber to be filled with sadness and pain; I wanted to remember her with joy and love. Instead, as time went on, every day without her seemed to be more difficult to face than the last.

When at the beginning I was walking confidently on my path, now, after a year, I was on my knees; soon I suspected them to falter under the weight and pain, forcing me to crawl to make it through the day, barely making it. How could I ever think that it was acceptable of me to forget about Saber? Forgetting her and everything about her seemed unforgivable. I knew the truth of my words – because time does fade memories – but I didn't want it to happen. I wanted to keep her alive until the day I died.

Her expression when she said "I love you" frequently haunted my mind, as it did now, while I was walking to school like every other morning. Sakura didn't join me today, she said she had archery club this morning although it was odd, since she usually had Wednesdays and Fridays and today it was Tuesday. But I didn't comment on their sudden change of schedule. So I was walking by myself, slowly making my way to the familiar spot where I would meet Tohsaka.

She and I remained friends after the Holy Grail War and now walked to school and back together, as well as spend our lunch period – that is, if Issei didn't have something else for me to fix for the Student Body, which was pretty frequent. Sometimes the thought that they were relying on me too much crossed my mind, but I didn't let it bother me. Issei and I were very good, old friends, and I didn't mind.

"Shirou!" I heard Tohsaka's voice and saw that she was already at the stop light – our meeting point. The familiar figure of my friend with long, dark hair and blue eyes, dressed in our school uniform greeted me.

"Good morning, Tohsaka," I said and gave her a swift smile that she returned. "I see that you beat me again."

"Well, if you wouldn't be sleep-walking on your way here, I'm sure you would make it faster," she raised a dark brow at me and we started walking once the light turned green.

I laughed at her remark, but didn't say anything and we walked in silence for a while, taking in the familiar scenery that I have long committed to memory: the cherry blossom trees that were blooming, the busy street that we always passed by, the many houses that were clothed in the frequent sunshine we had lately.

It was a day very much like this when I took her on our date, and though we both had a great time, I remember that that day ended in disaster. First our fight with me trying unsuccessfully to convince her to stay and forget about her royal duties and then our encounter with Gilgamesh.

"You're thinking about her again, aren't you?" Tohsaka inquired and when I looked at her, her blue eyes were unreadable.

"Can't really say I ever stopped," I said truthfully, looking away, a small smile playing on my lips.

I didn't see her, but I heard her sigh clearly and I knew she was shaking her head. "It's not healthy what you're doing, Shirou. Mourning over her the way you are," she said, and I could almost hear sadness in her voice.

I shook my head at her. She didn't understand. "I'm not mourning over her, Tohsaka," her expression clearly stated she didn't believe me, so I continued. "I don't regret my decision, not do I hold Saber's against her. I am just trying to keep her memory alive. My memories are the only things that I have left of her, I can't bear the thought of losing those too."

We were close to school by now, as we walked up the hill, the familiar building with the grounds greeted us. Tohsaka didn't say another word until we stepped into the grounds. "Shirou," she said quietly and I looked at her, not quite understanding her tone. Tohsaka looked straight ahead at the school, not meeting my eyes.

"What is it?"

"Have you thought that maybe doing so you're only making it worse?" she met my eyes, "For you?"

I frowned, but kept eye contact as if I didn't have anything to hide. "I'm not sure what you're talking about."

Her expression turned frustrated. "Don't lie. You know exactly what I'm talking about. Shirou, she's not coming back," she said rather harshly, as if I didn't know that already. I forced back a flinch at her words. "Don't you think it's time to move on?"

"I am _not_ going to forget her, if that's what you're implying," I said and started walking away. We were already at the school doors, our parting point. My class was at the first floor on the left side of the building and Tohsaka's was on the second, right side. "I'll see you at lunch," I called out, looking at her over my shoulder. Typical Tohsaka, she was already with her back at me, and waved, not looking back.

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School was rather uneventful that day, but then again nothing almost ever happen at school that was really what one would say to be interesting. Beside the usual, with my fellow students in my English and homeroom class teasing Fuji-nee, things were normal. People were coming back into the routine of schooldays after almost two weeks spring vacation. Most people were unwilling to get up in the morning, but they forced themselves to wake up in the morning and go. Monotony settled in, for it was too early for the excitement for summer to start building up. Teachers were lecturing us about the exams that were due before summer break and I have to admit, at the mentioning of them, I woke up form the constant haze my mind was in. The exams were hard, and I haven't given them a single thought until now. But I wasn't too worried, we took those in the middle of July.

When my class heard that, a collective groan was heard and I fought the impulse to join them. Fuji-nee, my homeroom teacher and our English teacher, scolded us and said that if we have this attitude, we will get nowhere in the future and hit a brick wall.

Sometimes I felt as I already hit that brick wall, but I remained silent.

Periods came and gone, sometimes too slow, other times too fast and I felt like time was playing tricks on me again.

Lunch soon followed and I waited for Tohsaka at our usual secluded spot. More times than not, we were by ourselves, though Issei sometimes stopped by to tell me something or ask me to fix another broken item, but otherwise didn't stay with us. Issei and I used to have lunch together in the Student Body's office, but ever since I became friends with Tohsaka, that has changed. It pained me that he had such a twisted view of a girl that has become a very good friend of mine, but there was no way around it, nor there was any way of swaying him.

Although he has accepted the fact that she is my friend and not just some witch who put a spell on me like he thought she did on the rest of the male population of our school, he still didn't like being around her. Our conversations were cut short to the few times I would randomly meet him after school and his requests to fix something for the Student Body, when he would accompany me.

My thoughts continued to revolve around Issei until Tohsaka seated herself right next to me. She had a withdrawn look on her face, and I assumed it was still from our discussion form this morning. She started eating, so I let the silence settle between us, knowing very well I had nothing to apologize for.

"Have you thought about what I said this morning at all?" she asked me after a while and I looked at her in surprise. I didn't expect her to bring it up again; I thought she would just drop the subject knowing that I was adamant about it.

"I told you what I thought. There's no way of changing that," I told her in a firm tone, but underneath I was still a little confused. Why did she breach the subject again?

Tohsaka sighed. "Don't you think Saber would have a cleaner conscience if she knew that she has left no negative energy, no loose ends?"

I frowned at her, feeling an unusual pang of annoyance at her. "Is that what you think I am to Saber? Negative energy? A loose end?"

She shook her head. "You haven't been yourself after she left Shirou, and that's a negative impact her departure has had on you. You not moving on is a loose end for her. Don't you think that she would be happier if you moved on?"

"I can't know that. I can't ask her, now can I?" I said and realized as soon as I did that it was childish. I immediately felt ashamed of my words and looked at my plate of food instead of meeting her eyes.

"Shirou," she said, her tone sounding sad, and from the corner of my eye I saw her playing idly with her noodles, "I understand that forgetting her is hard for you. But maybe it would be an easier thing to do if you found somebody else."

I was confused again. Where was she going with this? "Who would you suggest?" I asked more out of mere curiosity than interest.

Tohsaka made a frustrated sound and stabbed her noodles fiercely before she took a bite. She took her time chewing, a scowl forming on her eyebrows. When she was done, she said, "Can't you think of _anybody_ who would have a remote interest in you?" Her tone made it sound like the answer was right under my nose.

"I don't interact much with girls," I said, still confused by the turn of the subject, "except you and Sakura, who is more like a sister to me, nothing more." I didn't have very many friends, period, and least of all girls, but I didn't voice that thought.

"Well, that's your fault," Tohsaka muttered under her breath so low, I wasn't sure that was what she said.

"Sorry?"

"Nothing," she said dismissively and returned to her noodles as I did the same.

And that was the end of our conversation, mainly because Tohsaka remained silent and deep into her thoughts and I didn't want to disturb her. When lunch period was over, she walked away without saying another word. I didn't know what to make of her behavior, though she did seem genuinely concerned. Even so, meddling was not something I liked or appreciated, not even from a friend. Saying that I should forget about Saber and just find another girl almost sounded as if Saber could be very easily replaced, which wasn't true at all.

I sighed heavily, and with one more look at Tohsaka's stiff back, I made my way back to my class, which passes in a blur, as did the rest of the day. The most interesting that happened was Fuji-nee to threaten a fellow student of mine to sit balanced on his head the entire period if he didn't shut up.

Finally, after the bell rang of my final period, I found myself sighing in relief. Another day of school over. I gathered my books and notebooks quietly into my bag, although there was nobody left in the classroom to disturb except for a girl who was gathering her possessions from the floor. As I got all my stuff neatly and put my bag under my arm, I studied the girl for few seconds. She was with her back to be, so I couldn't really tell who it was.

I frowned and walked up to her. When I got closer, within a couple meters, I recognized her to be Ayame, a girl of a height shorter than me, with long dark copper hair tied in a high ponytail and grey eyes that could show more emotion than one would think. There have been a few times that I talked with her, casually, but I hardly knew her at all.

"Need some help?" I smiled. I crouched down beside her and helped her gather her loose-sheet papers. She seemed startled by my sudden appearance and her grey eyes focused on me for few second before she looked away, scrambling frantically to get all her stuff back.

"Emiya-san," she stammered slightly and when I looked at her from the corner of my eye, a small blush played on her cheeks. "I didn't know you were still here." I didn't answer, and gave her the stuff that I have gathered. We finished in a few seconds and got up at the same time. "I—I didn't close my bag tight enough and they fell," she said, as if there was a need to explain herself.

"That's all right," I replied easily and walked toward the door, waving at her while looking at her from behind my shoulder. "Have a nice day, Ayame. See you tomorrow!"

There was a very quick flash of disappointment in her eyes, so quick, I wasn't even sure I actually saw it; it was gone before I could be sure. Then they showed warmth as she smiled at me. "Bye, Emya-san."

I turned to go and walked down the now-empty school hallway. Funny how quickly the school gets from crowded to completely deserted. Walking through these hallways frequently reminded me of the fight I had against Tohsaka when she attacked me for not having Saber around me and walking around unprotected. Now that memory left me chuckling.

And just in time too, I saw Tohsaka waiting for me at the front door at the school, her face expressionless. I briefly wondered if she was going to bring up our discussion again, but she didn't. Actually, she was quiet the whole time until our parting point. I didn't bother her with more words than a mere, "See you tomorrow morning, Tohsaka!" She waved, but didn't look back. She was probably still upset at my determination, but there was no helping that.

In the silence on my way back, I let my mind wander as well as my feet to take the familiar route home. My thoughts drifted to the one person they were most preoccupied with and let the memories of her fill my mind. In that silence, I unconsciously thought of one of the things that haunted me most about her, an idea, a dream I got not long after her departure, but shook it off quickly after for the insanity of it. Such things were impossible and were mere dreams for the innocent and naïve.

I didn't give it a second thought after I got it because I knew better than to hope for the unachievable. And yet, that thought stayed with me since, ringing in my mind every time there was a moment of silence or time for me to think. It never left me in all this time, and I wondered if that was because, underneath it all, I still _hoped_ for that dream, that vision.

I sighed and wished dreaming wasn't so difficult and painful. I frowned and thought that maybe…it didn't have to be. Do I know the answer to my question? I had a good hunch, but that's as far as I was willing to go. Was I certain of that hunch? No, I was not. Maybe it was time to put that hunch either in action or to rest. I waited a year already. How much more time was I willing to let it haunt me?

Chances of such a thing actually being possible were slim to none. But it didn't matter anymore. I should go ask Tohsaka about it. She would know for sure and give me peace of mind.

And with that thought, without a glance toward the route I was supposed to take, I turned around and ran as fast as I could the opposite direction. When I reached the stop light, I took a left, toward Tohsaka's house, all the while a small smile was playing on my lips, despite the fact that the odds were against me. The fact that I had a plan and I was putting it in action made me happy, and for once in a long time, excited of the unknown.

I made it to Tohsaka's house faster than I thought I would, but I didn't dwell on such trivial matters. I walked up to her double doors from the entrance, knocked firmly three times and waited.

Tohsaka answered the door, and she scowled at the sight of me, but there was also a flash of confusion in her blue eyes. "Shirou?" she titled her head to the side ever so slightly, "What are you doing here?"

"I'll tell you that in a second, but first," I shifted uncomfortably, "can I come in?"

The question took her by surprise. "Oh, yes, come in," she opened the door wider to let me in. The scowl was still there, but this time it only reflected confusion. She closed the door and motioned me to come with her to the living room. "Tea?" she asked.

"Yes, please."

She left the room and I took a seat on the luxurious couch, right by the chair she always sat in, both of which had the same red cushion and intricate golden frame. I placed my bag on the seat right next to me. Tohsaka returned quickly with steaming tea in one of her expensive china cups in her hand.

I took the cup and sipped the tiniest bit as she seated herself and crossed her legs. "So, what do I hold this pleasure?" she asked, and I could hear sarcasm in her voice.

Suddenly, just as I was about to tell her I felt a pang of uncertainty. She was upset as she was for me just for telling her that I didn't want to forget Saber. What will she do if I tell her _this_? But I couldn't dwell on that. If I couldn't tell Tohsaka, one of my best friends and the only good magus I knew, who _could_ I tell?

"Tohsaka," I started and decided I shouldn't beat around the bush, "Is there any way, any way at all, to bring people back after they passed away?" I looked at her face closely, waiting for a strong, opposing reaction. Instead, she surprised me and merely sighed in annoyance and scowled again.

"Shirou, have you completely lost your mind?" she asked me in a tone that implied she believed so and was only asking me for confirmation. "Despite the fact that you are a mere novice in magic, you should _know_ that there isn't any way to do that. It goes against the laws of nature."

"Are you positive?" I raised my eyebrows at her.

There was the tiniest flicker of uncertainty, but it disappeared instantly. "Yes."

"Do you know everything about magic?"

"I never said that."

"Then how can you be positive if you clearly don't know all the information involved?" I challenged.

"There are some things that are basic knowledge, Shirou," her voice turned harsh, no doubt because a "mere novice" was questioning a magus' intelligence. "If you would have even the basic education in magic, like _I_ do, you would know that too."

"There's always an exception to the rule," I reminded, but it was no use anymore. I had my answer. Although I knew from the beginning that there was next to no chance it was possible, I still felt down about it. In my frustration, I drank the cup of tea in one gulp, something I regretted doing after I was done: the tea was hot and it now burned my throat all the way down to my stomach.

Tohsaka remained silent, and yet again, she had her annoyed expression, with her lips pursed tightly, eyes closed, and a deep scowl on her face. Even with her giving me that attitude, I wasn't about to give up just yet.

"Do you have books on magic?" I asked her.

"Yes, but I'm not going to lend them to you," she said in a firm tone, already knowing where I was going with that question. "Those books are decades, some centuries old. They're very delicate. I'd hate you to ruin them, they're property of the Tohsaka family." She shot her nose in the air and looked away.

"I want to do some research. If you won't lend me the books, how can I be sure that what I want isn't possible?" I pleaded with her.

Tohsaka sighed deeply and finally her blue eyes met mine. "Shirou, I told you that what you're doing isn't healthy. I told you I'm against you wallowing in the past, but you didn't listen. Now you actually expect me to aid you in this foolishness?"

"It's just research Tohsaka. Maybe you are right and there isn't a way to do this. If so, then I'll give up on the idea." I left the other side of the argument open for her interpretation.

She sighed again, but didn't break eye contact. "Even if, in the slightest chance, there _is_ a way to do this, it is most likely very dangerous and next to impossible to achieve. Don't get your hopes up, Shirou. Prepare yourself for a failure, either way," she advised me. I briefly wondered if she knew anything and didn't want to tell me or she was just assuming.

"So you'll help me?"

"We will both research in the library," she nodded.

My face broke into a joyous grin, and she immediately scolded me for it. "Don't get happy already and don't get your hopes up," she warned me again. "Like I said, chances are we won't find anything. Doing the research will just prove you so."

"Thank you, Tohsaka! When do you want to start?"

She snorted. "I didn't want to start in the first place. This is _your_ research project. When do _you_ want to start?"

I straightened my back to think about it and just now realized I was at the very edge of my couch, unconsciously leaning forward at the tiniest trace of hope. I hooked at the grandfather's clock on the opposite wall, which was close to strike 5 P.M. Sakura usually arrived around that hour, maybe a little later to have time to prepare dinner, which we usually ate at around 6-6:30. I couldn't stay tonight, because I might be late and Sakura would worry if she arrived and I wasn't home, especially that I didn't give any warning that I would be late.

I sighed. "Well, tonight is too late. We should start someday after school, so I'll have time to do quite a bit of research and come home before Sakura does," I mused more to myself. "And we can't do it tomorrow either because I have to work. How about Thursday after school?" I looked at Tohsaka for the approval.

"Thursday after school is fine with me," she replied easily.

"Thanks a lot," I said and rose from my seat, remembering in time to take my bag. "I should go now. Sakura's going to be home soon."

Tohsaka rose from her chair too and she had an odd expression on her face that I couldn't quite pin-point. "Yes, you shouldn't let her wait," she said rather vaguely. I internally shook my head. I've been friends with Tohsaka for a little over a year and I still couldn't quite figure her out. I briefly wondered if I ever will.

I walked out of the room and toward the front door with her on my tail. "See you tomorrow!" I said as I opened the door to leave. She waved at me and closed the door.

I clutched my bag tightly as I ran back home, hoping that Sakura didn't make it there before I did. I didn't want her to worry. I looked briefly at the sky and saw that it was still sunny, not giving any signs of ending the day quite yet, typical for late spring.

I looked forward to my researching on the subject of magic, glad that there was a small flicker of hope. Even Tohsaka admitted, though grudgily, that there might be a way, though "dangerous and near impossible." But regardless of how dangerous and how impossible it would be if there is such a chance, I am willing to take it and give it my all.

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**A/N: I'm really sorry it took so long with this chapter. I had a bit of a trouble with a certain part here, but i think now it's all right. I didn't want to write a chapter full of fillers just so i can postpone Shirou talking with Tohsaka about his idea for later. **

**Ok, now that i got _that_ out, let me say a few words about this chapter. If anybody is disappointed, i don't blame you. Really. When i got the idea, i _knew_ it wasn't original and that so many other people out there who weren't happy with the anime ending thought of it. I just hope that my version and how the events will play out will be orginal. Which i think they will. I hope i will prove you that. Just keep reading!**

**I apologize for any typos or grammar errors. They're completely unintentional! I don't have a beta reader, i'm trying to do my best without one. **

**Also, thank you for all those who reviews and told me their thoughts about the first chapter and for all those who faved or added this story to their alert list already. It's an honor that you thought my story was worthy to be added so soon. Last, but not least, thanks for all of you who read the first chapter, even though you haven't reviewed yet! I hope you guys will like it.**

**Read and review please! Tell me what you guys think, any pointers on improving or comments or feedback is welcome! **

**Enjoy!**


	3. The Promise

**Disclaimer: **_*drumroll* I do not oooooown....Fate/stay Night-or-either-of-the-characters! Also, the song Flow of Cause and Effect belings to Kawai Kenji, the brilliant writer of the FSn soundtracks. The song The Promise belongs to Within Temptation. Ayame is mine though. lol I own her._

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**Recap:** Shirou had just had a long talk with Tohsaka as she tried to convince him to move on, one wya or the other. Shirou stubbornly opposes and she doesn't sway him in the least. On top of that, he decided to pursue this idea he got a year ago and decided to talk with Tohsaka about any way that Saber would be able to come back. While she is against him going to such lengths about his longing, she agrees to help him. (she explains why in this chapter.

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**A/N: **Ok, i am introducing a new POV this chapter. So. - [chapter name] - is Shirou's POV and now the ~ ~ will be in Rin's POV.

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**Chapter 3**

**~ Flow of Cause and Effect ~**

I watched Shirou run through the silk curtains of my windows until I could see him no more. When I saw his figure last, I shook my head, folded my arms to my chest and scowled in his direction. Despite what he told me a year ago, when he seemed at ease with the idea of forgetting about Saber and letting his memories fade naturally, it was obvious that he has changed his mind on the aspect.

I looked back on that sunny morning, and tried to recall his expression and his tone, to try to see if he was showing any hint of hiding anything from me, but like always, I found nothing. The only explanation possible was that he had been genuinely honest when he said that. He seemed perfectly at ease and content, even happy that he had finally given up and let her go to do what she wanted to do. What has happened? What made him change his mind?

I noticed a change in him not long after that morning, and it only seemed to worsen in my point of view. He grew quieter, more reserved, and I caught him many times lost in thought and I knew right away that he was thinking about her. I had absolutely nothing against him either forgetting Saber of keeping her alive in his memory, but I didn't expect for Shirou how I knew him to change like this in the process.

I perfectly understood his longing for Saber, but I thought that it has been prolonged enough, especially that he knew she would eventually disappear after the Grail War ended. The fact that he pursued her further only made it harder upon himself. Of course, sometimes I missed Archer too, even though he has been around far less than Saber had. But in those few short weeks when I did have him around, it was pleasant. My mansion was empty, but with him around I didn't quite feel it. Suddenly, I had somebody to talk to, somebody to have tea with, even if we were constantly pressured on the dangers of the war and my eagerness to win the Grail.

After he left, my house was empty again, and I felt myself sometimes thinking of Archer. When I would, I would always curse him for being so idiotic and cocky when he fought Berserker. I was busy running away with Shirou and Saber from Ilya's clutches, therefore wasn't there to enforce the order of mere distraction on him. He went ahead and fought him until the end, until he was defeated and my Reiju disappeared.

Sometimes, despite my opposition to dwell on the past, I couldn't help not to wonder that if he hadn't been such a fool, we would've had a good chance to obtain the Grail. We would've had to fight Shirou and Saber in the end, probably after all the other Servants have been eliminated, despite what we originally planned – to make a truce only as long as Berserker was still around.

I sighed and tried not to think of the Grail War anymore. I failed. That was my first and last chance at it and I failed. That was the end of it. All I can do now is train further in magic and when the time comes, pass down the knowledge onto my descendants. That was the most important role of a magus, after all.

I looked at the window again and I could still see Shirou's figure running even though he was long gone. I couldn't believe I have actually agreed to this, but maybe it was for the best. If I didn't help him, who knows where else he would've looked for books of spells and magic, and who knows how long it would've taken him to figure out there isn't any way. If I help him, we will find out soon enough so that he won't have much time to get his hopes up.

I knew his feelings for Saber were true and honest. He told me everything, including what happened at Kotomine Church a few days after that, when I woke up from a long slumber to recover from my wounds inflicted by Kotomine himself. He told me, on my insistence, what happened, including the fact that Saber shared his feelings. Now, when I look back, I can't help not to think that if Saber hadn't told him that, it would've been much easier for him to move on. But who knows, I am only assuming.

I sighed again and went back to the living room, a place a frequently spent my time in, even by myself. I poured myself another cup of tea, sat back in my chair, crossed my legs, placed the hot china cup against the bare skin of my leg and pondered as I sipped every so often.

As far as I knew, never in history has it ever happened that a Master to fall in love with their Servant. Of course, I only had the knowledge of the past Holy Grail War, when my father was a Mater and the one beforehand, when my grandfather Tohsaka became a Master in the 3rd Holy Grail War. I don't know about the history beyond the 3rd Grail War, but still. Masters have always been too preoccupied with winning the Grail which grants whatever wish they want, not with their Servants, least of all enough to notice some qualities which may attract them.

Then again, Shirou is a unique example in a unique situation. I don't think it ever happened for a Servant to be summoned without the Master's will of doing so. More so, Shirou apparently didn't have any extraordinary magical abilities, and he still doesn't, except for Reinforcement and Projection, both of which are seen as useless on most Magi's eyes. Shirou wasn't even a real magus when he "summoned" Saber. And yet, he succeeded in having the Servant class that is seen as the most outstanding. Beside that, because Shirou's foster father, Kiritsugu, didn't pass down his knowledge in magic and the Holy Grail War – that he participated in – Shirou was left completely in the dark. He didn't even know what the Grail War _was_, let alone was Saber really was, or the fact that he didn't need to protect her, as he did so many times.

I never understood the true nature of the Grail, although I knew very well that my family was one of the few who took part in forming the Grail as we know it, few centuries before.

Shirou's situation was curious, and I was just as eager to find out more as I was opposed to him mourning over a person who was never alive – at least a year ago – to begin with.

I sighed and, almost forgetting about my cup of tea, I took another sip. It was still hot and I was grateful. Besides bad or cheap tea, the next worst thing is cold tea.

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**- The Promise -**

I arrived home just in time. At least in my opinion. Ilya was just about to disagree.

"Where were you, Onii-san?" she pouted.

"I'm sorry, Ilya, I went to Tohsaka's for a little while," I explained and hoped she wouldn't ask my.

"What for?" against my better wishes, she asked.

"I—I had to talk some stuff with her," I said lamely.

"What stuff?" she pressed on.

"For—" I was interrupted just in time when I heard a knock on the door. It was Sakura, and she had two bags of fresh groceries in her hands as she smiled warmly at me.

"Hello, Sakura," I said, grateful that she'd come to my rescue and then noticed the two paper bags in her hands. I frowned. "You shouldn't have done that. I feel bad enough that you come here almost every morning and evening to cook, now you're going to spend your money on the food too?" I scolded her and immediately took the bags from her hands.

"It's all right, Senpai, I don't mind," she said, as if I didn't already know that.

"I know you don't mind, that's partly the problem," I said, but couldn't help not to smile at her innocent expression. "What's for dinner?" I changed the subject.

Sakura smiled. "Rei-shabu."

"Oh no, Fuji-nee's favorite," I groaned in mock resignation, "I'll hardly eat tonight." Without another word I took the grocery bags to the counter and open up the fridge to peer inside. "Good thing I have some left-overs from yesterday. Hard to believe, huh?" I grinned at her and she giggled.

"Don't change the subject, Onii-chan!" she raised her shrill voice in annoyance that I have forgotten about her, or at least tried to. "What were you doing as Tohsaka's?"

Before I could explain myself, or even try to come up with a good lie, Sakura joined in too. "You were at Tohsaka-san?" she looked a bit afraid, almost like when Fuji-nee implied I was stashing girls in my house.

"Yes, we're working on a researchf project together," I said, and I just realized that wasn't even a lie. That immediately made me feel better.

"But aren't you two in different classes?" Sakura asked and I almost forgot about that.

"Yes, but Miori-sensei assigned it for both classes and we thought we should work together," I said, knowing that Sakura didn't have Miori-sensei for a teacher. I knew I had to lie my way out to Sakura, but I wasn't sure myself why I didn't want Ilya to know either. The instinct to lie at her question was automatic, I didn't oppose it.

Sakura seemed happy with that answer, though she still looked a bit worried. Ilya on the other hand, didn't look convinced. Maybe school in Germany, where she came from, was different, so she didn't understand how things worked in Japan.

I quickly and subtly tried to change the subject before I was asked any more quefstions on the matter. "Will you help me set the table, Ilya?"

And just like an easily distracted child, she immediately brightened up and said, "Sure!"

——————————

Dinner was a lot less quiet tonight. Fuji-nee had a good day at school, she was happy that her lecture went on without a single student playing a prank on her, whether physical or verbal. Now she was giddy that Sakura made her favorite dish and she was rambling about this being a perfect way to end the day. Luckily, Sakura made some sushi and meatballs with noodles on the side for the rest of us, knowing that there won't be any Rei-shabu left when Fuji-nee was done, nor will she let anybody take more than a bite – except Sakura, but only because she was the cook.

As we were gathering the empty dishes and bowl, I suddenly remembered something. "Sakura, I won't be here tomorrow for dinner," I told her.

"Oh! I won't be able to make it for breakfast, I have archery club," she looked sad at the thought.

"Oh right, tomorrow is Wednesday. I won't be seeing you tomorrow at all then," I said and she shook her head. I patted her shoulder after I set the dishes on the counter by the sink. "But I'll see you Thursday morning," I smiled and she nodded.

"Aw, I'll have to go out and eat," Fuji-nee groaned. Sakura didn't come to cook on the days that I was working because she liked us all to be together at dinner.

"Fuji-nee, you really should start learning at least the basics for cooking. You rely on Sakura too much."

"Nonsense, Sakura loves to cook, don't you Sakura?" she asked her and my friend nodded. Sakura was just too good a person.

When we got the table in order and everything was clean except for the dishes, she and Fuji-nee went on their way. After they left, I occupied myself with the dishes and Ilya went to watch TV in her room. I put it there soon after she moved in, because the only other TV we had in the house was in the dining room.

Soon after I finished, I went to bed, despite the fact that it was still early for me. I was looking forward to researching with Tohsaka, although I knew I was too eager for something that was very slim of happening, but I didn't care.

I sighed, folded my arms beneath my head on my pillow and closed my eyes. My last thought was, _Come what may._

——————————

The days passed slowly, unnaturally slow, but that might be because I couldn't wait for it to be over and go to Tohsaka's and finally start on the research. Yesterday was even worse. I frowned and shook my head. When was the last time I let impatience get the best of me? I looked back and I couldn't pinpoint on the memory, which meant that I either forgot or it never happened. Until now.

When the bell rang, I walked a lot faster than usual to the door and I made it there quicker than most people in my class, despite the fact that my seat was pretty far from the door. As I did, I could've sworn I heard Ayame call my name, but I couldn't be sure. It was too noisy in the room and I was too much in a hurry to notice even if she did. All I hope is that I haven't hurt her feelings with my carelessness.

I walked until our usual meeting point and waited, because for once in a long time, I got there before Tohsaka did. She noted the difference too, once she arrived and started to leave the school grounds.

"You finally woke up and came directly here, huh?" she said her blue eyes were mocking.

"No, I hurried," I corrected, grinning.

"So you're still asleep, then?" she raised a brow at me.

"I haven't felt this awake and alert in a while."

"Good. You'll need your entire attention-span today," she looked away.

The rest of the way we were both silent, too wrapped up in our thoughts to even think of beginning another conversation. The surroundings were peaceful, and there weren't very many cars on the street either – it was too early for rush our and most students either walked home or used the public transportation system. The silence and peace was the perfect environment for me to think and to set my thought in order for at least an hour and a half or hard reading from books that were decades old, maybe even more than that.

I mused on what those books could have to say. Surely they aren't all mere literature books because as far as I could assume from what she told me, the entire Tohsaka family is a family of magi, descending back for centuries. Other than her family, I only knew of the Einzbern family, mainly because Ilya talked about her lineage with pride a lot. Now that I thought about it, I just realized that despite that, she never mentioned her direct parents at all, and I wondered why that was. Were they both still in Germany? Or were they—

"We're here," said Tohsaka rather unnecessarily.

"I may be lost in my thoughts, but that doesn't mean I can't see where I'm going," I frowned at her, but she responded with a mock innocent smile.

"I was just making sure so that you won't walk head-first into the pillar," she said and could've fooled me with her concerned tone if I wouldn't know her so well. I decided not to comment on her mocking and let her lead the way into her house. I may have been there many times, but it's still rude to go first if it's not my own residence.

Instead of walking toward the living room, like always, she took the stairs on the left side of the entrance hall. The library was directly upstairs, but it didn't have a room of its own – it was a wide, open space that took the entire left side of the floor. On the edge it had the same wood railing that was on the right side of the staircase, and because it was open, we could see the entire ground floor from where we were sitting. Along the railing there were scattered round cherry-wood tables, each with their own pair of chairs. We didn't stop at the tables as Tohsaka went deeper into the library.

Now that I took my eyes off the beautifully decorated house, I saw the many columns of books, each one of them stacked fully – there was no empty space to be seen. I didn't count how many columns there were, but by mere size, I would think there were at least 15 columns of books, every one of them having perhaps hundreds of books each. I almost bumped into Tohsaka when she stopped, and I was grateful I didn't, especially after her previous comment.

She stopped in front of a big cherry-wood desk with carvings on the edge of it that looked like symbols in another language. I didn't ask what they meant.

Tohsaka touched the desk lightly with her fingertips, tracing the carvings. "This used to be my father's desk, and his father before him," she said and she seemed to looking at something far away. Her words surprised me, Tohsaka rarely talked about her family.

"Used to?" I prompted, genuinely curious.

She nodded. "He died close to the end of the 4th Holy Grail War."

"I'm sorry," I said, not knowing what else to say to that.

"He was a great magus," she said, almost as if that made up for his death. Then, as abruptly as she started the subject, she ended it. "There are five full columns here that are dedicated to magic," she said and her expression changed to something I recognized: determination.

"Only five?" I couldn't help not to ask.

Tohsaka nodded again. "Magic is still a very mysterious subject to even the oldest magi families. There are a lot of things that we still don't know, not to mention that are many things that have been lost in history and might never resurface again," she said seriously. "These five here," she motioned to the 5 columns full of books that were closest to the desk, "are about magic, anything and everything that was ever discovered about it. The Tohsaka family kept all the records about any discovery related to that subject, having a secret desire for generations to become the greatest family of magi. If we don't find your answer here, it is highly unlikely that you will find it anywhere else."

I nodded, understanding. I was going to walk up to one of the columns to look through the books, but Tohsaka stepped in front of me. "Shirou, I want you to promise me that you won't pursue this dream of yours if we don't find the answer here," she said, her tone solemn.

I nodded again, but when I made a step to the side, she stood her ground. "Promise me," she repeated.

"I promise," I said and she moved away. I wasn't going to betray her trust or break my promise, not that I had anywhere else to look for answers anyway. I went through the first column and looked at some of the titles that might indicate any useful information, _Ancient Magecraft, Craving the Unknown_, _Glory of the Grail._

"How many of these have you read?" I asked Tohsaka curiously.

"From two to three hundred of them," she answered idly from an adjacent column. "I can't remember all the names of the books that I've read, but if you tell me the title chances are I can remember whether I read it or not. I can tell you for sure that in neither one of them I found anything remotely close to what you're looking for," she said and I signed as I continued to look. _Famous Magi of History, Stories and Secrets_, _Teachings of Magic_.

I took the first book I looked at, having used Magecraft instead of Magic, which drew my attention. "Have you read _Ancient Magecraft_?"

"No, I didn't. I wasn't interested in Magecraft, but in Magic, so I never gave the book a second glance," she said, and I decided to try it.

"What's the difference between Magecraft and Magic?" asked, studying the old binding of the books and feared that if I didn't treat it gently, it would crumple in my hands.

"Magic is a real miracle that a magus creates. Magecraft is an artificial miracle," she answered and I nodded, although she couldn't see me.

I walked up to the desk, then hesitated. After thinking about it for less than a second, I changed my mind and went to one of the small round tables by the railing and started reading. I didn't read it thorough, only the sections and chapters that had any indication of helping me. Despite the fact that I didn't find anything useful for what I was looking for, it was still very interesting. I was so engrossed in it, I didn't even notice Tohsaka took a seat opposite of me and started reading.

I read about Thaumaturgy and what it entailed with interest, having little to no basic information of magic at all what so ever. I didn't know how much time has passed, but I continued reading regardless. Then I came across an unfamiliar term that wasn't explained in the book. I reread the sentence in my mind. _Thaumaturgy draws its energy from Akasha. _

"Tohaka," I frowned, "What is Akasha?"

She didn't look up from her book, her blue eyes still tracing the line she was reading as she answered. "Akasha is what common-folk call Heaven, but it's a lot more complex than that. It's the source from where all souls originate from and where all souls go back to after their passing."

Something swelled up inside me when I realized the meaning of it. "Saber is in Akasha, right?"

Tohsaka nodded and met my eyes. "Saber, like many other Servants that participated in the Grail Wars, being a Heroic Spirit, is most likely in the Throne of Heroes, a reserved part of Akasha."

I continued to read further, hoping there would be more information on Akasha, but found nothing as it continued to discuss Thaumaturgy. I looked over at the index of the book, but found nothing about Akasha.

I looked endlessly for something that seemed to touch on Akasha at all through the titles of the books, but found nothing. I picked up a book that was called _The World and Beyond_, but as I skimmed through it, I was disappointed to find out that it only touched at the "world" part and hardly beyond. Just when I saw the word Akasha in the passing, I heard Tohsaka's voice "Shouldn't you be home by five?"

"What time is it?" my brows furrowed, but I didn't look up form my book. Surely it's not time to go yet. I hardly found out anything at all.

"Ten after five," she answered and I immediately panicked. Not only have I forgotten to tell Ilya I would be home later, but Sakura would be home any minute, if she wasn't there already.

"I have to go," I said automatically. "Can I leave this here?" I asked her as I placed the book on our table cautiously.

"Will you remember tomorrow or whenever you will be done with it where you found it?" Tohsaka asked me, raising a brow at me.

"Probably not…" I trailed off a little uncertainly.

"I thought so," she said and although I couldn't see her face, I knew she was smiling her peculiar smile. "Then put it back where you found it and look for it tomorrow," her tone sounded like an order and I was quick to obey. I didn't want to get her mad at me in any way in case she would change her mind about helping me.

"See you tomorrow, Tohsaka," I called to her as I ran down the stairs. I didn't wait to see if she would answer or not. I ran all the way home, hoping Sakura wasn't there yet or she would be worried by my absence. I didn't tell either her nor to Ilya how often I would meet with Tohsaka for this research project.

I didn't know how long it would take in the first place, but all I knew was that it didn't matter in the least.

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**A/N: i hope you guys liked this chapter. I know i did, mainly for the Magic info inserts and such. I read a lot of cool stuff on Type-Moon Wiki that will help me immensely with this fanfic. It would never have been possible without that website.(to do it right)**

**Rin's POV is pretty short, but i think i give a pretty good insight of her thought and her personality. Also, i didn't add a lot of new information on what Shirou read, because i don't want this to sound like a textbook on Magic (although that _would_ be pretty cool...but this is not what this fanfic is about). He only asks what he doesn't know or isn't explained in the book. There will be more snippets of Magic stuff later, trust me. And more of Tohsaka too.**

**I feel bad i didn't comment on this last chapter, when i should have, but i was in such a hurry to post it, i forgot. I apologize. This is a response to Chris, who wrote me an annonymous review:**

**Thank you for the praise and i'm really glad you think everyone is in-character. This is one of the things that i find most important in fanfiction, so i try real hard to keep the characters the way they are. I hope you will enjoy the rest too!**

**Also, thank you for those who reviewed on my story and added it to their faves and alerts. It's awesome that you guys want to know what will happen next. It's still somehwta of a mystery to me too. I mean, i know what will happen, but i'm not sure how yet. :D**

**Again, read and review!**


	4. Astral Romance

**Disclaimer: **I do't own ANY of the characters. I don't even own the mangas! (but i will, soon enough! though that won't give me a right over the characters, it would still be pretty awesome) But i own more than half of the episodes... And i don't own _Astral Romance._ Last i checked i wasn't an opera singer named Tarja Turunen, nor was i part of the Nightwish band.

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**Recap: **Tohsaka is thinking at the beginning how different Shirou's situation was from all the other master in the history of the Holy Grail Wars. Shirou also went to his first research day at Rin's house and found some interesting magic information that he didn't know of before. Most of it will help him in the futute.

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****Chapter 4**

**- Astral Romance -**

Today I wasn't as lucky. Sakura already got home about 20 minutes before I did, and because I wasn't there and I didn't give any warning ahead of time that I might be late, by the time I got home she was so worried she haven't even started cooking yet. I was grateful that at least Ilya had a set of keys afnd she could let Sakura in. I would've hated myself if I knew she had to wait outside.

Sakura was easy to reassure, especially when I told her that I was at Tohsaka's for the research project. Ilya on the other hand scolded me when I got home, while we were setting up the table and it continued up until Fuji-nee came. Although she wasn't happy with me that I didn't give a warning ahead of time either, she was nonetheless defending me in the matter. The two somehow never got along as well as I hoped.

I was forced to tell them that I would be going to Tohsaka's every day after school for a while except the days I was gone for my part-time job to work on our project, although two out of the three people weren't so happy about that.

"Will you be home in time for dinner, Senpai?" Sakura asked as she handed me another bowl of rice.

"I will try to. Today I lost track of time, that's why I was late," I gave her an apologetic smile that she returned. I turned to Ilya. "Unless you want to stay home by yourself, come home after five," I told her and she pouted.

"I hardly see you at all, Onii-chan!" she scowled at me and looked like she was going to start scolding me again.

"When is the project due, Shirou?" Fuji-nee took that moment to ask her question. She didn't look up at me as she did, she was too busy counting the meatballs and splitting them among us, like she always did.

I, on the other hand, was temporarily stunned because I didn't know what to tell her. I never actually thought about this, and since I didn't know exactly how long it could take… "It's due right before we take the summer break," I said, making this the safest bet. It was late April now, I had more than enough time until July 21st when we had summer break.

"He's giving you a long time to work on it," she noted, but her tone didn't sound suspicious at all, so I didn't worry.

"Yeah, well, it's supposed to be a hard project and it's worth a lot on our final grade," I invented wildly. Fuji-nee seemed satisfied with my answers, so she didn't ask anymore. I was glad that at least she didn't ask what the project was on, but I knew that she didn't regard the other subjects nearly as important or interesting as her own.

"I know you'll do well, Shirou, you have good grades in school. Kiritsugu would be proud," she praised me and I felt a rush of affection toward her as well as shame for lying to her. Sakura nodded and smiled at me and I couldn't help not to smile back. I let my worries to the side, knowing that what they didn't know didn't hurt them.

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The next morning I let myself sleep in, knowing that Sakura and Fuji-nee wouldn't be coming over this morning, with Sakura having archery club. Therefore I fixed a quick breakfast just for me and Ilya and I was soon on my way, leaving her to do the dishes, like she always did in the morning. After reminding her that I will be staying until five at Tohsaka's, I went on my way to school.

I wasn't surprised at all to find Tohsaka waiting for me at the stop light. She had, yet again, beat me to it.

"Did you wait long?" I asked her and she shook her head.

"I just got here," she said and walked the rest of the way to school in silence, like we almost always did. The silence that settled between us was never awkward to me. When I was around some people, although comfortable with silence, I sometimes felt the need to break it, as sensing that person wanted me to say more or to continue talking. But with Tohsaka, it was different. We both enjoyed the silence and took advantage of it. She was one of the few people with whom I could be silent and not get a worried glance because of it.

"Tohsaka," I started to get her attention. Her blue eyes looked up at me, waiting. "Do you think we can research in the weekend too?"

She thought about it for few seconds. We were close to school now, and I started hearing bits and pieces of conversations from fellow students around us, but paid them no attention. "Don't you work Saturdays?"

"I do, but after four. We could cover at least two hours after lunch, I think."

Tohsaka considered what I said. "We could probably work a little bit between 1 and 3:30 p.m. You could go to work right after if you want." She agreed and I was grateful I didn't have to wait through the whole weekend to research, especially that she had no intention of lending me her books.

"What about Sunday?" I asked.

"Shirou," she said sharply and I regretted asking. "Don't push it. I agreed to help you, but that doesn't mean I'll be wasting my time all weekend locked up in the library."

"You don't have to, but I can," I said, but I knew the argument was lost.

"No, Shirou. You need a break too. At least Sundays try not to think about any of this," she advised me. I didn't comment, mainly because I didn't want to lie to her, and if I told her the truth, she would only get mad at me again.

None of us said a word after that and we parted at the school door with just a few. Then I went through the daily routine again and tried not to let the monotony swallow me whole. The year just started for only a month, and while some teachers mercifully moved on to the new material, most of them were still reviewing stuff from last year.

I wasn't even sure why they went through all the trouble. How much can we really forget in two weeks? I shrugged internally and forced a concentrating look on my face to make it seem like I was listening, while my mind drifted to much more pleasant thoughts.

I guess my expression was either too convincing or not convincing enough, because I suddenly heard Sayuri-sensei call my name and I had to focus on what she was saying, so that I wouldn't blow my cover.

"Shirou, what is the area of the circle?" she asked me and gave me her familiar look from behind her rectangular spectacles.

"Pi times radius squared," I answered. She smiled at me, praised me for getting it right then went ahead with her lecture, as I went on wandering in my own thoughts. For at least this period, I was safe – Sayuki-sensei didn't ask the same person twice a question unless she knew they weren't paying attention, and while I wasn't, I was nonetheless doing a very good job pretending.

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"Tohsaka," I asked her to get her attention. She was sitting across from me as we did the day before, at the same round table in the library. I was reading a very interesting book called _The_ _Great Grail_ – I was looking for _The World and Beyond_, the book I was reading yesterday, but I came across this one instead and forgot about my search.

"What is it, Shirou?" she asked, but by the sound of her tone, she was only half-listening.

"In here it says that the original founders of the Grail were the Tohsaka, Makiri and Einzbern families and their only purpose was to create a path toward Akasha," I read and looked up from my book to see if she was listening. Her blue eyes were focused on me, silently urging me to continue. "Well, for one thing, it's obvious that they haven't created it to share it with four other people. And also, it seems like the war took another route. They aren't interested in Akasha anymore."

Tohsaka sighed heavily. "The Tohsaka family stayed true to their ambitions. My father, Tohsaka Tokiomi, fought in the 4th Grail War to establish that path. All the other families gave up on that ideal long ago because they believed it to be impossible."

"What happened to him?" I asked, folding my arms on top of the book, listening intently.

"He died in the previous Grail War," she said, her words perfectly calm, unflinching. Her words made me think of my foster father and my natural parents and the grief I felt after their passing. The mere memory of that grief made my stomach churn painfully and make my breath get caught up in my throat.

I cleared my throat in an attempt to ease the lump that formed there. "I'm sorry," I said, though her tone was still strange to my ears. I thought that maybe she was hiding her true feelings, like she did so many other times.

"Don't be," she said easily and looked down at her book again. "He was an arrogant fool and believed nothing could touch him. That belief alone might as well have killed him."

I looked away, feeling more than a little uneasy that we were discussing matters such as this that, in my opinion, were none of my business, although Tohsaka seemed to see nothing wrong with it. I tried to change the subject. "And what about the three families? Why are there now seven Magi instead of just three?"

"It didn't happen only _now_, but ever since the first Holy Grail War," she corrected me. "For the Grail to appear there has to be only one Servant left alive. During the war, the Grail absorbs energy from the servants that have been eliminated, but only two servants weren't enough for it to materialize. It always chose one member of each of the founding families, and the rest are 'hand-picked,' depending on how great is their desire for it." Tohsaka's face seemed expressionless, but the way her eyes were studying me, I could tell that she was wondering how I was taking all of this in.

"Why was I chosen, then? I didn't even know about the war, let alone want it."

"There have been mistakes in the past," she trailed off, looking away, but only briefly before meeting my eyes again. "But I don't think you were one of them, Shirou." She paused, waiting for me to comment. When I didn't, she went on. "The Grail's ways are a mystery. You didn't desire the Grail, but you had a wish you were desperate to fulfill."

"But the Grail doesn't grant the winner's wish," I said, feeling more confused and frustrated the more we talked about this. "Doesn't it only grant destruction?"

"Ever since its corruption in third Holy Grail War, yes, but you still fulfilled your wish, Shirou," Tohsaka said and all I could do was stare at her. She elaborated. "You destroyed the Grail and stopped another Fuyuki Fire to happen. I don't know if you know this, but when the fire happened, 500 people were killed and more than a 100 buildings were burned down. You saved many lives that night."

I swallowed, never actually thinking about it that way. I only went with my gut instinct, which was telling me very clearly that using the power of the Grail to turn things back around would be wrong, an insult of the memory of all those people who died in that fire. I found out much later that the Grail only fulfilled one wish and one wish only.

Thinking about the lives that I saved by destroying the Grail made me think of my dad. Despite the fact that he always supported me in my wish to become a Hero of Justice, he told me one thing. _To save someone is to not save someone else._ He told me that many times, though I refused to believe him, thinking I could save everyone from their pain and suffering. But now, as I thought about those 500 people that I saved, I thought what casualties I had on the sidelines, the ones I couldn't save. I thought that…maybe there aren't any. The only casualties there were during the grail were the gas leaks (that I later found were not gas leaks at all) and when Shinji put up that barrier around the school and neither times anybody was killed, just minor injuries.

As I realized that, I thought of it as a great personal achievement that I could prove Kiritsugu wrong on this and I hoped that, wherever he was, he was convinced now. And more so, that he was proud. I accomplished something he had not during his life, but he had always dreamed of accomplishing.

Then, I briefly wondered if all the other Masters that participated in the War after its corruption knew about this or were oblivious to everything else except fulfilling their greedy desires. The Servants were another matter. Most of them had pure reasons to fight in the war. It seems like a terrible joke for them to fight for something that wasn't going to happen.

I started reading again where I left off, trying to piece together everything. For somebody like me, who had little to no information on magic, this all seems a lot more involved than I originally anticipated. I tried to concentrate on the lines from the book and keep my mind from going astray. _Create a path toward Akasha…_

"Has the Tohsaka family ever won the Grail War?" I asked her, feeling my chest swell up at the possibility.

However, her answer deflated my hopeful bubble. "No."

I looked down in disappointment. "So a path toward Akasha was never established," I said, purposely not making it a question. Tohsaka shook her head.

"All the other families gave up on that ideal," she repeated.

"Do _you_ think it's possible?" I raised an eyebrow at her, curious of her opinion.

For the first time, she seemed a little uncomfortable. Tohsaka looked away. "I don't know. It has never been done before. There are so many theories about it, it's hard to tell which one is true and which isn't. That is, if any of them are true and it's not just an ancient fairy tale."

I sighed heavily and closed my book a little too roughly. "I think I'll be going now," I said and went to put the book away.

Tohsaka looked taken aback as she stared at me in surprise, her eyes briefly turning to the great, big clock that hung on the opposite wall. "Are you sure?" she asked uncertainly.

"Yeah. I want to go for a short walk before I go home," I said and though I could feel Tohsaka watching me, I didn't meet her eyes. "I'll see you tomorrow at one," I said and waved at her as I went.

Her reply got lost along the way as I succumbed into my thought before I even got to the door. I had a sudden need for fresh air and some time to settle my thoughts in order before I went back home. I didn't even need to think very clearly where I wanted to go, because my feet were already taking me to the place my heart craved to see. I haven't been there in a while, and it's peaceful and quiet, perfect in my search for solitude.

I have visited this place often after she left, being one of the few where her memory is the most vivid. They came to me effortlessly when I was there, even if they weren't the most cheerful of them.

When I realized how fast I was walking, I forced myself to slow down once I reached the bridge. I sighed, already feeling at ease and I let my muscles relax more than they had in a while. I leaned against the metal rail and gazed up at the lake and noticed how the sunlight shimmered on the water. From a distance, they looked like tiny diamonds glistening in the sun. I closed my eyes briefly and let the warm late-spring breeze blow in my face lightly, inhaling the sweet scent of the lake that it brought along with it.

I noticed the sun was still up, quite a bit away from the horizon.

That day the sun was setting…

"_Saber, you need to find happiness here. You need to live for yourself now_," I remember telling her, in a futile attempt to convince her to stay. Regardless of how much I admired her determination, back then all I saw was her childish stubbornness talking to me, not the King of Knights. I was almost desperate to convince her that at that time I didn't realize how much I was hurting her.

"_I promised to follow you_," she said, "_but that does not mean I gave you my heart as well, Master_." Her voice was filled to contempt at the words, but I didn't flinch. I didn't want to show any weakness or room for swaying. I knew it was now or never.

I remember our fight that night clearly, as her harsh words swam around in my head. _I have had a single desire from the beginning, from when I took hold of the sword, and this pledge will never change… What do you, of all people, know about me? You have no right to step into my heart… Only the dead put others before themselves… I would not mind voiding our contract… My only goal is the Holy Grail. Everything else is irrelevant. You are no exception. _

I was so angered by the words that she flung at me that night that I temporarily let it overpower me and I left her there. Even now I feel a pang of shame for doing that. I shouldn't have let her words hurt me so, and even if I did, I should never have left. I was lucky that nobody attacked her while I was gone, although I knew she could defend herself. At least, against the normal Servants, and by that time, only Lancer was left. But it wasn't Lancer I was worried about.

It was Gilgamesh. If I wouldn't have been there to Trace Avalon, I don't know how things would've ended up that night. That night I told her I loved her. It was hardly appropriate, I would have liked to do it some other time, but that was the time it came out.

"_There is nothing that I care more about than you, Saber. Not a single thing I have can take your place. I love you more than anything._" Those were my exact words. Gilgamesh accused me of being unworthy of Saber, that she was too valuable for the likes of me. That is one and possibly the only account I could agree with him on. Maybe I wasn't worthy of Saber. Maybe I'm still not and maybe I never will. But I was worthier of her than he will ever be. My desire wasn't to _posses_ her, but to care for her and bring her happiness, as much as she brought me with her mere presence. Even more.

I wanted her to be happier than anybody else. That is why I chose to let her go. Despite my initial selfishness, I did it.

I loved Saber. I closed my eyes against the weight of the words. I love her.

I sighed heavily and when I opened my eyes, I saw the sun was just about to touch the horizon, and I wondered what time it was and how long I have stayed here, unmoving, lost in thought. I didn't have a watch on me, nor were there any clocks around for me to determine the hour, so I decided to head back. I took one last look on the lake and for a second, against the fiery colors of the setting sun, I pictured Saber having a small smile on her lips, and her eyes soft, tender.

In my mind, she spoke only one word. My name.

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**A/N: I hope you guys liked this chapter, though it was slightly shorter. Shirou misses Saber and he thinks about her a lot, but this time i showed you what he is thinking. I miss Saber too, i want to have her in my story. ****But anyway, i hope you enjoy it! **

**Read and review, please!**


	5. Chivalry in Blood

**Disclaimer: **_I do not own ANY of the characters of Fate/Stay Night, i only own the plot._

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**Recap: **Shirou goes through another researching session with Rin and find out some interesting information about the Tohsaka family. He leaves early though, only to take a detour and go to the bridge where memories of Saber fill his mind again.

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**A/N: **Title was inspired by the song Cavalry in Blood, by Kawai Kenji. And since i'm on the title/songs subject, usually the songs have no relation what so ever to the chapter, i just use the name. I found it is easier than come up with bad titles myself. -hehe-

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Chapter 5

**- Chivalry in Blood -**

A voice and a gentle shake of my arm woke me up from my dream. I tried to concentrate on it to determine who it was.

"Senpai?" I recognized Sakura's voice and I rose from the floor stiffly. That was when I realized I wasn't in my bedroom, but in the storage room. I remember that after we had dinner, I set to clean up around here, and after I was done, I laid down a bit to rest. That rest was, unfortunately a lot longer than I originally planned.

"Morning, Sakura," I said a little groggily and rubbed my back – it was always unbearably stiff if I fell asleep on the hard floor in the storage room. "What time is it?"

"Ten in the morning," she answered, and as if just realizing her hand was still on my arm, she retrieved it and looked away for a few seconds. Then her tender lavender eyes met mine as she smiled. "I let Senpai sleep in for a little bit."f

I closed my eyes briefly, trying to remember my last moments before I fell asleep, but for the life of me I couldn't. I shook my head and got to my feet as Sakura backed away a few steps to give me a bit of space to do so.

"Breakfast is ready," she said, having that small smile of her lips and cocking her head to the side. I returned her smile, but didn't comment while we walked toward the house together. Sakura's reply to my lectures was always the same and I learned not to repeat them in time. Sakura genuinely enjoyed doing all this for me, and while I was above and beyond grateful, I still felt a little uneasy sometimes about it. So instead of scolding her that she did too much around the house, I helped her along, as I always had and enjoyed her company to the fullest.

Unfortunately, this morning I couldn't enjoy Sakura's sole company for long, because just as I stepped into the dining room, all the noise erupted.

"Shirou, what took you so long?" Fuji-nee complained loudly. I sighed, took my usual seat and took some food into my place before I could start on my explanation.

"I tried to wake you up, Onii-chan," Ilya started before I could. "You know that sleeping in the storage room isn't good for you," she frowned at me as she took a bite from her food.

"I'm sorry, Ilya, I'm a heavy sleeper," I grinned sheepishly, then I spoke to all three of the present people at the table. "I apologize you had to wait for me."

"It's all right, Senpai—" Sakura started but her voice was quickly drowned out by Fuji-nee's.

"I have to have a late breakfast because of you! My stomach was ready for breakfast since seven!" she proclaimed while I tried my best to appear sympathetic, but failed at that remark.

"Your stomach is always ready for food, regardless of the hour," I raised an eyebrow at her while I looked at Fuji-nee from the corner of my eye to see her reaction.

She surprised me by merely _hmph_ing and then returned to her food. Not long after that, her mood brightened considerably and started talking to Sakura about something I didn't catch. All these months when I succumbed into my quiet reverie has given me quite a bit of experience at blocking out unwanted noise from the outside. Although I was right there, I didn't hear a word about what they were talking about, although I was consciously looking from one to the other, giving the impression that I was listening.

I picked at my food unconsciously, yet again, hardly noticing what I was eating, but realizing how tasty it was. I looked at my right and tried to picture Saber there, eating with us, her eyes closed, lost in thought herself.

"What do you think, Shirou?" Fuji-nee asked me and my mental image of Saber was shattered. I looked at her and saw that she was waiting for an answer expectantly. It was too risky to give a random answer, so I decided to be honest and not pretend.

"What?"

If Fuji-nee felt any dose of annoyance or worry at my spacing out again, she surprised me for the second time this morning by not showing it. "I was just talking with Sakura about our plans this weekend and we were thinking of going shopping and maybe taking Ilya with us. What do you think?" she repeated her question.

My eyes flickered to Ilya who was smiling excitedly at me. But the look on her face, I assumed that she wanted to go. "That would be great!" I said, genuinely happy that they we going to take Ilya with them and have fun together. I was glad that at least Fuji-nee was putting on a conscious effort to make Ilya happy too, especially that the two of them were never on the best of terms.

Ilya squealed in glee because it was the first time that Fuji-nee took her along with Sakura shopping. I smiled at her, thinking how something so little can make her so happy.

"Won't you be lonely by yourself, Onii-chan?" Ilya asked me and I patted her head in a loving gesture.

"Don't worry about me, Ilya, you have fun," I smiled at her.

"Do you have plans for the weekend, Shirou?" Fuji-nee asked me and appeared she was just curious.

"I'm going to Tohsaka's this after-noon," I answered, taking another bite of my food.

"On a Saturday?" Fuji-nee questioned me, for the first time looking away from her plate and meeting my eyes.

I tried to appear nonchalant when I just realized that since they would be leaving the house for a while, I could've very well kept that information to myself. "Why not? The sooner we finish, the better," I said.

"Why doesn't Rin-san come here?" Ilya asked me.

"Tohsaka has all the books we need at her house. I'm just grateful she's letting me use them too," I answered and I was proud to see that I didn't have to lie further.

Fuji-nee nodded, understanding and returned to her food, as did Ilya. Out of the corner of my eye I saw that Sakura had her head bowed, and her hands folded in her lap; she wasn't touching her food at all. I frowned and peered at her closely. I couldn't read her expression because her long, lavender bangs were obscuring her eyes. "Are you all right, Sakura?"

She looked at me quickly, as if she just know acknowledged my presence. "You look tired," I continued. "You should've let me do the cooking this morning."

"Oh no, Senpai, I'm all right," she assured me, smiling and I let my worries at rest, although she still looked a little down underneath that smiling expression she put on.

"By the way, this is delicious," I told her, wanting to brighten up her mood. My compliment has the desired effect: she blushed and her smile widened.

We finished eating soon afterward. After Sakura, Fuji-nee and Ilya helped me clean up the table, I would remain to do the dishes while they went along shopping. Just as the other two were getting ready to leave, Ilya walked up to me and told me that she'll be back as soon as she could, but I told her – once again – not to worry about me and to stay as long as she they need.

"Besides," I add, "I'll be at Tohsaka's and then I'm at work until ten."

"Oh yeah," she said, just now remembering, "Onii-chan works on Saturdays." Ilya sighed, seeming put-down.

"Shirou," Fuji-nee said, coming to my side, "if you want, and if Ilya wants, I could have her over at my house for today and overnight."

I stared at her, completely taken aback. I looked at Ilya uncertainly. "Would you like to go?" I asked her, wanting to leave the decision up to her. Ilya looked confused and unsure of what to say herself, no doubt thinking what has gotten into Fuji-nee, first taking her shopping and now offering to have her stay overnight.

Ilya's red eyes flickered from me to Fuji-nee. As if to convince her, she added, "I have ice cream and a flat screen TV," Fuji-nee grinned and Ilya shared it at the news and nodded, agreeing to come at her house.

I looked at my not-mother and smiled at her. "Thanks for doing that."

She waved me off. "No problem, Shirou. Besides," she let a small smile on her lips, making her expression look loving, tender, "Ilya's part of the family. We haven't been on the best of terms in the past, but that doesn't mean things should stay that way." Fuji-nee looked down to meet Ilya's eager but confused expression and patted her head.

I nodded, feeling a rush of affection toward her. She took Ilya by the hand and turned to Sakura. "Off we go!" she pointed at the door as if they were sailing on a ship and she was the captain. I waved at them, keeping my eyes on Ilya – who was skipping happily beside Fuji-nee – before I slid the door shut.

I went ahead and washed the dishes, taking my time with them because I knew I will had quite a bit if time to spare before I headed toward Tohsaka's. My heart leaped at the thought of at least getting closer to some answers.

I scrubbed at the dirty dishes, my grip unconsciously slackening as I thought of how happy I would be if I could get to see her again – and not just in my mind – to see her smile, or hold her hand, or maybe feel her soft lips on mine for the second time ever or tell her how much I loved her.

I sighed and told myself I shouldn't rush things. The answer will come to me soon enough, I was sure of it.

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"Shirou, you're early," said Tohsaka, looking surprised when she opened the door for me.

"I thought better early than late," I grinned sheepishly, remembering the last few times I was late when I had to meet with her.

She shared my grin and opened the door wider to let me in. "You got that right."

Tohsaka walked ahead the familiar way toward the library that I already memorized. Once we got to our usual table, we succumbed into our books and thoughts, barely making any conversation except for the few questions I had for her and barely making any progress.

Despite that fact, I was enjoying finding out all this new information about magic, things that I never would've dreamed of hearing or reading about and suddenly realizing they were possible. Although the process was sluggish, considering how many books on magic Tohsaka had, I didn't feel the least frustrated or impatient. At least not yet.

It was too early to think about that, but even so, i was feeling very hopeful. I didn't know if that was because it was still too soon to determine these things or because I genuinely believed it. It was, perhaps, a bit of both.

Regardless, I kept my focus on my studying and kept my thoughts at bay. It was harder than I thought. After an entire year of giving them complete control to roam in my mind as they pleased, I was suddenly reining them in. I succeeded, although they put off a good fight.

Just when I was reading about Tracing in a book about Magic Spells – I was merely curious and I trailed off unconsciously from my questions – Tohsaka informed me that it was quarter to four and I should hurry up if I wanted to make it to work on time.

"Why didn't you kick me out at 3:30 like we discussed?" I asked her, but felt grateful at the same time.

She shrugged and but didn't answer my question. I smiled at her. "Thank you so much for doing this for me," I said.

Tohsaka looked away and sighed. "You're welcome, Shirou. Now hurry up. You know how I hate people being late," she shooed me away from her doorstep and all I could do was wave at her quickly before starting to run down the hill the Tohsaka manor was on and through the busy streets and intersections toward The Copenhagen Bar, the liquor store I worked at.

I burst in through the door harder than I originally planned, the bell ringing loudly as the door smacked against it and I looked at the clock on the wall. It read 4:02 P.M. I was as on time as I could have been in the circumstances.

"Emi-yan, is that you?" I heard Neko-san's voice from one of the rooms in the back.

"Yes, and I'm on time!" I added unncecessarily and I heard her laugh.

"Come back here, we have a long after-noon ahead of us," she said and I walked beyond the door with the warning sign that said "Employees Only." What greeted me were more boxes full of freshly processed liquor than I've seen in a few months. Usually it's like this around November, probably with Christmas and New Years coming.

I stared at the packed room – there was hardly any room to walk through but a small trail. "What's all the commotion about?" I asked the owner.

She shrugged, but didn't seem troubled, which didn't really surprise me. This meant business for her, after all. "I could care less as long as business is going well," she grinned at me.

"What do you want me to do, Neko-san?" I asked her, using her preferred name instead of her real one as I always have.

"Your job today is move as many boxes as you can from here into the truck in front of the store," she instructed me and I was slightly bewildered, since I didn't notice any truck when I got there. I looked out the door and through the blinds, I could make out the white outline of a big truck, ready to pick up the merchandise to the desired destination.

I nodded and just as I was about to start, she continued. "And don't go overexerting yourself, Emi-yan, and take as many breaks as you need. Those boxes are heavy," her brows creased slightly as she looked at me.

I gave her an assured smile. "Don't worry about me, Neko-san."

I took a box and propped it against the open door so I wouldn't have to worry about it and started taking transporting the boxes into the truck. Neko-san was right. They were heavy. I briefly wondered how many bottles there were in each box. Six maybe? Or eight? But it didn't matter. I was used to the usual work at the The Copenhagen Bar, and boxes of six-eight bottles of liquor a piece has long started to be routine for me.

While I started taking two boxes at a time to speed up the process, Neko-san was working at the cashier, doing the weekly inventory and helping any customer that came inside.

I let my thoughts wander in the process, and did my job mechanically, already forgetting how many I already took toward the truck. I didn't even notice how two hours already passed until Neko-san literally had to wake me up from my trance to offer me a cold glass of water.

I didn't even realize I was panting until I came back down to earth. Neko-san's face was kind, but she obviously didn't appreciate the fact that I didn't listen to her about taking breaks. I took the glass from her and smiled gratefully.

"Thank you," I almost gasped out and I drank my glass in one gulp.

"You need some more, Emi-yan?" her chocolate brown eyes bored into mine. Just when I wanted to answer, out of the corner of my eye I saw that somebody stepped in the shop. "I'll get it," I told her as she went to take care of the customer and I went to the water fountain to refill my glass.

As I worked, time passed with unbelievable speed, as the sun slowly started setting, casting fiery rays in between the store's plastic blinds. I had to look away everytime those rays touched my face, sun being almost blinding. At one point, I looked away instinctively although the sun was far gone from the horizon. Slowly, the truck started filling up and the room that was initially full of boxes started clearing up without me even realizing it.

When I had close to only three rows of boxes all against the far wall, I felt a strong arm grip my shoulder. I looked over my shoulder and saw that it was Ryo-san, Neko-san's husband. "Shirou, I think that's enough for today," he said, his voice sounding gentle but firm.

"What time is it?" I asked automatically, not wanting to leave before my shift ended.

"Quarter after ten," he answered and let go of my shoulder. His face looked surprisingly soft, despite the many wrinkles it held, a sign of his old age and equal wisdom.

"I could stay to finish, I'm almost done—"

"No, Shirou, it's past closing time. Besides, I'll have Ichiro do the rest tomorrow," he said, referring to the employee who came to the Bar on Sundays among other days. "You did more than your fair share anyway. I'll have to think of something creayive to give him to do tomorrow," he grinned and flahsed me a set of still-perfect white teeth.

I obliged with my employer's wishes. "I'll be going then. Have a good weekend," I waved at the married couple as I exited the The Copenhagen Bar.

"See you Monday, Emi-yan!" Neko-san called after me before closing the door and putting the "Closed" sign on.

I smiled at the empty streets, walking slower than usual home, knowing that I do't have to hurry at home for Ilya or for anybody. For once, that sounded nice, not having to worry about anybody. I surveyed my surroundinds, and noticed how everything was clothed in the artificial light from the streetlamps. I looked at the sky briefly, but I couldn't find the moon. It was probably hidden behind one of the skyscrapers of Fuyuki city.

I stuffed my hands in my pockets and allowed myself the luxury of going on a detour, enjoying the virtually deserted streets. It was a night such as this that I had that fight with Saber and I left her on the bridge, only to have to go back to her and bring her back home. The sky was clear, and everything in sight was quiet and still. Until _he_ came.

I shoved away that image and tried to focus on Saber instead, which I could always do it the slightest effort. I breathed in deeply, imagining her sweet scent fill the air around me. I closed my eyes briefly, making it all the better as I did so. Then—

A powerful and terrified shriek filled the silence around me. I automatically opened my eyes, feeling myself rotted on the spot for few very tense seconds. I forced my body to obey my commands to look around for the source of the scream. I didn't see anybody, but I did see three shadows moving restlessly in the darkness a few ways away from where I was, across the street. I willed myself to walk further and get a better look of what was going on.

A voice resonated and I strained to understand what it said. By the intonation and how the words were rather slurred together, I assumed the owner of that vocie was drunk. "—Give us the watch, lady, and nobody will get hurt," he said, but it sounded more like "Gwibe 's th' wotch laddy, an' nob'dy'll git huirt."

Just as I got closer, I could hear a woman sobbing and I saw her on her knees, no doubt the same woman who screamed. There was somebody else present, but by judging how that person towered over the woman, he was in the same league with the drunkard doing all the threatening, no doubt drunk also.

Fresh, boiling anger surged through my veins and I ran as fast as I could toward the two men. I saw the one who has been silent raise his hand, as if readying it to strike and I forced myself to go faster before he touched the innocent woman.

I got there just in time. I stepped in front of the woman and grabbed a hold of his wrist. The man, now that I saw him clearly in the streetlight, looked like a bum who had too many drinks and was picking on a fight out of nowhere for the heck of it. Unshaven face, bloodshot eyes and messy shaggy hair underneath his hat was all that I could see beside the raised hand to strike the woman.

The man's bloodshot eyes focused on me from beneath his shaggy dirty hair as if he just now realized that I interrupted them. The other man had the same dazed expression as his partner. Despite what they were about to do, I hoped that I wouldn't have to hurt them…unless I had to. I was only vaguely aware of the woman stol sobbing at my feet, this time not terrified cries but somewhat relieved that somebody had actually heard her pleas for help.

"Who 'r you?" the man who threatened the woman spoke. He didn't want for an answer. "What d'you wan'? This's non 'f you' bus'ness. Go b'for' you git 'n tr'ble," he slurred at me, taking him twice the time it would take somebody sober to form those words.

"I'm afraid it is my business if you're gonna hurt this woman," I said, though I knew diplomacy would get me nowhere with two people under the abuse of alcohol.

The other man frowned at me and spoke. Luckily, he was a lot easier to understand. "We weren' goin' teh hur' 'er. We jus' wan'ed 'er gol' watch," he said.

"Sorry that won't do. You'll either leave her alone willingly or I'll force you out of her way," I threatened, and by no means was I bluffing. I was willing to put up a fight for the sake of her safety and her posessions.

"The boy wan's teh figh' 's," his parter said and it sounded as if he was snickering, but I wasn't sure. "I'll sho' 'im!" he bellowed, his already loud voice rang in the silence, making it echo in the deserted street. Le lunged at me clumsily, his fist raised to strike, but I easily dodged him and delivered a powerful punch in the stomach that undoubtedly left him breathless. He staggered against the blow and crumpled at my feet, gasping and coughing for air.

The other one, seeing that I just attacked his friend took out a knife and plunged at me. As I dodged his unskilled attempts to hurt me, I couldn't help not to compare this to sparring with Saber, which always left me numb and sore afterward. The drunkard aimed to strike again and as I recognized a moment of weakness, I pushed his fist aside inches before it hit my stomach and gripped it tight before twisting it beyond its limits. The man howled in pain and dropped the knife automatically. I heard a _clank_ as the metal hit the pavement and right when I concentrated on that sound alone did I heard the woman's terrified sobs again.

I delivered a quick punch in the jaw that sent him to the ground. He, nor his friend, didn't moved at all after I was done with them. They were knocked out.

I took a quick glance at them before I looked at the woman, who apparently watched me the entire time. Her eyes looked purple and I had a quick flash of Sakura's face because of them. I shoved that thought away, knowing she didn't have any relation to my friend.

"Are you all right?" I asked her kindly yet quietly, not wanting to startle her even more. I extended a hand toward her, giving her my help to get up. She nodded rather shakily and took my hand. Her grip was fierce.

"Yes, thank you," her breathing sounded ragged. I looked her over in the artificial light and saw that she was all right. I let out a relieved sigh. I came just in time. "Thank you so much, young man," she said, and looked like she wanted to say more, but I interrupted in the slight pause.

"They're knocked out, and chances are they won't get up very soon," I said and instinctively looked down at my fist and noticed that it was smeared in blood. I looked back at the woman's purple eyes. "Do you have a cell phone, ma'am?" I asked her and she nodded. "Call the police."

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The rest of the night passed by in a blurr. I stayed with the woman until the police arrived. As two officers took the drunkards in the back of the car, one of them questioned us about what happened. The woman supplied the information until when I arrived, then I filled them in with the rest. The officer congratulated me on my bravery and quick thinking and I just nodded, uncomfortable at the praise because I didn't count it as bravery _or_ quick thinking. I counted it as what I was supposed to do. What I _had_ to do.

After the police left, I escorted the woman to her home despite her protests and bid her a good night before I went, waving off any other thanks or means to repay me by, but I did accept a cup of tea before I left. By the time I was walking back home, it was past midnight.

As I walked, my thoughts took a strange turn and I wondered on how peculiar the world works. That nothing ever happens by mistake or by coincidence. If Fuji-nee and Sakura hadn't wanted to go shopping today, Ilya would've been waiting for me after I was off work. If I hadn't been working, Fuji-nee might not have offered to keep Ilya overnight at all, at least not today. If Ilya hadn't been gone tonight, I might not have taken the detour in town, therefore never knowing there was a woman on a deserted street crying for help.

Was it a mere coincidence or was it a sign that I should continue pursuing my dream since I was a young boy? I guess the answer is up to me. Should I think that it was meant for me to come by that woman in danger or take it as a coincidence and that the incident was nothing more is up to me. It always has been. And it always will be.

_I won't let you down, Dad,_ I thought toward the heavens and knew that somewhere up there Kiritsugu Emiya heard me, loud and clear.

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**A/N: This scene wasn't orginally planned, it happened rather suddenly and unexpectedly but i welcomed it. It's part of Shirou's character, after all. And, as a side note, i don't knew Neko-san's husband's name, and i don't think they mentioned it in the series either. So i made it up. If anybody knows his name, tell me and i would be glad to change it.**

**Other than that, i hope you guys enjoyed the chapter, even if most of it was filler. More exciting parts are coming, i promise. :D**

**Read and review, please!**


	6. Someday

**Disclaimer: **_I still don't own any of the characters. But i'm working on it! I'm saving money to get at least my favorites from Type-Moon. And there's really no way i'll ever be able to own Someday, not even if i marry Chad Kroeger. -sad face-_

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**Recap: **While Sakura, Fuji-nee and Illya went off shopping, Shirou found himself for the first time in a long time by himself. After he went to Tohsaka's for research, since Fuji-nee volunteered to take Illya at her house over night, he didn't have to go home straight away. After he finished work, he went on a detour and found himself facing two drunk men harassing a woman. His inner desire for justice took over and saved the woman, thinking of Kiritsugu at the end of the day.

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**Chapter 6**

**- Someday –**

Sunday was gone as soon as it came. Sunday was always the only day when I could sleep in, because neither Fuji-nee nor Sakura came in the morning. I made my point loud and clear that at least Sunday mornings, Sakura should stay at home and catch up on her sleep. Even Fuji-nee – who was the biggest fan of Sakura's cooking – agreed with me. Therefore, Sundays I only got to see them at dinner, which I usually provided.

I thought Illya would stay until dinner to come along with Fuji-nee, but she came home around lunch by herself.

"You walked from Fuji-nee's to here all by yourself?" I asked her, not helping to feel slightly worried. She lived pretty far from my house.

She nodded, looking very proud. "Illya knows her way around town!"

"I thought you would wait until dinner to come back," I said and smiled down at her.

She shook her head vehemently, her snow-white locks dancing merrily around her face. "I missed you, Onii-chan!" she said and went ahead to hug me around my waist, since her head barely reached my chest.

I rubbed her upper back and patted her head. "I missed you too, Illya. The house is really empty without you here."

I felt her body shake slightly and I guessed she giggled, but she didn't say anything. We stayed like that for quite a while until she raised her pretty red eyes to meet mine and asked me in her sweetest voice, "What's for dinner, Onii-chan?"

"I don't know for sure..." I trailed off and had an idea, "but I have an idea."

"What are you going to make?" she asked me, still holding onto my waist.

I gave her a knowing smile. "It's a surprise," I said vaguely.

Ilya tilted her head to the side slightly in confusion. "Can Ilya know what the surprise is?"

"No," I said, mock scolding her for her nosiness, "what if the surprise is for Ilya?"

She jumped up slightly in surprise and her eyes widened. She let go of my waist and used her now-free hands to cover her ears. "Then Ilya shouldn't know what it is!" she said and literally ran in the other room.

I bit the inside of my cheek so that I wouldn't laugh out loud at her. I made her favorite dish for dinner with some other options for Sakura and Fuji-nee, since neither were a big fan of the Japanese influenced German cuisine Ilya liked.

Even though Sakura loved to cook, I could tell she enjoyed it when I did it too, though I wasn't sure if it was because she liked the food, or she liked the fact that she doesn't have to bother with this chore once a week, or both. Either way, I was happy as long as these three people around me were happy, particularly Sakura and Ilya. Fuji-nee was content with a nice, warm meal, especially that she couldn't provide one for herself.

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Three weeks have passed in the same routine that we've established. Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays I worked until late, so we couldn't have dinner together. More so, Wednesday morning – along with Friday morning – Sakura had archery club, so that was my cue to make breakfast for me and Ilya. Wednesdays were particularly long days, since I couldn't see Sakura or Fuji-nee and I hardly spent time with Ilya at all because I worked. The days I could do research on were Tuesdays, Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays before I went off to work.

One of the good parts about this was that because Fuji-nee understood the importance of this research project I was working so hard on, she offered to take Ilya home with her on Saturdays – she couldn't do it any other day because she was at school for a good part of the day every weekday. Ilya said she didn't mind, but I felt guilty for neglecting her.

Every time I would come back home and she would take me in her embrace I could feel that she really missed me and I was wondering if it was because she felt lonely without me. The third Sunday after this routine started, I prompted this subject. It was late, close to bedtime, but I felt I couldn't ignore this matter any further.

"Ilya, are you all right being some much time by yourself?"

"I miss you a lot when you're not home," she pouted, though it looked cute.

"Do you feel lonely when you're not home?" I frowned at her, wondering how I could switch my schedule around to be able to spend more time with her. I would have to give up some days researching…

Ilya surprised me by shaking her head, her snow-white locks dancing from side to side. "Ilya is used to staying home by myself. I don't mind that. I mind not seeing Onii-san," she said and I eased up a little.

I got on one knee to be on the same height with her and smiled. "Well then, how about we take a day off?"

"A day off?" she asked me, confused and titled her head to the side slightly as she always did when she felt that way.

"Yeah. How about this Saturday I don't go to Tohsaka's and I take the day off of work and we'll go do something fun. Maybe go to an amusement park?" I prompted and raised my eyebrows at her.

Ilya's face lit up and she smiled widely. "Can we do that, Onii-san?"

"Of course! We can even bring Sakura along, if you want," I said, feeling that she should be spending more time in a girl presence than she was.

She nodded vehemently and I felt a rush of affection toward her. She and Sakura have become very close since Fuji-nee and I adopted her. This made the feel of a family even more real to me. "And then, on Sunday, we'll have the whole day to ourselves until dinner," I said and she nodded, grinning.

"Then it's settled. Now, off to bed you go, it's close to your bedtime," I pushed her gently in the direction of the door.

"Okay. Good night, Onii-chan!" she skipped pleasantly toward out of the kitchen and toward her room. I smiled in her direction and thought how she filled my life after the Grail War ended and how very lucky I was that she accepted me as her brother.

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Tuesday morning I woke up with a start. The sun was beating down my window and onto my face in the habitual after-spring wake-up call. Just as I opened my eyes, my face broke into a grin and got up without any further ado, despite my going to bed late the other night. Today was new day for research.

The thought alone made me more energetic than I remember being in a long time. As I did my morning routine silently – not to wake up Ilya, because I got up earlier than I usually do – I thought about these three weeks of research that lead to nothing so far. That is, until Saturday. I recalled the conversation perfectly, letting it feed me with strength and hope for more today.

"_Shirou,"_ I looked up to meet Tohsaka's blue eyes. Unlike how they usually were, either expressionless or reserved, now they had a strange gleam of shock combined with excitement.

I was taken aback by that look, but recovered quickly. "_What is it?"_ I asked, wanting to know the reason behind that look. _Should I dare to hope?_ I remember thinking.

"_Do you know what Third Magic is, Shirou?"_ she asked me, and I shook my head. That's wasn't exactly what I expected. When I told her that, she turned the book she was reading toward me and pointed where I should start reading. I read the paragraph about Third Magic that she pointed at, stopped to stare at the period sign and read again, in case I didn't see it right. _Third Magic, also referred to as Heaven's Feel, is the miracle that allows the materialization of the soul._

"_Materialization of the soul…"_ my voice was nothing but a mere whisper. I couldn't believe what I was reading. If there was a way to materialize the soul, then—

"_Heaven's Feel is another name for the Holy Grail War,"_ Tohsaka said, interrupting my internal celebration. "_The War was started in the first place because the Einzbern family wanted to acquire the Third Magic after they long lost it."_ Her lips were curved into a small smile and I could've swore I saw a gleam of triumph there.

I frowned, not quite understanding. "_I knew the Grail had the power to keep Saber in this world at that time, when she was still here. How would this help me now? The Grail Wars are over."_

Tohsaka shook her head, her blue eyes ablaze as she tried to explain. "_The Holy Grail is not the only way Third Magic shows itself. We will have to look more into it."_

"_But Tohsaka,"_ I said, grinning despite myself, "_if we can materialize a soul that isn't in this world anymore, then we can summon it back here to begin with." _I waited for her to confirm my conclusion.

She allowed herself a shrug, but the smile was still in place. "_We might, there is actually a chance. But remember, Shirou,"_ her face be came serious again, _"Third Magic has been lost for more than a 1000 years. I'm not certain we will be able to find anything. I don't even know if the Tohsaka family goes back that far…"_ she trailed off, but I shook my head, not letting anything to dampen my high spirits.

"_No, but we'll keep looking," _I said, confidently and she smiled her secret smile at me.

As I got dressed and made my bed, that sentence kept playing in my head over and over. _Third Magic is the miracle that allows the materialization of the soul._ Materialization of the soul. I was positive that even if the knowledge has been lost long ago, with the Holy Grail War it surely resurfaced back. The Einzbern family found a way to make Third Magic into something tangible. Even Tohsaka said that the Grail isn't the only way Third Magic is used.

Third Magic was the thing that I thought about the most yesterday until late in the night, the thing that made me forget even about sleep. Third Magic was the first trace of hope I had since Tohsaka and I started researching and just that small hope made me keep going. I was unusually anxious to get to Tohsaka's after school to look more into it.

I sighed, and told myself I should take things slowly. Right now it was morning, and Ilya wasn't up yet and because I had more than enough time for it, I decided to fix breakfast myself for the four of us. I was just about finish when the doorbell rang, signaling Sakura's arrival.

"Good morning, Senpai," she made the polite gesture to bow as it was custom when one met somebody older than they. I told Sakura it wasn't necessary to do this, but I couldn't break her of her habit around me. She couldn't help that she was extremely polite.

"Good morning, Sakura," I said, smiling at my not-sister. My tone sounded cheerful to my ears and I briefly wondered when was the last time it did.

Sakura noted immediately the change. "Senpai seems to be in a very good mood today," she cocked her head to the side inquiringly. I shrugged, trying to be nonchalant.

I flashed Sakura a grin, but didn't comment on her inquiry. "I hope you're hungry, I fixed breakfast."

I was hoping she would be happy, but instead her expression changed to confused and a little panicked. "Am I late? Is that why Senpai had to fix it by himself?" she checked her wrist watch, but I knew she would see that she was exactly on time, like every other morning.

I took her wrist away from her gaze and held it gently in my hands. "I fixed breakfast because I wanted to. Aren't you happy that you get to take a break? I was hoping you would be."

Her cheeks flushed the tiniest bit and she looked at her wrist where I held her. Sensing that maybe she was uncomfortable with the closeness, I let her go. "N-no, Senpai, I appreciate your help. Thank you," she flashed me a smile.

Fuji-nee arrived not much later, but late enough for her not to enjoy my breakfast as she would have liked to. She praised me for making breakfast this morning and on how good it was, but they were cut short when she looked at her watch.

"Sorry, Shirou, I have to go, my class it taking a test today and I have to be there early to get everything ready," she said, running through the words like the wind. She quickly finished the rest that was on her plate with a speed that I always thought was inhuman, took her bag and almost literally flew out the door in her haste.

Sakura, Ilya and I were left in the dining room, looking the door in wonder. I personally imagined her leaving a trail of fire behind her and I had to bite the inside of my check not to start laughing.

I checked the clock on my wall and mentally noted we had 15 minutes to finish and get ready. Soon enough we ate the last remains of breakfast, took all the dirty dishes to the sink – Ilya always did them in the morning, since I had to go to school – and we were on our way.

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We were close to the Tohsaka mansion now, and because of my excitement that has been building up since Saturday, I could hardly stand to walk calmly up the steps toward the front entrance and not run all the way up to the library and start reading. But it wouldn't be very polite, nor would it be necessary: we were there.

As I walked up the stairs, I went over the terms that I wanted to look more into, making sure I didn't miss any of the ones that caught my attention in the past three weeks: Third Magic, Akasha and Throne of Heroes, the only things that had any reference to my goal.

I looked at Tohsaka from the corner of my eye and saw that she still had that strange gleam from Saturday, when she told me about Third Magic. I wondered why that was, since she grudgily accepted to help me, now it almost seemed like she was eager to find the truth. I was sure that before, she only helped me to prove me that I was wrong in my assumptions quicker and have the satisfaction of telling me "I told you so" once she did. Now it seems she genuinely wanted to help me.

When we arrived at the library, and more specifically at our study table, I was surprised to find that there were a few books opened and scattered around it already.

"Have you been researching in your own time?" I raised my eyebrow at her.

Tohsaka nodded. "I looked more into Third Magic after you left Saturday and Sunday."

"Sunday?" I asked incredulously, wanting to know what has gotten into her. "I thought you said you don't want to spend your entire weekend locked up in the library," I reminded her, wondering if she even remembered telling me that.

"That was before I found out about this," I waved a thin book in leather binding in my face. The book seemed in much better condition than the others we looked into and I wondered if it was newer or it was just cared for a lot better. "_Miracles of Magic_. I read more about Third Magic in here."

"What did you find?" I asked her, my voice sounding overly eager in my ears, but I didn't care.

"Quite a bit," Tohsaka said and my heart leaped, "but still not enough. Even so, now that I know what I should be looking for, it wasn't so hard to get more information on what we need." I listened intently, thinking that after three weeks it was about time to come on some leads. Tohsaka locked eyes with me as she explained. "To perform Third Magic, I would have to become a True Magus, and to become one, I would have to have special training, as well as a considerable amount of prana—"

"Prana?" I asked, using the unfamiliar term.

She frowned slightly at the interruption. "The power source to make miracles happen."

"But you said mana—"

This time it was my turn to be interrupted. "I said that because back then you were a novice – and still are – and I didn't want to waste time explaining you something you didn't need to know," she snapped. "Normal humans have mana, normal energy. You and I, because we have Magic Circuits, have prana. As I was saying, to become a True Magus one would have to train and gain a lot more prana in the process than a normal magus."

"And…" I prompted eagerly.

Tohsaka actually grinned. "I thought that I would have to go through all the training, but it appears that I won't have to. Somebody already did it for me." I started at her, uncomprehending. She started explaining again, and I could trace excitement in her voice. "Remember when I told you that a magus' most important goal in life is to eventually transfer his knowledge and Magic Circuits onto his heir?"

I nodded slowly, still not sure where she was going with this. "Well," she said, "as far as I know one member of the Tohsaka family, and one member alone ever went through that training and became a True Magus. But that was enough," she said, still grinning. I continued to stare, feeling utterly lost. She sighed, frustrated that I didn't get the reason of her excitement. "Shirou," she said urgently, "since one of my ancestors became a True Magus, once his heir was born he had the responsibility of transferring his knowledge of what he had learned and his Magic Circuits onto his heir. _And so on_."

I finally caught on to what she was saying and I shared her grin exuberantly. "Because your ancestor did that, you technically already are a True Magus!"

Tohsaka nodded vehemently, her eyes shining. "I actually wanted to become one, to go to London at the Clock Tower, where the Mage's Association is to undergo the training."

"Do you know what the training entails?" I asked and she shook her head.

"There are absolutely no records on how to become a True Magus," she frowned, her eyes looking far away. "I suspect it is a complicated and maybe even rather dangerous process and the Association doesn't want people doing it on their own. Not to mention that becoming a true Magus is a great honor, there are only five in known history – two of them are of unknown identity – and they want to carefully watch every move of the process."

I thought about what she said and frowned, not exactly understanding but wanting to. Just as I was, I realized I was still on my feet so I took a seat on one of the wooden chairs by the table and placed my head in my palm, frowning. Out of the corner of my eye I saw that Tohsaka did the same and sat on the chair opposite from me. She crossed her legs under the table and folded her arms over her chest, waiting for the questions that she knew would come. "What do you get out of becoming one, though? What's the big deal?" I asked.

"Well, of course a novice like you wouldn't understand," Tohsaka said in her most sarcastic tone and waved me off. She smiled, but it was mocking. "If I wouldn't be a True Magus, I wouldn't be able to perform Third Magic, for one thing. Besides that, if you remember what I told you on our first research day, to perform magic is to perform a miracle. A _real miracle_," she emphasized importantly. "Magecraft is the artificial reenactment of a miracle."

I thought about what she said for the longest time and finally realized how very lucky we were. If becoming a True Magus is as dangerous and complicated as Tohsaka said it is – and considering that there were only five in known history, she's probably right – then most likely it taken years or training to become one, otherwise more people would be crowding outside of the Mage's Association's door to become one.

"What else did you find?" I asked again, assuming that wasn't all of it.

Her blue eyes faced me once again. "Some side information that will be useful to us in the near future. For example, I found out there are four gates in Fuyuki City where the Grail descends. Because the Grail is a manifestation of Third Magic, I think it is safe to assume that they are magically powerful and if we find out a way to summon Saber back, we should do it at one of those four locations, as well as performing Third Magic once we do."

"What are the four locations?" I asked, leaning in on my seat, eager to find some new information.

"This mansion, Ryuudou temple, Kotomine Church and the fourth is the field where your house used to be but is now burnt. However, I don't suspect that diminished its magical qualities, which cannot be damaged by physical means."

"Once we find a way how, we could start here," I suggested and she nodded.

"That would we wise. The Mage's Association is very strict with that. They won't bother us at all, unless we endanger revealing our world to the outside public. The Mage's Association puts a lot of emphasis on secrecy," she said seriously.

This was a lot of information to take in. I sighed rather heavily and thought about everything we talked about, feeling utterly overwhelmed and slightly dazed, almost as when I summoned Saber unknowingly and I found out about the Holy Grail War.

As I was pondering, Tohsaka continued. "If there is any way to summon Saber back," she said, leaning in and I automatically stopped my mental ranting to listen, "we would have to perform Third Magic immediately after. A soul cannot stay on this world without a body for long. If we cannot supply her with a body due time, she will go back to Akasha and all our efforts would be for nothing," she said and I nodded vigorously.

Then, surprising even myself, I smiled widely at Tohsaka. As she was looking at me, she was taken aback by the sudden display of warmth and her brows furrowed in confusion. "Why are you smiling at me as if it's Christmas and I just gave you Saber wrapped up in a pretty box?" she asked me, her eyes wary.

"Because you've been a great help to me, and still are. I still don't know if this is going to work or not, but the fact that you're helping me means a lot to me," I told her honestly and this time I was the one slightly taken aback as she blushed and looked away, frowning.

"We still don't know almost anything, Shirou, despite everything that I told you tonight. I'm mainly finding bits and pieces of what we need from the puzzle. We're still missing the core. There is still a very big chance this will never work," Tohsaka said and slammed her palm against one of the open books for emphasis, watching me from under her lashes.

"I know," I said easily, still smiling, "but at least we're trying. And still, considering how you handled the whole situation and explained it to me, it almost sounded like you have more hope than you originally had," I pointed out and I had to hold back a grin as she looked away again looking affronted.

She gave me a very authentic scoff. "I was just giving you all the possibilities. I could've very well said all this is useless because chances are it will never work, but what good will that do? You won't listen to me anyway."

I laughed and had to hand it to her. She was right. "I won't listen until I have proof."

Tohsaka sighed heavily, but it was a more knowing sigh than resigned or annoyed. "Let's continue where we left off, shall we? We don't have that much time left," she said and when I looked at the clock it was twenty after four. I would have to go in about a half an hour.

"Right," I agreed and went to the columns in the library to select a book and start reading. Process has been slow, but with all the new information I felt we were getting somewhere, finally. I felt a surge of fresh excitement as I opened a new, foreign book. I quietly slipped back in my seat and started reading, hoping for the best.

While I did that, my thoughts constantly went to Saber and I kept thinking, _Wait for me. It won't be long now…_

_

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**A/N: Ok, things are starting to get a move on now that they're finally finding out more stuff about what they need. If you think it's going a little slow, to be honest, i don't blame you. I was so afraid of taking it too fast - like i would _like_ to - that i unconsciously slowed it down maybe a little too much. But not to worry, i'm ahead in my writing with two-three chapters, and there are some interesting stuff coming.**

**As for this chapter alone, i hope you guys will like it. I love finding out new stuff about Magic and Shirou does too. (as you can very well see)**

**Aside from that, here's something i didn't mention before (or, at least i don't remember mentioning) so i'm gonna do it now. I don't have a beta-reader, and while i'm doing over a chapter a few times before i post it here, because i'm exceptionally unobservant, i miss out on things. Feel free to point them out to me if you find any.**

**Last, but not least, thank you very much for your reviews and comments! It makes me really happy to read what you guys think about my story so far.**

**Read and review, please!**


	7. Never Too Late

**Disclaimer: **_I only own the plot. It's as simple as that._

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**Recap: **Feeling guilty for leaving her on her own a lot, Shirou promised Illya he'll take her and Sakura to the amusement park the upcoming Saturday. The following Tuesday, Shirou finds out some interesting things that Rin found out while doing her own research in Magic. Not only does she have the power to perform Magic, real miracles due to the knowledge from an ancestor of hers, but she only found four ideal places where they could summon Saber once they get the information on how to do it. All the while Shirou's eagerness to see Saber is as strong as ever now that he starts to have flickers of hope form his research.

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**Chapter 7**

**~ Never too Late ~**

I looked up from my book slightly, enough so that I could see Shirou's thoughtful expression as he poured himself into the book he was reading, but not too much so he won't think that I was staring at him. I studied him closely. The ghost of the grin from earlier was still on his lips ever so slightly, as the corners were lifted up while his dark brown eyes scanned over the line he was reading then switching down to the next. Despite the happiness that every cell of his body seemed to be emanating, he was still fully concentrating on the text in the book.

I always admired his determination, although usually it was annoying, over the edge and focused on the wrong things in my opinion. Nevertheless, he was taking advantage of the determination and unusual calmness he was blessed with. During these past weeks that we have been researching together, I have grown to wonder how he could go on like this.

I understood his reasons and his feelings, though not entirely and couldn't empathize because I have always been too preoccupied with my training in magic to even give any attention to the boys that were roaming around me, and every time one of them pursued me, I tried to cut it short. I wasn't merciless. I thought it was better to tell the person straight out front if I am not interested – the longer silence is kept, the worst it will be later. With Shinji it was different, because I hurt his ego much more than I hurt his actual feelings – if he had any.

As for losing somebody I loved, that would be my mother, Tohsaka Aoi, who I remember most vividly for her unearthly kindness and passive demeanor, both qualities which I do not posses. I am too much like Tokiomi myself: stubborn, proud and egotistical, and I somehow always regarded him more as a teacher than my father. No doubt because he always regarded me more as a student than a daughter. I remember staying at my grandparents' house with my mother while Tokiomi was in Fuyuki to fight in the Holy Grail. I remember her trying her best to assure me, a small child, of Tokiomi's safety, but then…all her reassurances were for nothing. After I lost my father, my mother went into a state of shock. She was not herself most of the time, mumbling under her breath supposedly either talking to Tokiomi or Sakura, both who were gone by that time.

She died not very long after that incident.

I shook my head vigorously, not understanding the sudden sharp turn my thoughts took on memory lane. It wasn't often I thought about my dead parents, mainly because since they were dead, I couldn't change anything. There was nothing _to_ change. But there was something I could, and I thought of frequently. Sakura. My long-time separated sister.

Sakura was the only person alive who I could give my life for right this moment to save if it was necessary. Sakura was the only thing I had left of a family, and more so, I couldn't help not to feel responsible for her separation, although I was too young to know, not to mention it was Tokiomi's decision. Even so, I vowed I will repair our relationship, somehow, someday, although she has never been the same after she was taken into Zouken's "care." Boiling hot anger surged through me as it did every time I remembered the vampire's repulsive face. Although he too is dead now, I will never ever forgive him for soiling Sakura. Young as I may have been, although I didn't know what he did until later, I could still see what he did. She was never the same, nor did she ever look remotely like my sister since.

I only have one more image of her left since before she was sent to the Matou household, and I clung to it all this time, trying to picture her now with black hair and blue eyes instead of the purple colors that came along with the tainted Matou blood.

"Did I do something wrong?" Shirou's voice sounded hazy, distant-like and I tried to come back to our study table and leave my thoughts somewhere in the back of my head where I could return to them later. I focused on Shirou's face and his brows were furrowed worriedly.

"What?" I asked distractedly, and I cursed myself for letting me doze off while he was still here.

"You were glaring at me like I just ripped one of your books to pieces," he said and laughed, but it sounded shaky and forced.

I shook my head and made it seem like nothing. "No, I was just thinking."

"About what?" he asked me almost immediately, and I felt a pang of fear mixed with guilt. Shirou didn't know. He didn't know any of this. I never told him or anybody, because this situation never arose before. I cursed myself again for losing focus so easily.

He regarded me calmly, waiting. I hesitated. _Should I tell him?_ I asked myself, not knowing exactly what to do. I looked away automatically, his intense gaze too much at this time. It would be easy for me to just smile and give him a trivial answer, one that will satisfy his curiosity, but wouldn't be interesting enough for him to ask further and continue studying. I was just about to do just that, I even put on the fake smile before I stopped. I felt my brows furrow in confusion because I somehow wanted to tell him. Never before I have told anybody this and now that I had a close friend I could share something as important as this with, I almost felt the need like I wanted to get it off my chest, as if telling him would somehow ease the ailment in my heart.

And he cared for Sakura too. He said it himself he regarded her as a sister. Maybe…

"No, it's nothing, Shirou," I told him firmly, but he still looked concerned. He continued to stare at me with that expression for a while, as if waiting for me to change my mind on what I said. I ignored his intense gaze as I tried to continue reading and forget about the recent thoughts that plagued my mind. Even so, they kept intruding in between the lines I was reading. I clenched my fist that was on the table while my other hand struggled to remain in control and keep the page lightly between my thumb and index finger as opposed to crumpling it.

_Promise me!_ The voice rang in my head and I looked away from my book, scowling. I couldn't understand what exactly gave my thoughts of the past such power today when they were usually stored in their own separate self, apart from everything else, in my mind. I continued to stare at nothing in particular until succeeded in shutting out that voice. _Later_, I told myself, as I always did. I told myself that for 12 years now.

When I looked back on my book, my gaze swept over Shirou, who was, once again, looking at me, his brows furrowed in concern.

"Tohsaka," he said quietly, "what's wrong?" I sighed. I supposed that it was still pretty obvious, my struggle. I cursed myself for it. Usually I was in complete control, especially when I had people around. Was it because I revisited the shelf today that they suddenly started piling up in front of my eyes, demanding for me to take action?

I didn't know how to answer his question. I wasn't sure if I should tell him. Telling him would in no way atone for my sins, then why should I spill my soul out to him? What good would it do?

"You can trust me, Tohsaka," he said and I knew that he was right. I could trust him, but the question was, would he trust me?

I sighed and faced his dark brown eyes that were just as patient as before. "It's Sakura, Shirou," I said finally, making my voice sound strong, trying not to betray the heartbreak that I felt inside. I was glad to hear it turned out how I wanted it to.

Shirou's expression immediately changed to fear and I felt another deep pang of shame when I saw it. He cared for Sakura so much. What would he think of _me_ when he'll hear what I've done? Or, better yet, what I haven't done. Because I haven't done anything, and that was my biggest mistake of all.

"What's wrong? Did something happen to her?" he asked quickly and I felt my eyes turn away from his worried gaze despite myself. Looking away when asked a direct question was a sign that I had something to hide or was about to lie to his face. I, however, looked away because the question was too straight-forward, because it made me feel ashamed. Something _did_ happen to Sakura, but not in the sense that he was thinking. I didn't quite know how to answer his question, so I took a safe route and disregarded it completely.

Instead, I asked a question of my own. "Do you know why Caster kidnapped Sakura that time, Shirou?" I asked, not knowing exactly how to start.

Shirou looked confused at my sudden change of subject. "Because she had magical blood?" he asked, and though I couldn't see him I knew he was looking at me for a confirmation. When I remained unmoving and silent, he continued, "Because the Matou family is a family of magi?" Again, he waited for a confirmation.

I shook my head, but he took it the wrong way.

"I thought you said the Matous—"

"The Matous _are_ a family of magi. But she is in no way related to them," I said and Shirou looked downright lost at my vague statement. I sighed heavily. "She did have magical blood. But it wasn't Matou," I paused, but as I briefly closed my eyes. When I finished my sentence, I looked him straight in the eye. "It was Tohsaka blood."

Shirou stared at me, his face completely expressionless, but his eyes registered the shock I was expecting. "So," he said, uncertainly, "So, Sakura is—"

"My sister, yes," I finished for him, wanting to get it out in the open as soon as I could.

"But—but—how—she looks nothing like you!" he cried as if I was making no sense at all. And to him I probably wasn't.

I sighed sadly and got up from my chair, motioning him to follow. "Come with me," I told him and he obeyed. I took Shirou up another flight of stairs, around the big wooden railing, past Tokiomi's study, past my parents' bedroom which I let exactly the way it used to be 11 years ago before the 4th Holy Grail War even started. I walked past the hallway full of guest rooms that have almost never been used and stopped in front of one that was to the side of a completely separate staircase. If Shirou was curious about the unknown stairwell, he didn't voice it. Instead, he followed me beyond the fancily carved wooden door and into my bedroom.

He was the first outsider to ever step into my sanctuary; oddly enough, I didn't feel uneasy with his presence in there.

I surveyed the room with my eyes and waited for Shirou to get accustomed with the environment. I looked at the heavy armoire, the big, king sized bed draped in a fancy, blood-red comforter and pillows with many tassels that covered almost half of it seemed to conquer the room, the two nightstands on each side and the heavy dresser with the round mirror and a small chair in front of it. All the furniture in the room was made out of cherry wood, carved in the same spiral-like design as the rest of the furniture in the house. Silk curtains were draped over the many windows that dominated the entire wall opposite from us. There was also a crystal chandelier in the middle of the ceiling, the tiny crystals glistening softly in the now-setting sun.

Everything in the room was placed very neatly, almost as if nobody even lived in this room.

I left my favorite part for last though, as I looked at the small, twin bed that seemed to be just a third of mine in comparison. It still had the same, pretty baby blue comforter with blooming cherry blossoms that Sakura loved since she was little. A small, pink heart-shaped pillow was placed in the very middle of the bed and behind it, resting against the pillows, was a large teddy-bear.

I kept Sakura's things the way they were, despite my father's protests. The day that she was taken away is still a blur in my mind, but I can assume that because she left her prized possessions here, the moving process was rushed and careless. My first impulse was to send them to the Matou residence what she left behind, but I was afraid she would take that action as "goodbye for good." Therefore I decided to keep her twin bed in my room with her favorite comforter, her favorite pillow and her teddy bear exactly the way they used to be, thinking that by doing so I was giving hope to myself that someday she will come back to her real home.

Sakura, however, never came back, not even once, not even to visit, and I didn't either, nor did I try to persuade her to come back after Tokiomi died. I let those 12 years pass by and distance us further until from sisters we have become mere acquaintances.

Thinking that Shirou had more than enough time to look around, I walked around my bed and toward the nightstand where lays my most prized possession. I looked at it only briefly and handed it to Shirou. I knew it by heart. I knew every single wrinkle of laughter from her face, every single strand of hair how it was in the picture and every little detail in the background.

I looked at Shirou and watched how his eyes widened as they moved from one little girl to the other.

In the picture, I was five and Sakura was close to four years old, both of us laughing merrily at something I don't remember while hugging the teddy bear from both sides. The same teddy bear that was on her bed now. Despite the fact that we had the same features, such as the dark hair the blue eyes, we didn't necessarily look alike. While I got Tokiomi's facial features, the hard jaw and the sharp eyes, Sakura inherited our mother's soft beauty.

Shirou seemed to be looking at it for the longest time and I tried my best to wait patiently for him to say something. Finally, after the longest time, he spoke.

"That's…Sakura?" he sounded chocked. Seeing her like this must come as a real shock to him. Although people change considerably in time, the difference here was too big. Only her facial features were the same. Her hair used to be dark, not purple, and her eyes used to be blue. Also, before she was taken away, Sakura used to have a wonderful glow in her eyes that portrayed her innocence as well as her adventurous and inquiring spirit. Now that glow was gone. Every time I looked into her plum eyes I saw absolutely nothing, as if life has been sucked out of her.

I nodded at Shirou's question. I saw the muscles of his arm tense as he tightened his grip on the picture frame. "How did this happen?" he asked, his tone sounding relatively calm. If I didn't know him I couldn't have heard the boiling hot anger that was ready to spill. He was keeping it all reined in though.

I sighed and sat on my bed, head bent slightly so that my bangs would cover my eyes on the weight of my confession. "Magi familiar usually pick only one heir for the knowledge in magic and the Circuits, only one person to train further. It is a common procedure in magi families that if there are more than one child born, the ones beside the chosen heir – the first born child, the oldest – are to be given away, in hope that it will not rise competition between siblings," I looked at Shirou briefly and when I met his repulsed glare, I looked down again. "Tokiomi gave Sakura away to the Matou family a year before the 4th Holy Grail War started. It was an agreement between the two families.

"The head of the Matou family, Matou Zouken was his name, knew the new Grail War will start soon, but the Matou family didn't have any other heir to participate in it because the only capable magus, a friend of my mother's named Kariya Matou, ran away about 10 years prior. Zouken wanted to use Sakura so that she would be able to participate in the war."

"Wait, hold on a second," Shirou stopped me, his palms raised and facing toward me in a sign for me to stop. "You said that magi families only have one hair? Only one person that inherits the Magic Crest?" he asked me, raising his eyebrows.

"I'm getting there, Shirou," I said, my voice sounding tired to my ears. "Because Sakura didn't have the Magic Crest, Zouken had to implant them into her body." His hands, resting peacefully at my sides were now balled into fists, using the soft fabric of my comforter as a cushion against my nails. "The Matou family has a very…_unique_ way of doing that. Zouken implanted what is called a Crest of Worms into her—"

"Worms?" he said, revulsion thick in his voice.

I nodded, still looking down. "They act as artificial Matou fMagic Crest, but they also eat prana once activated and shorten the host's lifespan once it happens. It is also incredibly painful, to tame and to manage."

"Then how come…" he trailed off, as if afraid to utter the words, but I knew where he was going.

"Sakura never activated them. She didn't need to," I answered.

"What about the Grail? Wasn't that Zouken's plan all along?" Shirou asked and I heard confusion in his voice. So he wanted to know the whole truth.

"Kariya Matou saved Sakura, although his plan was different from what actually happened," I looked up, knowing I would meet the eyes of the still confused Shirou. I continued. "Kariya loved Sakura and was incredibly angry when Tokiomi gave her away, especially to the family that disgusted him so much that it made him run away. He went back just for her and gave his own freedom to Zouken and his Worms in exchange for Sakura's freedom if Kariya wins the Grail," I answered almost mechanically the words I remember him telling me so long ago.

It was a secret visit, out in a secluded area of my grandmother's house's yard while I was playing. I remember that he looked dreadful that day, unrecognizable. His hair that was initially a brilliant blue had gone grey; his eyes that I remember being plum were now black. At least his good eye was. The right side of his face was mangled in a frozen grimace and one of his eyes had gone white. He didn't walk very well either. It was the first time I've seen him after that day in the park where he found out Tokiomi gave Sakura away.

He told me he wasn't supposed to be there. The Grail War started for a while when he did, and it seemed to be drawing to an end. I remember asking immediately if father was all right, and although I didn't understand it at first, there was a pure and frightening trace of hate that flashed in his good eye that I recognized even at that early age. He masked it right after and put on a smile that to me, now, it looked fake and said he was fine. Then he told me the reason he came. He told me everything I told Shirou earlier, including the pact that he made with Zouken.

"_Your father's Servant is very strong, Rin. There aren't very many chances that I can defeat him, and if I don't defeat him I can't bring Sakura back," _I remember him saying in his ragged voice. "_Promise me you'll go back after her if I fail_," he urged me. "_Promise me, Rin!"_

"_I promise, Uncle Kariya,_" I said through my tears. Then the left side of his face, the good one, split into a grateful and genuinely happy smile. That was the last image I have of him because I never saw him ever again. My heart skipped a beat and my stomach clenched painfully.

I broke my promise. Or, better yet, I never fulfilled it.

"And I know that the remaining two servants were Saber and Gilgamesh, although I don't know who his Master was. It wasn't Kariya was it?" Shirou's voice cut through my reverie.

"No," I answered quickly so that he wouldn't notice I haven't even been present the past few minutes. "My father was Gilgamesh's Master. I don't know at what point in the war Kariya's Servant was eliminated," I said.

Shirou remained silent, pondering over what I just told him. I yearned to ask him what he was thinking, but I knew it was too son for him to blame me yet. My fault came later in the story. I heard him inhale a little loudly, still frowning over something he didn't understand.

He must've realized he was still standing, because he sat on the bed beside me, his eyes revealing deep sadness.

Silence filled the air between us, and for once in a longer time than I can remember, I was uncomfortable with it and longed to break it, but didn't. I was the one talking most of the time; I wanted to give Shirou some time to speak up too. Finally, after what felt like few hours instead of just a few minutes, he finally broke the silence. "Did you go after her?" he asked the inevitable question.

I closed my eyes briefly and fought back the tears that were surprisingly close to spilling. Tears? I searched my memories. The last time I recalled crying was…when Uncle Kariya came and told me what Zouken had done to her. I almost thought I lost the ability to cry. I supposed I should be grateful, but instead I felt empty, numb.

I opened my eyes and faced my judge. "No."

Shirou revealed only a small flicker of anger, but otherwise remained expressionless. "Why not?"

I tried not to look away and be honest although I hardly knew the answer myself. "I guess I was afraid to face her. I was afraid that she would make the blame on me official."

Shirou frowned at my words. "What do you mean?"

"What I mean," I said slowly, "is that I always blamed myself for what happened. But that fact is easier to accept than knowing she blames me as well."

His frown deepened, but this time not because of confusion but determination. "Tohsaka. I don't see how you have any fault in your dad's decision. It was pure luck – or bad luck, however you want to look at it – that you happened to be born first," he said firmly. "Surely Sakura knows that."

"I still didn't go back after her," I said and tried, with my last drop of will to keep the tears at bay.

"That's nothing you can't repair," he said in a futile attempt to comfort me. More so, after he said that, all I wanted was to hit him in the head.

"Really?" I asked with as much sarcasm as I could muster. Sarcasm was good. It gave me the control that I previously felt slipping. "You honestly think that after 12 years of doing absolutely nothing, letting that monster torment her and letting those worms eat her alive, if I went right now at her doorstep and apologized and asked her to come back, she would?" my voice gained strength with each word I uttered. I stared at Shirou hard, feeling my face heat up in anger. I didn't give him time to reply. "Would _you_ do it, Shirou?" I challenged. "Would you forgive me for turning a blind eye if you were Sakura?"

He was silent, thinking my words through as I waited the inevitable negative answer to come.

"I would, eventually," he said and I suppressed a groan. Instead, I rolled my eyes.

"You can't know that for sure since you've never been through an even similar situation such as this," I told him, not bothering to hide my irritation.

"No, but I know Sakura," he replied and sounded confident. I almost regretted telling him, knowing he couldn't possibly understand that it wasn't that easy if I wouldn't be secretly feeding off of his encouraging words.

"It's too late, Shirou. I waited too long."

"It's never too late to fix a wrong you've done."

I exploded, more out of bitterness than anger at him. "That's fool's talk, Shirou. It's been 12 years," I repeated.

"Exactly why shouldn't waste anymore time," he urged. I wanted to believe. I really did, but I didn't see how I could possibly repair my relationship with Sakura. I remained silent and looked away.

Shirou had his eyes on me for the longest time, enough that I started feeling uncomfortable. Then, quite suddenly, he rose from the bed. "I should be going." His voice sounded strained, odd, but he was right. He shouldn't keep Sakura waiting. I nodded.

Just as he was about to leave the room, I said called out his name. He stopped in his tracks and looked at me. I was glad to see that his eyes were completely free of any blame he would have put on me. "I'm sorry." He nodded and gave me a weak smile.

"I know. We'll fix this." And with that, he left, leaving me to wonder what he meant when he said "we." There was nothing for him to fix.

_This is all _my_ fault_, I thought and in that moment of weakness, a small tear erupted from my lid, slid off my cheek and soaked in my skirt.

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**A/N: There. A nice, long chapter only in Rin's POV. One of the best chapters i have so far, i think. I'm really happy with this one. I hope you guys will like it too.**

**Thanks again for the faves and alerts and reviews (including PMs). **

**Read and review, please! Your comments help me a lot!**


	8. Ouverture

**Disclaimer: **_I only own the plot. That's it. No exceptions. The song belongs to Within Temptation._

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**Recap:** The previous chapter was mainly focused on Rin and her story about Sakura.

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**A/N:** I wanted to explain really briefly why i named the chapter Ouverture. I split it up in three parts, and all three introduce some sort of conflict, though not nearly as big as the previous chapter. I thought "Ouverture" was fitting because it is formally defined to be "in music is the instrumental introduction to a dramatic, choral or, occasionally, instrumental composition."

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Chapter 8

**- Ouverture -**

I left Tohsaka's house feeling oddly sick to my stomach after I heard her story. I was so incredibly disgusted with human greed, I didn't think I could take it anymore, but then I'd remember Sakura and the nightmare she lived through for 12 years now. My stomach gave a painful lurch and resisted the urge to gag. How could she subject herself to such monstrosities? Why did she take it for so long? I knew Sakura's been always rather easily influenced, but this went above and beyond anything I have ever heard of before. Had she completely given up on life and stayed there, waiting for her end?

No. That can't be possible. When I see Sakura she always has a warm smile on her face, and her kindness toward others is virtually unlimited. Is there something I'm missing? Is that constantly smiling face a mere charade, a mask she puts on whenever she's at my house, around me, Fuji-nee and Illya? If that was so… I realized painfully. If that was so, I didn't actually know Sakura at all. I didn't know what laid underneath that mask, what she was truly feeling inside. The person I've known for so long as considered as close as any sister, I didn't know anything about.f

I frowned at the ridiculousness at that possibility, feeling like I was arguing with myself. That can't be right. I watched her so many times, I can tell when she's upset or put down or something is wrong. When she is with the three of us, I believe she is genuinely happy, I can see it in her eyes. If she wouldn't be, why would she bother to come over so often and offer to help me with chores and prepare meals for us?

I know that when I see her smile it isn't fake, or when she laughs, though she rarely laughs out loud, it isn't forced.

I sighed and decided to watch her more closely. Maybe I could find a way to help Tohsaka to reestablish her former relationship with Sakura. Keeping that thought in mind, I hurried back home, hoping she didn't get there before I did.

Fate was on my side today and I came just in time. I met Sakura just as I entered the grounds of my inherited domain from Kiritsugu.

"Sakura!" I called to her.

She seemed startled at first, but when she turned around and saw that it was only me, she smiled her familiar shy smile and blushed ever so slightly, but visible enough I could see it even in the fading light of dusk. "Senpai! You made it in time," she said, and sounded as if she was praising me.

I grinned sheepishly. "I tried." In the past few weeks I wasn't always as lucky as I was today. Many times I would lose track of time and usually Tohsaka would remind me it's time to go; sometimes even she would get lost in her thoughts and her reading and I would realize too late.

"Maybe Senpai can help me with dinner tonight?" she asked me, her plum eyes watching me as we got closer to my house.

"Of course!" I said, eager that she wanted me to help and I could give her a hand.

"Ayame-senpai called archery club at the last minute today after school," she said as if there was any need to explain herself. I, on the other hand, frowned at the information.

"Ayame?" I asked, looking sideways at her while I unlocked the door to let her in. "She's in the archery club?"

"Ayame-senpai is the new captain," she said, walked inside and went straight toward the kitchen. "She was in the archery club for a year now. Akito-senpai left the club few weeks ago and the club members voted on a new captain and Ayame-senpai won. Many people thought she was much more talented than Akito-senpai anyway," Sakura filled me in while she cutting up the vegetables needed.

While I listened to her I started on the rice, which we always made both white and fried.

"Why did Akito left the club?" I asked her, but more out of mere curiosity. I wasn't into archery club for quite a while now, but knowing how much Sakura enjoyed it, I kept the conversation on the topic going.

"No one knows," Sakura answered, then her tone returned to a cheerful note, "but I think that Ayame-senpai's talent could actually equal Mitsuzuri-senpai's!" she sounded excited and I smiled at the news.

Ever since Mitsuzuri was attacked and disappeared for a few weeks prolonged even after the Holy Grail ended, the club has been gathering search groups for her, the usual activity put on hold. Along with the people in the club, the authorities as well as many other people from the community were searching for her, including myself. After an entire month of search, she was finally found in an abandoned depository on the outskirts of Fuyuki, alive, but frightened half to death. Nobody knows who did what to her, but she was transported to the nearest hospital immediately. Although there were very few injuries found – the most serious one was a broken leg – it became obvious very quickly that there was a lot more damage inflicted on her psychologically. Even after her leg was completely healed, she still couldn't attend school because she was undergoing serious therapy. After about eight months she was allowed to come back to school, but I hardly saw her at all. She was studying hard to catch up with everybody in her grade and she didn't come back to archery club due to her work overload.

Mitsuzuri was one of the best archers in the club, aside from Sakura, and I assume her loss was a big hit for the club. Nevertheless, they tried appointing other captains, but that didn't seem to work. After just three months, Akito already quit the job. I just hoped that Ayame would be a better pick.

"That's great!" I said with as much enthusiasm as I could. Thinking of Mitsuzuri always dampened my mood, and after the past conversation I had with Tohsaka, it took a serious effort to keep my cheerful and excited charade for Sakura so she wouldn't get worried again.

Sakura nodded, her plum locks dancing merrily as she slid all the vegetables off the chopping block and into the boiling water. "And there's more to the news," she said, and I listened intently. "Ayame-senpai appointed me as co-captain!" she smiled at me one of the most radiant smiles I ever saw on her face. Just looking at that smile made me temporarily forget about Mitsuzuri and Tohsaka.

"It's about time too," I meet her curious eyes. "You're very talented, I saw you," I said and I genuinely meant it.

Sakura blushed a deep shade of crimson at my praise and looked at her hands that were now soiled red because of the tomatoes she was cutting to tiny pieces. "T-Thank you, Senpai," she stammered, but I just smiled and returned to my share of cooking.

"Sakura," I wanted to ask her one more thing. My stomach knotted painfully at the thought.

"Yes, Senpai?"

I opened my mouth to speak it, but I changed my mind at the last minute. "Are you busy this Saturday?" I said while I was putting away the rice to cool down. Because I was looking away, I didn't see the small blush that formed on her cheeks.

"N-no," she stammered slightly although she seemed to put an effort not to. "Why?"

I cursed my lack of action, but I decided it was better to pursue this subject when we weren't in danger of something interrupting us at any moment. "I was thinking that maybe you could come with me and Ilya to the amusement park, have some fun," I smiled and looked at her. For just a mere split second, I saw a quick flash of disappointment, but then it quickly faded as soon as it came and she put on a smile instead. I thought about it, and wondered why she would be disappointed. I was reluctant to shove away the thought. I wanted to think I was imagining things, but then I would be lying to myself.

"I would love to!" she said and sounded like she meant it. Her voice cut through my reverie, and my mind automatically put my previous thoughts to the side.

"Great, we'll meet you at the train station in down town at 10? It's the only train that goes so far," I said rather apologetically, knowing the amusement park was pretty far from Fuyuki.

Sakura nodded, looking excited at the prospect. I briefly wondered if she ever went to the amusement park with the childhood she's had so far, but I quickly shook it off. I didn't want to think about that now. "Thank you for inviting me, Senpai."

I smiled and went to see if there was anything that I needed to do. When I found nothing on my side, I went to Sakura's side of the kitchen and looked over to see if she needed any help, but she seemed to be in control. I was disappointed that I only got to do the rice, the easiest job at dinner. Because I didn't have anything else to do, I started setting the table, and just as I did so, somebody came through the door.

"Ilya, you're late," I scolded her, more because she would do the same if it was me. It was childish, but I loved teasing her.

She sniffed defiantly as her nose shot up in the air. "You're late all the time, Onii-san. You have no right to tell me off. Plus, I was taking an evening walk."

"Ah," I grinned at her, "ok then. Now help me set the table," I told her and she obliged. When the table was almost set, I was surprised to hear Sakura's voice calling me.

"Senpai," she said and her voice recovered its normal, quiet tone.

"Yes, Sakura," I immediately rushed to her side, thinking that maybe she needed me. "Do you need any help?"

She smiled kindly at me as if she knew I would ask her that. "No, I'm fine. I was actually going to ask you if you ever considered rejoining archery club."

I raised my eyebrow at her. "Following Mitsuzuri's legacy still, I see," I said and she nodded. "Sorry, Sakura. I don't think I have enough time on my hands to train enough to get to be even close to the general level of performance in the club."

She looked a little sad, but our conversation was cut short by a loud knock at the loud followed by an equally loud voice. "I'm here!" Fuji-nee said as she entered the room as if her presence was of utmost importance for the meal. "What's for dinner?" she asked eagerly and I shook my head at her.

"Have patience, it's almost ready," I smiled indulgently at her.

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The next morning, I had breakfast with only Ilya. Since the time I woke her up from her deep sleep up until I parted ways with her before I went off to school, she was all one big smile, excited for our upcoming weekend. I told her that Sakura agreed to come with us, and that seemed to brighten her mood even more.

"We'll have so much fun! Ilya and Onii-chan and Onee-chan will go in all the rides!" she spread out her arms wide and formed a circle in the air to emphasize the word 'all.' When I had to leave her side, she said "Bye, Onii-san!" and waved at me before she went off her separate way. She had one of the brightest smiles I have ever seen on her face. The only one I could associate it with was when she found out that Fuji-nee and I officially adopted her.

I walked in silence up until I got to the familiar meeting point with Tohsaka. For the first time, I was surprised to see that she wasn't there. I couldn't even remember the last time that happened. Either I was earlier than usual or Tohsaka, the always-punctual Tohsaka, was late. Just as a gleeful grin was beginning to form on my lips, I saw her coming from the left, her walk brisk and steady, though it was obvious she was slightly in a hurry. She was looking straight ahead, but her icy blue eyes didn't seem to actually see straight ahead. They looked far-away, dazed, as if she was lost in thought. I wondered if she was thinking of our conversation from the day before by any chance.

Finally, as she got closer to the stop light, her eyes seem to actually see me for the first time. A brief flash of annoyance crossed her features and her brows were slightly furrowed.

"Morning, Shirou," she said, her tone sounding rather crisp.

"Good morning," I greeted her easily, but I was confused by her attitude so early in the morning.

"I see you finally made it here on time," she noted, looking straight ahead as we walked.

"I see you didn't," I couldn't help not to say.

"I thought that you were walking with Sakura today. I forgot that she had archery club today so I hurried, but I didn't make it on time," she sounded apologetic, but still slightly annoyed.

I frowned at her. "You could walk with us," I stated what I hoped was the obvious. Apparently, Tohsaka didn't agree because she shook her head.

"I don't want to intrude," she said vaguely and my frown deepened as well as my smile disappeared.

"You have to start _somewhere_, Tohsaka. I think walking with us to school is a good way to go."

She laughed slightly, but it was neither warm nor sarcastic. It seemed rather…awkward for some reason. "No, you don't understand."

"Well, I'm obviously not really getting where you're trying to get across here. I see no problem with the three of us walking together."

"Of course you wouldn't," she agreed and I was completely lost. Why did she always have to be so vague and either belittling or patronizing?

"Care to enlighten me?" I asked her, starting to feel annoyed myself.

"If I enlighten you, then there will be absolutely no hope for me and Sakura," she said firmly. "You'll have to either figure this one out on your own or be forever oblivious."

"What in the world are you talking about?" I tried not to raise my voice, but it was pretty hard. We were close to school now, and I got some reproaching glances from my colleagues. I ignored all of them and focused on Tohsaka.

"Look, Shirou, there's something you need to understand before you badger me any more about spending time with Sakura," she said and I listened intently, hoping she wouldn't give me another vague explanation. "I can't really spend time with Sakura on my own, at least at the beginning, because it will be awkward. We haven't had a normal conversation in a long time. But," she put an extra emphasis on the word, "if I have you around, then I would be intruding on Sakura's relationship with you." I stared at her, uncomprehending. Her explanation, despite my brief flash of hope, didn't help at all. "I will try to find some other opportunities with Sakura."

I shook my head. I was actually thinking that maybe I could invite Tohsaka along this Saturday, hoping she would get some bonding time with Sakura while I entertained Ilya, but since she didn't even walk with us, I doubted she would jump over a leap that high. And what in the world did she mean by "relationship?" I already told her that we were like siblings, but what did that got to do with anything?

"I'll see you at lunch, Shirou," she called to me as she went the other way. I didn't even realize until then that we were already at school. I sighed, threw one last look at Tohsaka's back and went to my class.

_I'll talk to her at lunch_, I thought.

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Lunch soon arrived, and I was walking at a brisk pace, determined to get some answers out of Tohsaka. Just as I was about to sit in my usual chair across from her and re-open the conversation from this morning, I was suddenly and unfortunately interrupted by a familiar voice of an old friend of mine who was rushing to my side.

"Emiya!" Despite my original irritation at the interruption, I smiled to myself when I saw Issei's distraught face as he rushed toward me. His shaggy blue hair was ruffled – no doubt a result from the frustration it caused him to try to fix whatever he wanted me to fix by himself – and his blue eyes were apologetic behind his round spectacles. Out of the corner of my eye I saw that Tohsaka diplomatically started eating her food, not giving Issei her least bit of attention as she did so.

Before he got the chance to say what was on his mind, I beat him to it. "Issei, the Student Body should take better care of their stuff," I grinned at my old friend.

He shook his head and closed his eyes briefly, keeping them focused on me. He was always purposely trying to ignore Tohsaka, but this time I was surprised to see that his eyes averted to her a few times. "This time it wasn't the Student Body's fault! The computer in the library just…froze!" he widened his eyes at the preposterous idea.

"Issei, you know I'm not good at software, I can only fix—"

"No time to waste, Emiya, there's only 15 minutes left of our lunch period and I wouldn't be a very good friend if you would be late for your next class," he said and with an unusual pushiness, took me by the arm and almost dragged me out toward the library. Leaving my barely touched food on the table, I threw an apologetic look at Tohsaka which she returned with a shake of the head as I followed Issei.

I didn't know what the reason behind all this was; Issei knew that I can only fix mechanical stuff. If he expected me to fix a computer, I will be forced to disappoint him. I looked sideways at him and realized it's been quite a while since I talked with him. I wish he wouldn't be so adamant about his opinion of Tohsaka, because I was pretty sure if he would at least try to get to know her, they would get along. But Issei is very stubborn and very determined not to follow the footsteps of 99% of the male population of Homurabara.

He led me to the library and toward the computer he was talking about, which was turned off. I turned to Issei. "You know that I can't fix it unless it's a mechanical problem, right?" I reminded him just in case he forgot, since it's been quite a while since he asked me to fix anything.

He nodded. "I just wanted you to check to see if anything's wrong with it on the inside. If it's a software problem, I'll just get the guy who's the expert here around that."

I gave him a look. "You don't know who it is, do you?"

"No clue, but I'm not going to worry about that now," he said and looked at me expectantly.

"Can you—" I started telling him in what was my usual escape route to use Reinforcement to see what was wrong.

Issei, however, beat me to it this time. "I already got your toolbox," he said and sounded proud. He pulled it from an adjacent desk and handed it to me. I looked at it in dismay. I would have to be a lot more careful this time. I sighed and kneeled by the computer. I unplugged everything out of their slots, took the computer, and then I started unscrewing the screws that held the outside plate in place.

"So, Emiya, how have you been lately?" Issei said, and though I didn't see anything odd with his question, his tone seemed off to my ears.

I pretended not to notice as I unscrewed the second screw. "Not much, just waiting for the review season to be over."

He regarded my answer. "Yeah, I know what you mean," he paused briefly. "Do you mind if I ask you something?" he asked, sounded rather uncomfortable.

"Go right ahead," I said, only half paying attention. I kept my fingers on the wires to make the connection by Reinforcement possible, but I was looking around, pretending to be inspecting the computer for problems, when I was actually visualizing it in my head. I didn't realize how much harder it was if I didn't have my eyes closed.

"You're good friends with Rin Tohsaka, right?" He asked and the question made me freeze momentarily before I continued as usually. He never brought up the subject of Rin before; he was usually the one avoiding it.

"Yeah, we're good friends. Enough to tell you that you're being ridiculous about her," I said and tried to concentrate during the brief silence. I closed my eyes for just a second longer than I normally would and I saw what the problem was, a mere loose wire that could easily be fixed. I didn't even need my toolbox for this.

"Yeah," I heard Issei trail off. "I—" he paused abruptly, then continued, "She got to me, Emiya," he said the words so quickly, I didn't think I heard them. Since I wasn't paying him much attention, I didn't even understand what he meant.

"Got to you how?" I asked distractedly and tried to put the wire back in its place, and trying to be delicate with the rest of the stuff at the same time.

"Used her witchcraft on me, no doubt!" his voice sounded a lot more like how I knew it, but his words still didn't make sense. I put the wire in its place and started putting the plate back.

"Witchcraft," I repeated, not even trying to sway him again, I tried too many times and it didn't work.

"Yes, well, how else would this happen?" I saw him throw his hands in the air in exasperation.

I started screwing the plate back while trying to pay attention to what he was saying and make sense of it at the same time. "What happened?"

"She took my heart out and turned it into mush!" he cried and I bet some people around us looked his way rather uncertainly because of the fuss.

I let a moment of silence fall between us while I finished my task. After that, I plugged everything back in, placed the computer back in its slot and turned it on – it worked. Only after I finished did I turn to Issei, whose expression was anguished. "What are you talking about?" I asked him feeling more than just a little confused and frustrated at him being so vague. Two people in the course of a few hours were too much.

"Rin Tohsaka! She bewitched me to fall into her web like the rest of school's male population!"

I stared at him, but not because I didn't understand. I stared because it was all so incredibly strange. After all he said about her, he… I didn't know if I should grin at how things turned out or slap my forehead for the exact same reason. "You like her?" I asked, making sure I understood right. Issei nodded. That's when I allowed myself to grin. "What are you going to do?" I asked. Although I was never the one to talk about stuff such as this, this case proved to be an exception. I knew Issei since we were in middle school, and as long as I've known him, he has never shown any interest in any girl before. At least, as far as I knew.

"There's nothing I can do, now is there? After all the things I've said to her, I can't just—It's a mere infatuation, I will get over it," he said confidently.

"How about you have lunch with us for a change?" I proposed and while he seemed eager, he was equally scared.

"What if she figures out? Remember what happened to Shinji, she utterly destroyed him!" he exaggerated.

I sighed, not wanting to hear about Shinji. "Shinji had an ego bigger than this school. You're not like that. Although, as your friend, I have to warn you." Issei leaned in just as I heard the bell ring. I wanted to make this quick. "Tohsaka is not your average high school girl, she might not be interested," I said, being pretty sure that no guy in this school ever crossed her notice except me, though that happened for different reasons and we were just friends.

His shoulders slumped then rose from his chair. His long, midnight blue bangs covered half his face. "What am I going to do?"

I shrugged, not knowing the answer to that myself. I took my toolbox and made a mental note to stop at my locker really quick before I went to class. I would have to run back though… "Talk with her, get to know her, and then see what happens," I said in what I thought was the best answer. Issei nodded and I smiled encouragingly at him. "Have lunch with us tomorrow," I told him before I gave him a parting pat on the back and ran to my locker.

I made it back to class few second after the bell rang. Even so, Sayuri-sensei still scolded me, though it was rather half-hearted because I was almost never late to class.

"Try not to let it happen again, Shirou," she told me, her eyes focusing on me intently.

"Yes, Sayuri-sensei," I said automatically and went to my seat, thinking today was simply too odd for words.

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**A/N: No, not as exciting as the previous, i missed it too. But still, i think it's going well. Things are starting to speed up. I'm a chapter ahead in writing it and it already is, i can tell you that.**

**Thanks to all those who reviewed and favorited and/or alerted on my story. It makes me really happy that you guys took your time to read it so far and i hope you will enjoy the rest too!**

**Read and review, please!**


	9. Into the Night

**Disclaimer: **_I do not own any of the Type-Moon characters, and i still haven't married Chad Kroeger, so i _still_ don't have any part of his stuff. _

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**Chapter 9**

**- Into the Night –**

The phrase 'Time flies when you're having fun' is true. However, the inverse can be claimed to be true as well. The last week was irrefutable proof of this fact.

Issei took my advice and started having lunch with us, though it didn't go as smoothly as I hoped. Although Tohsaka let him stay at our table, she acted as if he was hardly worth her attention. If he spoke directly to her, she would give him a curt reply and then continue the conversation she was having with me as if he hadn't even spoken.

I knew why she was doing this - it was for all the things he had said about her in the past. Though she pretended they didn't affect her, her attitude the next day proved that they had hurt her at least slightly. Either that or it was her way of getting revenge. By the end of lunch, when we separated, Issei looked as down as I've seen him in a long time. The rest of the week wasn't much better, and I don't think that I was imagining the growing tension between my two friends. I felt it especially _strongly _from Tohsaka, who acted as if she was constantly bothered by some irksome fly.

Aside from that, the weather report announced a high chance of thunderstorms, so we had to put our amusement park plans on hold. Ilya was especially disappointed when she saw that, but I assured her we would still go, on a nice, sunny Sunday. As it was the middle of May, nice, sunny days were not uncommon. Ilya, reassured, smiled at me with an energetic nod, her good mood already restored.

When I saw the report though, I called Neko-san to tell her that our trip has been postponed and that I will be coming to work on Saturday.

"Emi-yan, you can't be serious!" she told me, "You're going to walk all that way here in the rain? You'll catch a cold! There's no way I'm letting you come this Saturday!" She sounded pretty firm. I protested, but she would hear none of it. Therefore, I was forced to accept her ruling and stay home that day.

And this is where I was now - at home, in my room, sitting on the floor, staring out the window, watching the pouring rain, strikes of lightning, and counting off the seconds between the roar of thunder that followed; I let my mind wander as I lost myself in the strange patterns the trails of water on the window made as the downpour showed no signs of letting up. I sighed, and rested my chin on my palm as I sunk deeper and deeper into my reverie.

_Saber_…_How is the after-life treating you? Is the Throne of Heroes as wonderful as they say in books?_ I read that the Throne of Heroes befits any and all of its souls to the most appealing environment to them. I wondered what Saber's would be like. I wondered if she thought of me at all. Did she regret her decision? Was she as convinced as before that it was for the best? Did her feelings for me change at all?

I looked up at the gloomy sky and the rain splattering my window thinking I couldn't get more desolate than this. I tried to smile though and reason that the weather was the reason behind it.

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That following week, it seemed as if Ayame wasn't satisfied with Sakura's answer, so she decided to pursue me on her own. She cornered me one day after school and, with a determination that I haven't seen in her eyes before, said, "Emiya-san, why haven't you rejoined archery club yet?"

At the time, I was still putting my stuff away in my bag, so her sudden appearance as well as her slightly louder voice startled me. "Because I don't think I have what it takes anymore," I answered honestly.

"You should let the captain decide your level," she said, and her voice sounded like it had somewhat of an edge. As if just realizing it, her face as well as her tone softened. "Mitsuzuri said you were one of the best they ever had."

"'Was' is the key word," I pointed out.

"Your shoulder has been long healed, though I'm sure that incident didn't take away your talent." I didn't say anything, mainly because I didn't know what I _could_ say to that. I haven't practiced much at all and the last time I wielded a bow and arrow was during the Grail War, which was more than a year ago. "Sakura tells us you were the best," she continued.

"I'm not nearly as good at her," I countered back.

"Not many people are," she agreed, "that's why I chose her as my co-captain. But we still need some new talent. Or, better yet, some old talent," she smiled slightly.

I shifted uncomfortably in my place and decided it was safe not to answer so I made a deliberate step forward, not necessarily towards her but towards the door. When I saw that she didn't have any intention of stopping me, I gathered my things and began to leave. I could feel her eyes staring at me the whole time, disappointment mixed with something else I couldn't identify were written over her face. The smile she once held was completely gone.

Right when I was about to leave the classroom I stopped, feeling more rimmed with guilt than I knew I should be. She was only looking out for the club, and I'm sure Sakura appreciated her effort. Just for that, I wanted to make my final decision not such a big blow.

"You're going to be a good captain, Ayame," I said and looked behind at her startled face. "Only Mitsuzuri had as much determination as you do. And, if you're as talented as Sakura claims you are, I'm positive the archery club will bring some new trophies to the school," I smiled at her and saw that she blushed slightly at my praise. I left, before she could say anything else.

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Time passed and, slowly, the early days of summer began in June, as the progress in our research had been slowed to a crawl. I had hoped that after we found out about the Third Magic things would speed up, at least slightly, but I was wrong. I somehow didn't take into consideration how many books Tohsaka had and, even when we had something specific to look for, progress was still was sluggish. Aside from that, every time I tried to bring up Sakura to her, she would either silence me with a scowl of disapproval or would simply ignore my suggestions and protests.

Her attitude, however legitimate and understandable, somehow angered me. In my eyes, she was wasting precious time. Every morning she refused to walk with us was a wasted opportunity, but she didn't want to listen. I gritted my teeth to bite off the comment that I knew she would ignore and looked at my book again, although I had learned almost no new pertinent information so far. I hated that finding out about Rin and Sakura interfered with my research, but it couldn't be helped. Ever since she told me I couldn't stop thinking about it.

At times like this, I wished that I knew what she was thinking, what the reason for her reluctance was. I sighed, feeling frustrated, and closed the book more roughly than I intended. "I'll be going," I said, frowning. I needed some fresh air. Some time to think. Some time alone.

This time, she didn't ask for a reason, although it was early. I had an entire hour to burn. She nodded at me and, without a word exchanged between us, I left, feeling Tohsaka's blue eyes burning a hole in my back. Stuffing my hands into my pockets, I resorted to a brisker pace than I'd usually have and took a familiar route toward the bridge, somehow feeling Saber's absence even more than I did before.

_Saber_…_Saber_…I momentarily stopped saying her name, because my chest started to ache at the mere thought of her. I had thought that, maybe, that ache would subside once I had started researching and getting some new leads on how to bring her back, knowing that it wouldn't be long before I did.

But I was wrong, very wrong on that assumption. Instead of subsiding, with each passing day it grew steadier, more pronounced, as if knowing that we will soon be reunited, but that day wasn't coming soon enough.

I sighed, feeling depressed, and I tried to ignore that ache in my chest as I made my way through the usual rush-hour traffic and toward the bridge, quickening my pace automatically to get there faster. When I made the first step on the bridge, I felt a wave of relief wash over me, as if this place alone, so incredibly full with her memory, could instantly soothe away my raw edges.

When I looked ahead, towards the long bridge, for a quick instant I could have sworn I saw her there, arms folded loosely over her chest, a small smile on her lips. Her green eyes softened as I approached slowly, taking each step as cautiously as I could as if not to distort the beautiful illusion that my mind created. I allowed myself to be sucked in all too willingly, but when I extended my hand to reach out to her, Saber's smile turned sad and her image shattered into many tiny specs of light dancing around me, much like that day, at dawn, when she walked out of my life.

I stayed frozen in place, unmoving, trying with all my being to make the image come back. I failed.

_So this is the end._ Her words rang in my ears as clearly as if she had just spoken them. Indeed, that was the end. But we're steadily approaching a new beginning. I allowed myself to smile at that prospect as I leaned against the metal rail. I bowed my head against the weight of the memories that flooded through my mind as they always did when I was in this place.

_Shirou, I love you._ I heard her voice again and I closed my eyes for the longest time. How incredibly wrong I was to think that I could just forget about her and go on with life as if she had never set a foot in it. How wrong I was to think that forgetting about her was easy and that I was willing to do it. I frowned deeply, though my eyes were still closed.

I foresaw the fact that I would soon falter under the weight of her memory and the pain of her absence, but that moment seemed to be coming a lot sooner than I originally thought it would. I thought back on how this feeling had intensified as I progressed in research. For the first time in all these weeks, I felt a quick pang of fear. What was I going to do if there wasn't a way to bring her back?

It was already painful to go through each day, acting close to normal in front of my family and friends, putting on that usual fake smile for them and assuring them that I was alright.

I straightened, opened my eyes and peered up at the sky. _Can you see me now, Saber?_ I asked the Heavens. I briefly wondered what she would think if she _could_ see me now. Would she be sad for me, that I couldn't move on? Or would she be happy that I still love her as deeply as I did before? Knowing Saber, it would probably be the former. If she could, she would give me a lecture about taking care of myself better and, possibly, she'd even tell me to consider forgetting about her if that was what it took. A small smile spread on my lips on thinking of her scowling face, but it faded as I thought of her.

_Only a dead man thinks of placing others before himself,_ she said, and I remember her looking me right in the eye as she said it. Then she looked away toward the setting sun. Its fiery colors embedded in her green eyes and her golden, sun-painted hair, making her expression seem even more determined, as well as angry.

_Don_'_t ever go meddling in my past ever again!_ She almost shouted at me and I closed my eyes again, though I didn't try to block out the painful memories. The painful ones and the happy ones were both part of the same core. Denying them would be as if I was denying a part of Saber, and therefore Saber herself.

I recalled the many expressions she revealed to me; the smiling one, the embarrassed one, the angry one, the sad one, her composed expression when she fought, and that one look that was for me alone, that I saw that last night when she took her hair down. I dearly hoped I would get to see her face again, to hold it in my hands and to never take it for granted ever again.

I lost track of how long I stood there in thought. If it wasn't for the sun slowly, but deliberately going towards the horizon, I wouldn't have known how much time had passed. It could've been anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours. People walked by me without giving me a second glance. The sound of their cars and shoes against the pavement, though annoying and loud at first, slowly faded to the background, so I didn't pay them any further heed.

That was why, when a soft sounding pair walked towards me and stopped by my side I didn't even notice, until the owner's voice said, "Senpai?"

Although I knew exactly who it was, I still looked up to meet Sakura's worried lavender eyes under her thin, furrowed brows. "Hey Sakura," I said, my tone sounding distant even to my ears. I put on a smile just so that she would overlook my blunder.

She was merciful. Or she was just being as she always was, unnaturally kind. Either way, she tactfully ignored my slip and returned my smile. I started feeling better just by looking at it. "Senpai, you came back here again, I see," she noted. One word in her sentence stuck out to me.

"You saw me here before?" I asked her and she blushed, her eyes widening momentarily, averted from me to gaze at her folded hands, as if finding them rather interesting all of a sudden.

"I sometimes take this route when I go to Senpai's house."

"I had no idea," I mused and realized I was still slumped over. I straightened up, but felt slightly worse that Sakura had to see me during my most depressed moments.

Sakura shrugged, nonplussed by my lack of observation, and looked away toward the sun. "I didn't want to bother you," she answered easily and then we both remained quiet.

I tried to remember the last time I had been alone with her, but couldn't. It was, most likely, more than a year ago, before the Grail War had even started. It felt nice, as if we were walking down memory lane together. I looked at Sakura's face and I suddenly remembered the picture that Tohsaka showed me of the two of them when they were little.

I tried picturing her with dark hair and blue eyes, much like Tohsaka's, but I couldn't. I was used to seeing Sakura this way and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't yield that image.

Sakura noticed me staring at her and she met my eyes curiously, a slight blush forming in her face. "What is it, Senpai?" she asked me and I panicked ever so slightly. I didn't know how to approach the subject. I didn't want to give away what I knew or, indeed, that I knew anything at all.

I looked away towards the sun that was beginning to set and leaned against the rail again. "I was just thinking of the past," I started, "about Kiritsugu and my lost parents." Sakura was watching me intently.

"Do you remember your parents at all?" she asked me kindly, thinking this was a hard subject for me. She didn't know that it was much harder for me to talk about the Fuyuki fire that caused the death of my parents. I mourned over Kiritsugu's death a lot more than my real parents because my mind somehow held no recollection of them or any memories before the fire at all.

I shook my head. "I don't remember anything. That made me wonder, right before you came. As far as I can remember you never talked about your family," I felt the knot in my throat rise but I hoped it wouldn't be obvious in my tone. "Why is that?" I asked and looked at her to see her reaction.

Before my eyes, her frail body stiffened ever so slightly and her eyes widened, my question completely catching her off guard. I never asked this before because I felt as if these were matters that I shouldn't ask about and shouldn't know, unless that person is willing to share. This case was entirely different in my eyes though, which was why I made the exception.

"Senpai," she said slowly as if I was missing something. "You know about my family." Her words struck me as odd at first and then I realized my big mistake and cursed myself internally. I _did_ know about the Matou family, but that wasn't who I was asking about. Sakura, however, never mentioned the fact that she was adopted, let alone what happened _after_ her adoption. I wasn't supposed to know, but Rin told me. Rin and Sakura weren't on the best of relations. How would Sakura react if I told her Rin told me her story?

"Yes," I hedged after a long silence on my part, "I do. But–" what? What could I say now to fix my blunder? Should I tell the truth?

I looked deeper into her lavender eyes and realized that maybe the truth might be the best way to deal with this situation. How else could she find out that Rin really does care about her?

"Senpai?" Sakura's voice brought me back to where we were. On the bridge, close to the time when we would have to go home.

"Never mind," I said, smiling assuredly, "forget I mentioned anything on the subject."She nodded slowly, as if suspicious that I might start interrogating her again. I put my hand gently on the small of her back, and guided her away from the bridge. "Let's go home," I said, hoping she understood the double meaning of my words.

Sakura returned my smile and it was brighter than I've seen it all day. She nodded and followed me, letting herself to be guided by my hand. She leaned against me ever so slightly, but I didn't pull away, thinking that our conversation, though short, might have drained her emotionally. Out of the corner of my eye I saw that she had closed her eyes briefly.

We walked in silence all the way home.

When we arrived and got inside, I was surprised to see that Ilya was already there, her arms folded across her chest, looking sullen. "Where have you been?" she pouted at us. "It's close to dinner time."

"Is it?" I asked distractedly, not really bothered by that information. Sakura, on the other hand, started panicking and almost ran to the kitchen to get started.

"It's ok, Sakura, I'll help you," I said easily, but that didn't calm her down.

"But Fujimura-sensei will be home soon," she said frantically. Despite her panic, I was impressed to see that Sakura was very quick and precise in her movements as she started on the food immediately.

"So? She can wait." I pictured Fuji-nee's face when we tell her that dinner will be late.

Sakura decided on something quick and easy, the main dish being eggrolls with a few sides. We moved quickly working together and with Ilya's help, we were almost done by the time Fuji-nee came.

As she marched into the dining room, she inhaled deeply and said, "Eggrolls!" as if she was being reunited with an old friend. I grinned at the mental picture and put the side dishes on the table. When everything was done, we all settled at the table in our usual spots and we were just about to start eating when—

Right before my chopsticks reached my mouth, the phone rang. We all stared at it for two rings, but then I finally decided to take it.

"Emiya residence," I answered, more out of habit.

I was surprised to hear Tohsaka's voice at the end of the line. "Shirou, you have to come quick." Her voice was odd. She sounded frantic, but I couldn't decide if that was because something bad happened or because she was really happy about something.

"What happened?" seemed to be a safe question.

I heard her take a deep breath as if to steady herself, then she quickly rushed through the words. "I think I found it."

My heart skipped a beat at the possible meaning, but I wanted to make sure before I started celebrating. "What did you find?"

"I _think_," she emphasized the word, "I found a way to bring Saber back. Or, at least, how to summon her soul _after_ we figure out how to establish the path toward Akasha."

My eyes widened and my breath got caught in my throat. "I'll be right there," I said and waited for her quick reply before I slammed the phone in the receiver.

"What happened, Shirou?" Fuji-nee asked me, looking worried.

"I'm going to Tohsaka's," I answered, frowning though my lips were gradually widening into a grin. I hardly believed that she had actually found something. I regretted leaving her house early now.

"For what? Did something happen?" she asked me, looking confused. She and Ilya were staring at me, but Sakura was looking down at her folded hands in her lap. I couldn't read her expression because her long, lavender bangs hid her eyes. Immediately, as I looked at her, I realized I was leaving right when we were about to start on the dinner she prepared. I felt guilty and ashamed, but it couldn't be helped now. I had already told Tohsaka I'd be coming. I made a mental note to make it up to Sakura later.

"Tohsaka just found some vital information for our research," I answered as I took an eggroll and bit off half of it.

"Can't it wait?" Fuji-nee kept badgering me with questions.

"Can't you at least stay for dinner, Senpai?" Sakura's quiet voice somehow seemed louder in my ears than Fuji-nee's and I was panged with guilt when I answered.

I only answered Sakura's question. "No, I'm afraid I can't." I ate the rest of my eggroll, took another one for the road and went towards the door. "Don't wait for me, but I'll be back as soon as I can."

Right before I exited though, I stopped and unconsciously put my hand on the door frame. I looked over my shoulder at Sakura alone and saw that her lavender eyes revealed she was hurt by my actions - truly hurt. That look was like a punch in the gut.

I gave her an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you, I promise." And just like that, I cast a magic spell that only I could cast, that those who knew me understood beyond question; I don't give my promises lightly and when I do, I always keep them. I stood in the doorway and waited for her reaction - any kind of reaction. She gave me a weak smile in return and once I saw that I left.

As soon as I was outside I ran at full speed toward Tohsaka's house, feeling that I couldn't get there soon enough. The sun was beginning to set and if I wanted to get there before nightfall I had to hurry.

_Saber…Saber..._ The ache was back and my heart was pounding frantically, though I knew that it had little to do with the physical effort of running at full speed. My pulse was pounding hard in my ears, sounding more like a pendulum than a heart beat as I felt adrenaline rush through my body, pushing me forward, faster.

Saber's smiling face materialized in front of my eyes, slowly beckoning me to the truth.

Beckoning me to her.

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**A/N: I'm terribly sorry for the long wait. Homework has literally been eating up my time, but right now, for a while, things should get back to normal. I don't know how close to my usual deadline i can get from now on, which is a week, because i have two beta-readers who are looking over these chapters before i post them on here. These two people also have their lives and their own time and i'm honored that they volunteered to do this for me. I won't hurry them. **

**Also, another reason why i haven't posted this chapter this weekend like i initially proposed was that it proved to have more difficult things to insert than i thought. It's been though quite some changes, but something tells me it won't be nearly as bad as the next chapter. **

**Thanks so much for all of you wh are still reading this story, despite my long absence. I hope that what will come next and how things will unfold will be worth it.**

**Also, thanks so much for all of you who favorited or alerted my story as well as reviewed on it. Reviews with your comments, criticism and opinions are always welcome. **

**That's it for my rambling. Enjoy the new chapter!**


	10. Intermission

**Intermission**

**Due to recent events - my lack of free time lately, as well as my beta reader's - and the long period of time that I haven't updated this fanfic, I will call it an official intermission. By making it official, I clearly state that it's been too long since I updated this fanfic, I cannot do it at the moment, nor do I know for sure when I will be able to continue writing it. However, I am not removing it. I think this is a great story and it needs to be told, MY way. I promise, to whoever will read this and whoever cares about the outcome of this story, that I will finish it. I started it and I _will_ finish it. That is my final word.**

**I deeply apologize for those who had to wait all this time for an update. I should have posted this earlier, but truth he told, I never thought so much time would pass without me updating. I thought that regardless of how much work I had to do, I would still have some time to work on my writing. I was wrong. I was also wrong not to post this intermission earlier, and making you wait.**

**For those of you who will give up on this story, I understand. I really do, and won't hold it against you. It's my own fault that I lost some, if not almost all of my readers (I said _almost_ because I know there is one person who clearly said they are willing to wait until I am able to continue). **

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**UPDATE:**

**I am still alive. (lol!) Thought I should clear that up.**

**Even though I haven't actually visited _Lady of the Past_ in a while, I see that it has not been forgotten. My old readers reassured me that they will wait, and now there have been new readers who stumble upon it and promise to come back when I will. I cannot tell you how much it warms my heart to hear these words. I cannot tell you how much it means to me when people tell me that they want to read my story as much as I want to write it. It's an incredibly feeling and I cherish it.**

**Unfortunately, it's been almost a year and, I will be honest with you, I have not worked on _Lady of the Past_ at all during this time. But your encouragement gave me new strength, and your words will not go to waste, I promise. ****I came back to thank you all, the old, and the new. You guys are the very reason I write. I will not let you down. :) My promise still holds.**

**And a special thanks to FArz. I can't reply to your review because you left an anonymous one, but please know that your words meant a lot to me. Thank you.**


	11. Build for Sin

**_Disclaimer:_**_ After all this time, I still do not own FSN, though I desperately want to own the mangas. I don't own the song either, it belongs to Framing Hanley._

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**A/N:** Ok, now let me explain. It's kind of a long story, so if you want to just skip to the actual story, you are welcome to. But I feel compelled to explain myself.

You see, about a year ago or so, this chapter went through many, _many_ changes. I will give you one tiny spoiler about this chapter. It's in Sakura's POV. Sakura was an incredible challenge for me to write, definitely one of the hardest characters to write in their POV ever, in my opinion. I'm not sure if it beats Hiei from Yu Yu Hakusho, because I still haven't brought myself to write something in his POV yet, but anyway. Back on topic, this chapters has been in the works for a long time, and I'm not talking about the year I've been "away." I'm talking about the time when I was still working on this story. I never seemed to get it right for various reasons, mainly because I put too much emphasis on Heaven's Feel, since it's mainly Sakura's story in that route. However, since i haven't played the game, that proved to be extremely difficult. So i left the chapter unfinished and never published it.

In this time I've been away though, though I haven't actually worked on _Lady of the Past_, this thought has stayed in my mind and I've made a decision. Some of you may not agree with it, but if it will help me write this story even a little bit faster, I will do it. I've decided to only use my knowledge on the characters, and whatever else I can learn from helpful websites. I don't own the game, and I do not have the time to watch all the videos of Heaven's Feel to make the story - or, at least Sakura's part - perfect. Yes, Sakura deserves better than that, but for now that is what i can do.

This is fanfiction. I want to make something work and I will make it work. If i have to go through some story barriers I will do it. I have an obligation to this story to tell it.

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**A/N #2:** Quick recap on the chapter titles, since it's been a while:

- [Chapter Name] - : Shirou's POV  
~ [Chapter Name] ~ : Rin's POV

And now the new one:

* [Chapter Name] * : Sakura's POV

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**Chapter 10**

*** Built for Sin ***

I don't know for how long I kept looking at the door, not necessarily hoping he would come right back, but more out of incredulity.

She stole so much from me already. Was she aiming to take Senpai away too? Was she trying to separate me from the one person that brought me happiness for so long? The one reason I went on living for all this time when there seemed to be no hope left? Did she think I was too happy with him? Or maybe…It wasn't her doing. Maybe not this time, or ever. Fate obviously seemed to favor her over me. Was this time no different? Taking away all my means of escape and comfort?

It worked until now, after all.

I frowned despite myself. When will she stop haunting me? Nee-san. Rin Tohsaka. Part of the family that refused to even acknowledge me since the age of five. Daughter of the father that had never actually acknowledged me.

"Ugh, that boy," Fujimura-sensei's voice brought me back to reality. She and Ilya-chan had been looking at the door too, so I had enough time to take a deep calming breath and put on a smile, at least until dinner was over. I didn't want them to see how much what happened had upset me; I'd hate to worry them, these people that were as close to a family as I ever had.

"Don't bother with him, Sakura," Fujimura-sensei continued. "Sometimes he has the tact of a toothbrush." She pondered for a short while. "Maybe you should punish him by not making him dinner tomorrow. Come to my house instead."

Her comment made my smile look more natural. "It's all right. It's not like it happens on a daily basis. It was an emergency." It certainly looked like an emergency. I've never seen such urgency and excitement in his eyes.

I saw Ilya-chan nod and I turned my eyes on her. "Onii-chan never misses dinner if he can help it. He likes spending time with us too much," she smiled good-naturedly and then took a meticulous bite out of her eggroll like she was a little princess with immaculate table manners. I briefly wondered, as I saw her carefree smile how had life been like for her.

She seemed like the type of child that spend her childhood without being terrorized and tortured every minute of the day. It must have been truly wonderful.

Dinner continued as usual, though without Senpai it seemed to be a lot different.

Fujimura-sensei and Ilya-chan went on as usual with their chatter and while I tried to keep up or maybe even join in, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead, I watched them while I ate slowly. None of the words they were saying were sinking in and I couldn't taste what I was mechanically putting in my mouth.

"These are delicious, Sakura-chan!" Fujimura-sensei praised me.

_Really? I thought they tasted like nothing at all_.

As if she heard me, Ilya-chan nodded vehemently, taking an unusually big bite off her eggroll as if to prove her point. _So much for table manners,_ I mentally chuckled.

I studied my two unofficial family members, while at the same time I tried to shove the images of the past back into the back of my head where they usually were – silently brooding and planning for another opportunity to come out in the open. As I looked from Fujimura-sensei to Ilya-chan, I was suddenly struck by the thought that though our bond may not be by blood, it was the closest thing to it: a deep, long relationship. Though my mind wasn't absorbing their words, I could tell by their expressions that they were enjoying themselves. They got along a lot better than they had in the past, due to Fujimura-sensei's effort and Ilya-chan's willingness. That fact made me glad. We were as close to a family as we could be.

My smile faded despite myself at the thought of the word family and the memories it brought, most of which were of my mother and Rin. Even after so long, the word "family" still brought up their images. I hardly remember my father at all, he was almost never around, and when he was, he had eyes only for Rin. I remember well the feeling of yearning for my father's loving arms around me while he hardly even acknowledged my existence.

I remember spying on them once when father was teaching Rin about magic. They were both in his study and I was right by the door, plastered to the wall, listening intently. The first time was most shocking, though I was absolutely fascinated by their conversation. My eyes widened in wonder at the unfamiliarity of the words used. "Thaumaturgy." "Magecraft." "Magic Crest." "Prana." I didn't know what any of them meant, but I loved to listen. I was never included.

I started making a habit out of eavesdropping on their conversations. Once, I heard Father tell Nee-san, "I know that one day you will bring us the Holy Grail and make our ideals come true. Make me proud, Rin." I sighed. I wished—

"Onee-chan?" Ilya's voice made me focus back on her. I wondered for how long I have been out.

"Sakura-chan, are you all right? You hardly touched your food at all," she looked worried and I immediately felt guilty for letting my control slip.

"No, I'm fine, I just dozed off," I smiled at her and out of the corner of my eye I surveyed how much food was left to estimate how much longer dinner will last. I really wanted to be alone at the moment, which was strange. I usually didn't like being by myself – it reminded me too much of the past. At the same time, I never actually craved the company of people my age. I never seemed to fit in.

"Oh no!" Fujimura-sensei's eyes widened in mock horror. "Not you too! Shirou must have given you the love-sickness disease!" she exclaimed and pointed an accusing finger at me. Then her expression changed to something I only saw behind Senpai's back or when he wasn't present. She grinned and leaned in as she said in a low voice, "But of course, you already had it, didn't you?"

I flushed deeply and looked at my hands that were clutching my skirt for dear life in a habitual action of when I was embarrassed.

"Wha-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-at?" Ilya sounded as if a secret has been kept behind her back. Which was exactly what happened. "Onee-chan likes somebody?" her big, crimson eyes widened at the prospect.

Fujimura-sensei grinned and leaned in toward Ilya. "Actually, Sakura likes Shirou." She winked and Ilya's eyes, if possible, got even wider. Her mouth hung open for few seconds before she smiled widely.

"Onee-chan likes Onii-chan!" Ilya-chan chanted, clapping her hands happily, "Onee-chan likes Onii-chan!"

"Ilya-chan—" I was flustered beyond belief and tried, unsuccessfully, to stop her chanting.

"Shhh!" Fujimura-sensei hushed her sharply. "That's a secret. Onii-chan mustn't find out!"

Ilya pouted, jutting out her lower lip and frowned but said nothing more. She was obviously not pleased at all that she was supposed to keep it. I assumed she liked spilling secrets a lot better.

Fujimura-sensei leaned away, but her expression didn't change. "I wouldn't worry, Sakura. The way I see it, Shirou's friendship with Rin Tohsaka is strictly professional. He likes you a lot better," I looked up to meet her eyes and she winked.

I didn't say anything, mostly because though I desperately wanted to believe her words, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I've liked Senpai for the longest time and I had absolutely no idea what to do about that fact. Nee-san seemed better than me in all aspects possible. If even my own father chose her over me, why wouldn't Senpai do the same? I looked away from her confident expression.

Fujimura-sensei sighed heavily. "Thank you for the delicious food, Sakura. Again," she smiled at me and I was glad the previous conversation was over, "Let me help you clean up." I looked at my mostly untouched food and decided I wasn't going to finish it so I nodded. We cleaned up fast, and didn't have any leftovers. I wondered what Senpai would eat…

After we were done, Fujimura-sensei bid her goodbye. Before she left she looked over her shoulder at me. "I assume you will be staying to wait for Shirou to come back, is that right?" she asked. I flushed slightly and nodded. I already made up my mind to make him another batch of eggrolls because he only ate two before he left and I wasn't sure if he would eat anything in the meantime.

"All right, then. Ilya," she turned to Ilya, "come to my house tonight."

"But Ilya wants to see Onii-chan and Onee-chan together!" she complained and that made me blush a shade darker.

"Okay then. I'll have the doughnuts and ice cream all for myself," she turned to leave the motion was too slow to be credible. Ilya widened her eyes at the prospect of missing such an opportunity and walked over to Fujimura-sensei's side. "Ilya's coming," she declared and Fujimura-sensei smiled as if she knew that could work. As I watched the two walk away from the house I thought about how much alike the two of them were.

I closed the door and faced the empty house, my smile already whipped off my lips. I sighed heavily. It was so much different without Senpai there. The house didn't feel nearly as welcoming, nor as warm. Just as I had that thought, I wrapped my arms around myself in an unconscious gesture. I went to clean the table and then I started on the eggrolls, trying to keep myself busy so that the voices of the past would go by unnoticed. It was much harder to ignore them when I was by myself, possibly because the very fact reminded me too much of my time while Zouken was alive.

I was glad he was dead. He was the one person that I could say that about: I am glad that he died. My tormentor was out of my life for over a year now and I couldn't muster enough curiosity to find out how it happened.

I remembered unwillingly some of the worst firsts of my life. My first time away from home that, from that point on, wasn't my home anymore, but I kept referring to it as such. My first time in the worm-infested basement, which was on the third day since I've been at the Matou house. The first time he ever touched me I flinched away, frightened as well as disgusted by the stranger. The first time he – or anybody for that matter – hit me was right afterward.

After that I had to control myself not to flinch away from him, but even so he found plenty more reasons to torment and punish me for. Whether those reasons were for training or for his amusement, I could hardly tell the difference. I learned quickly, but sometimes not quickly enough. When I got up in the morning, I mentally prepared myself for whatever he had in store for me.

I shuddered at the images despite myself. Every so often he would grab a handful of my hair and examine his success so far. Though I didn't know at the time what the worms entailed, I could see the results myself. My dark hair and blue eyes, much like Nee-san's, were taking on the tint of the Matou bloodline, becoming more plum as the days went by. In just a few weeks, I looked more like Shinji's sister than Nee-san's. So much more that I almost forgot where I came from. Only I didn't. Though I never wanted to separate myself from my family even despite everything that had happened, Zouken wouldn't let me forget either way.

A deep, blind anger surged through me at the thought of his face and I unconsciously tightened my grip on the knife I was holding. I winced as pain shot through my finger as I realized that I cut myself by accident. I frowned as blood trickled down on it, as if annoyed by the inconvenience. I absentmindedly left my finger under the pouring water in the sink, and when the bleeding stopped, I went to look for a band-aid, knowing I winced more out of surprise than pain. I was used to pain. A simple cut was nothing to what I used to get at the Matou household.

After I got my band-aid I went back to the kitchen, as I just noticed that while I was lost in thought I made more eggrolls than I intended. I decided to stop and put them in the oven.

Once I did that, I started on the dishes while the eggrolls cooked. Although they wouldn't take long, I couldn't trust myself to just sit around. Even with my being busy, memories still flashed before my eyes. I remembered a particular incident that happened while I was in the basement. I remember contemplating the sounds around me and how in the silence I could ever hear the slithering sounds of the worms as they crawled everywhere they could reach. Then, I heard someone calling my name. I didn't recognize the voice, mainly because it was all muffled by the many closed doors between me and the outside world, but I was sure I heard it repeatedly. I wasn't sure what made me pull myself from the worms' clutches and go outside. Maybe it was the fact that somebody was calling my name so pleadingly, as if they needed me somehow. Or maybe it was just the fact that somebody was calling my name period, since I hardly got any interaction with people at all. Sometimes I contemplated if I could forget how to speak.

When I got outside I was disappointed to see that I didn't know the person who was calling my name. His face was twisted in a permanent grimace, and his body was in an awkward position. The only thing that was remotely human about him was his left eye which was a brilliant blue.

The man said he came to free me, and uttered my name yet again. I wondered how this stranger knew me. Still, I felt for him. He seemed so weak and so lonely, possibly even delusional, although he seemed to know my name. He reached out to me but I stayed rooted on the stop, unsure of what to do. Before he could do anything else, he breathed his final breath and died on the Matou steps.

Zouken didn't give him a second glance, though he did come outside to know what all the commotion was about. I didn't realize he was there until he slapped me across the cheek. Then he threw the most insulting and degrading words down on me for leaving the basement before it was time. Those were the first words he'd spoken to me in some time. That day I didn't have any dinner and I had to stay locked up until the following morning.

When I finished washing the dishes, I leaned against the sink and let hot water pour down on my folded hands, letting myself drift further into my thoughts.

They haunted me frequently but I many times I didn't try to oppose them as much as I hated their reminder. Going against my own past was futile and it wasn't as if I could erase it and start anew. I could live with my past, but I'd hate for Senpai to know how very much _unlike_ a normal teenaged girl I am. The angry image of Shinji appeared before my eyes, pointing an accusing finger at me and screaming _Whore!_ The thought saddened me. Shinji had to suffer because of my intervention. He was the true heir of the Matou family and I stole that from him. I stole everything that was rightly his. It's no wonder that he hated me so deeply. I could never bring myself to hate him back, knowing that his hate was legitimate.

I was mortified when I heard that he died. I knew exactly how he died too. What other explanation could there be? Dying so soon after the Holy Grail War started. His death made me think that if I would have opposed him, although I didn't want to participate in the war, I would've been the one to die in his place. Maybe that would be enough repentance for my sins and the mistake of my birth that seemed to get in everyone's way.

Even so, I was still alive, when both Zouken and Shinji were dead. I thought I could live a normal life now that my tormentor was out of the way, but I was wrong. The after-effects of the many years of horror were still vivid everywhere I looked, anywhere I turned. In the house that I lived were memories. Zouken left plenty of memoir-like objects behind, and his basement was still, even today reeking of the smell of his worms although they have been long gone. The worms inside my body died along with Zouken himself. That was the one thing that made me certain of his death. I was grateful that at least I was relieved of their suffocating presence, as well as the horrid side-effects.

At times, when I would be especially alone, I could almost feel the constant reminder of my forced breed as a tingling sensation throughout my body. I expected this feeling to do away after the worms have been cleansed from my body, but it didn't. In such times, I would always shiver and remember of my separation, of my distant childhood, of father, and of Nee-san.

Rin Tohsaka. So many emotions surfaced when I would think of that name. A deep, boiling jealousy. Resentment. Sadness. Yearning. While I was in the Matou mansion, living in an earth-bound hell, she was receiving the love and affection of our father and mother, the teachings and lectures of our teacher, living the life that I would've had. Could've had.

If only I was born first.

Despite everything, though, I could never make myself hate Nee-san. I couldn't hate her. I loved her too much. I've always yearned for her affections and for her attention. It wasn't her fault that this is what fate had in store for us, that we would be so close, yet so far apart. So much alike and yet so different. That she was destined to have everything and I was destined for misery.

I clenched my fists tightly and scowled. But it was her fault that we split apart, not only as sisters, but as friends. Why did she never come back for me? Why did she never even come to visit me? I would imagine that Father forbade it, but nonetheless, I always thought that our bond was stronger than his word. After I was moved to the Matou house, it was as if my Tohsaka past was to be erased. I clung onto my few, blurry memories that I had of my parents and of Nee-san, willing myself to constantly remember that it was real. That I really lived my first five years with my family when everything was taken away from me.

My hand went to touch the pink ribbon form my hair automatically. I used it as a constant reminder of where I came from and of Nee-san herself. If everything faded, I couldn't afford to lose her too.

For years I waited for her to come back, but somewhere along the way, I became from positive and sure of her coming to save me, to hoping, desperately hoping, to realizing she wouldn't. I didn't know how that changed and when, but I knew that it did and I knew she wouldn't come. With my hope lost, I went through each day mechanically, going to school, going through Zouken's continuous training. When I wasn't doing that, I tried to stay out of both Zouken and Shinji's way. At school, whenever I would happen to see Nee-san, we would have a polite, yet detached small conversation and then go out separate ways.

The realization of me never returning to the Tohsaka house, the fact that I would remain with Zouken, the thought of never having the same relationship with Nee-san, the loneliness, the torture, the despair, all constricted me and molded me inside a shell, hiding from the outside world.

I thought I would remain in that shell for my entire life and though it tore me apart, I chose to live like that, knowing that nothing could touch me anymore. Not Zouken, not Shinji, not Nee-san, no one.

That is, until I met him.

I loved him from the first time I have ever seen him. I remember clearly that afternoon, I just outside the courtyard when I saw him. He was repeatedly trying to jump over the bar. I remember him falling, then he would get up and start over again, although every time he tried, he failed. I stayed there, beyond the school wall, watching him for the longest time. I wanted him to fail, and waited, hoping to see him give up, but he didn't. I remember feeling his determination breaking through my shell somehow, like a pitch-black room with a door ever-so-slightly open and flickers of light from the other side flooding through the darkness.

That was the only way to describe Senpai. Light. Despite all odds, Senpai brought light into my world. A giver of warmth and hope. Unyielding even in the fiercest of winds. A protector of the good and, soon enough, my heart. He brought me back among the living when I thought I would remain closed in my shell forever. He showed me compassion where I thought there was only cruelty. He showed me beauty when I saw none. He made me discover love when I thought there wouldn't ever be any for me. I fell in love with him rather accidentally, but immediately.

I yearned everyday to see him at school again, to help him with his chores, to cook his meals. Spending time with him was like breathing air, or drinking water to me. Absolutely essential for my survival and for keeping my sanity. Spending even a little time with him gave me the strength and determination I needed to go back home and pretend I couldn't feel, see, hear nor speak until I would see him again.

Was my time for happiness up? Did I only deserve so much? After all the things she had stolen form me, did she want to take away Senpai too? Nee-san had everything. Somebody like her – beautiful, popular, successful in school, confident, and, above all, _whole –_ was more deserving of him than I could ever be, but—

The timer for the eggrolls went off and I jumped, startled by the sound. I had been so lost in my thoughts I didn't even realize I had been frozen in place the entire time after I finished washing the dishes. I was surprised my right leg didn't hurt or get numb after having my weight shifted on it the entire time I was leaned against the counter, too deep in my reverie to notice anything beside my intense jealousy and yearning.

I grabbed the timer off the top of the stove and turned it off to stop the annoying ringing sound that was more like a screech than an alarm. I turned the oven off, but I let the cooked eggrolls there, not wanting them to be cold by the time Senpai would be home.

I sighed and looked at the ceiling, feeling like I didn't have anything to do. The thoughts of what I was previously pondering on were already lost in the huge muddle of my brain. I didn't try to remember. Instead, I walked out of the kitchen and toward the long hall of rooms that I knew they probably have never been used. I went the familiar way where I knew his room was. I have been there before, once of the first times being when he injured his shoulder.

_That was a long time ago…_ I mused internally. I walked quietly, as if I thought that would make up for my intrusiveness. Though I have been in his house by myself many times before, I was still slightly uncomfortable whenever I was the sole presence in it.

Finally I reached the door to his room and I slid it open quietly. My eyes swept over the contents, which weren't many. Nothing changed since I was last here. I smiled at that prospect, but the fact that I was here by myself reminded me where Senpai was and my smile faded as quick as it came. My fingers gripped the edge of the door tightly.

I won't let her win. I won't let her take Senpai away from me. Though Senpai deserved somebody unbroken and whole, somebody better than me, Nee-san wasn't an option. He deserved somebody better. Somebody like her would just twist him in every direction according to her moods and pleasures, and would just end up tearing him apart. I won't let that happen. I loved Senpai too much to lose him to Nee-san too.

Senpai didn't know how I felt about him. I couldn't make myself to tell him. But if that what was going to take to keep him safe, I would do it. After he knew, then he can be free to make his decision. Though I knew he didn't feel the same way about me, I feel compelled to tell him, thinking that telling him alone would break him away form her clutches.

I knew I wasn't worthy of him. Nee-san didn't have to tell me that. He deserved better than an empty shell. He needs somebody whole and full of life. Even if I will never be the perfect match for him, I will always be the one who would stay by his side until he does find that special someone.

Senpai deserved that. I wouldn't let myself and my feelings for him get in between him and his happiness. But I as much as I loved Nee-san, I couldn't let her have interfere either. Losing the most precious thing to me to the one person I lost everything to, having a small taste of happiness and have that taken away, would tear me apart.

* * *

**A/N: For those of you who came back, you have my deepest thanks. It means a lot to me. I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter.**

**Also, I feel compelled to make clear that the intermission still stands. Again, this is a chapter I have already written. But I will try my hardest to come back to this story because it deserves to be told. Thanks you all for the support. I added a much more deserving thanks in the previous chapter where I mentioned the intermission.**

**Thank you all for the support.**

**Please read and review. :)**


	12. Endless Quest

**Chapter 11**

**- Endless Quest -**

I ran to Tohsaka's house as fast as I could. There was still light out, so that made it easier; dusk had arrived, and the streetlights were on, compensating for the sun's now feeble rays. There was hardly anybody on the sidewalk though there was a lot of traffic on the street. People were heading home from work. The cars' roaring engines and the squeal of tires as they accelerated on the pavement drowned out my otherwise loud and hurried steps.

_Saber…_ The pain was back – yes, now it was more than just an ache, it was a full-fledged pain – but I welcomed it. With every breath I took, in, out, in, out, it hurt so much, but even so, it was a sign that I was getting closer. The yearning to see Saber and to touch her has spread throughout my entire body in just the last few minutes. I pushed myself beyond my limit to go faster, even though my lungs were almost literally screaming in protest.

When I reached Tohsaka's house, a sigh of relief mixed with a pant escaped my throat as I looked up at the magnificent mansion. Half of the upper-level was lit up and I could see through the windows and the soft curtains the elaborate chandeliers that I had overlooked until now. I looked around the floor, trying to see Tohsaka, but I remembered the library didn't face this side of the house directly. I continued to pant as I walked up the stairs, skipping every other one and knocked on the thick wooden door.

Tohsaka opened it on the second knock. "That was fast," she appraised me. Her face was calm and smooth, but underneath, it had somewhat of an edge. I assumed that the time it took me to get here, she used it to steady herself for my arrival.

I wanted to grin, but I was too tense, too anxious. "You told me to come quick, so I did."

She attempted to smile too, but it was very brief. "Come on," she urged me up the stairs and toward the library. Her stride was quick and deliberate but I kept pace with her easily as she led me toward our usual table. She expanded her search on two tables, one of them moved from its place to be closer to the other. Both of them were completely covered in books, some of them in tall stacks of vintage ones with different binding, others opened and cluttered on top each other, as if comparing information. I didn't have time to praise her on her diligence.

She went directly to an older-looking book, closed it rather roughly for as careful and protective she normally was with them and shoved it in my face. I saw a small, white, torn piece of paper sticking out from somewhere closer to the end of the book and I assumed that was the bookmark. I looked away from the moth-eaten, leather-bound book with yellow pages and met Tohsaka's icy blue gaze. She was frowning deeply and something told me that I would be finding out soon why.

"I've been looking in the wrong place the entire time!" she said angrily.

I frowned. "How come?"

Tohsaka took a deep breath to steady herself once more, fiddling with the cover as she spoke. "I thought," she paused for more emphasis, "that since you want the real Saber and not just doll made out of prana that just looks like her, I would have to look into Magic." She gave me a meaningful look, waiting for my agreement. "Because Magic is a real miracle as opposed to an artificial one?" he prompted, raising an eyebrow.

I nodded quickly, feeling slow that I didn't catch up with her.

"Well then, we could both look into all the books into Magic that we have because we won't find it," she stated bluntly.

I frowned, feeling lost again. "Why is that?"

"Because," she averted her eyes toward the table was that closer to us, which seemed to have the older-looking books, "it seems that once upon a time, maybe even before the Einzberns, there didn't used to be this difference between Magecraft and Magic. There was just Magecraft, and there were only real miracles. Nothing artificial, nothing fake." She locked eyes with mine again and continued. "Long story short, artificial miracles were created much later, by some phony who wanted to be regarded as a Magus, but wasn't. And that's when the term of Magic was invented, to separate the two. The Mage's Association decided that more than a thousand years ago. They accorded the term 'Magecraft' for artificial miracles and 'Magic' for the real ones." She put the book she was holding back on the table.

"Isn't that the other way around? Since Magecraft was an older term and it meant, from the beginning, real miracles?" I asked, not really understanding the logic behind it.

Tohsaka met my eyes and nodded. "That's what they initially wanted to do. But somebody in the Association assigned the term 'Magecraft' as a mockery of the past events. They accorded a new name for pure magic in a sign of renewal. And that's how the two stayed until this day."

I nodded, although I still felt the logic was twisted. "Not many people know about this, do they?"

She frowned deeper, as if I just reminded her of something foul and unforgivable. "No. Not even I knew and I doubt even my father or my father's father knew that. This knowledge has been long lost and nobody felt any need to dig it out."

A thought crossed my mind and I decided to voice it. "How did you come across this information if it has been long lost?" _Much like the Third Magic_, I thought, but didn't say it out loud.

Tohsaka gave me a look as if she was questioning my competence. "In a book, Shirou."

"I thought you said the Tohsaka family didn't go back that far," I retorted, remembering her telling me a few weeks back.

"The family _name_ doesn't go that far back, but the actual ancestry does," she said and she didn't look as annoyed with me now that I asked a legitimate, well thought-out question. I nodded and waited for her to continue.

Tohsaka took my silence as a prompt to continue. "The knowledge of bringing people back after their death is very old, hence why I was looking in the wrong section. I've been looking in Magic this entire time when I should have been looking in Magecraft – that time period's term for real miracles."

"So we can bring Saber back?" I asked, feeling my excitement start bubbling toward the surface like a bottle of champagne at New Year's.

"It is _extremely_ difficult, Shirou," Tohsaka said and took the book she previously showed me in her hands. She opened it where she placed the bookmark and skimmed it a few pages behind it. She traced the words with her index finger as she spoke. "There are so many things that we need and don't have, not to mention how complicated it is to do and how many things could go wrong if we have even the tiniest bit amiss." Tohsaka looked at me and her eyes revealed a mixture of apology and annoyance under her furrowed brows.

"Tell me exactly how we have to do it," I told her and she nodded.

She traced the page with her index finger again and then stopped. "This is really old magic. I'm glad Jeweled Thaumaturgy goes back that far though," she mused under her breath. "Okay," her tone was at normal volume now, "we need three jewels that I haven't even heard of that we will have to identify according to Saber's personality, a sample of her DNA, her most prized possession anywhere in the summoning circle, _and_ I have to read an extremely long spell for each of the five steps of the summoning ritual in an ancient language that I've never heard of."

I nodded, thoughtful. I decided to take one problem at a time. "What are these jewels for?"

Tohsaka sighed and narrowed her eyes at the book. "Another problem. There are two types, elemental and natural. The elemental jewels symbolize the very core of her being – good or evil, Light or Darkness. The natural jewels are according to her personality. There are four, Fire, Water, Earth and Air." She gave me a meaningful look and raised an eyebrow. "Surely you know what each element means, right?"

I shifted uncomfortably on my place. I didn't like it that she constantly pointed out my lack of knowledge and education as a magus. Tohsaka sighed again, this time annoyed. "Why did I expect a novice like you to know?" She put the book under her arm placed her hand on her hip, the posture that meant the beginning of a lecture. "Fire is for somebody very strong-willed and determined–"

"That's a good one!" I said, but after the look Tohsaka gave me for interrupting her, I remained quiet.

"As I was saying. Water symbolizes peacefulness and tranquility. Air is very cunning and evasive; it shifts constantly, like the wind itself. Earth is more for somebody who is very hard to sway, hard-headed, unchangeable. Like the earth," she paused. "You are supposed to choose two of these that you think match the _best_ with Saber's personality."

I sighed deeply and drew out a chair to sit down. As if just realizing she's been standing the whole time, Tohsaka followed my action. I rubbed my forehead and pondered. All of them reminded me in some way of Saber. I remember her attitude anytime there was the discussion of a fight or flight situation. Between the two she would always choose to fight. She has always been strong and determined and I always loved that about her. I remember her that day after our first fight in the storage supply room, sitting in the corner, looking completely in control and aware of her surrounding and lost and thought and peaceful at the same time. Or when she told me about Kiritsugu and Avalon. I remember her during our encounters with a Servant that she was exactly as Tohsaka described the Wind: cunning, evasive; it wasn't very often that a Servant got a scratch on her at all. As for her being hard-headed, I was very aware of that. It wasn't very often that I could change her mind about anything at all. It took me the longest time to convince her to let me fight.

I looked over at Tohsaka and saw that she was watching me intently. "What do you think?"

She pursed her lips in disapproval. "Shirou, if you don't even know which two of these correspond the best with Saber's personality, then why are we even here? Why are we trying to bring back somebody you don't know?"

"It's not that I don't know her!" I wanted to shout, but I forced my tone to be more even. "It's just hard. All four seem good for her."

Her expression softened slightly. "Think back, Shirou. Which of those two do you think work best for her?"

"I would think that Water and Earth do, but I'm not sure."

"You have to be sure. Think about it. You have time, we won't start today. We _couldn't_ start today even if you _were_ sure," she reasoned.

"Because of the jewels?"

Tohsaka threw her hair over her shoulder and placed her hand on her hip again – this time in a sign of annoyance. "The jewels are quite a big problem themselves. For one thing, this ritual is possibly thousands of years old. These jewels might not even exist today. We need to look more into that." She took the book again, her icy blue eyes moving from one line to the other for some specific information. While she was looking, I saw the title of the book. _Beginnings and Endings._

When Tohsaka found it, she moved to my side and held the book so that we both could read from it. She pointed at a specific line she wanted me to look at. "See here? It says there are specific places where we can do the summoning, because of they are four magically powerful places in Fuyuki. I doubt these locations have changed since them. But we already know that." Her finger loved down the page before she turned it. "There is also a specific _time_ we have to do the summoning, and that is at new moon."

I frowned, looked away from the book and at Tohsaka's concentrating face. "Why the new moon?"

"Because the new moon is symbolic of new beginnings and rebirth. It's appropriate for our ritual," she explained automatically. "Plus, despite what we are used to hearing, the new moon is more magically powerful that the full moon."

I looked back at the book, but I wasn't reading the script. I was thinking of how much I found out in just a matter of minutes. We can bring Saber back. I was right all along. A smile crept up on my face, becoming wider and wider as the seconds ticked by, but I tried not to look gloating. Tohsaka saw the smile from the corner of her eye, but for once didn't scold me for it and even shared it ever so slightly. She kept on reading and I let my mind wander. About the jewels that we were suppose to find. About the ritual itself. About the chances of getting it wrong and how glorious it would be if we would succeed. Saber would come back.

"Shirou," Tohsaka's sharp tone woke me from my reverie. I looked at her and saw that she was scowling at me in disapproval. "Don't just sit there and look pretty, help me look for those jewels."

"Sorry," I muttered. "So I'm supposed to look for Jewel Thaumaturgy, right?" I asked to make sure.

She nodded absentmindedly, already back to her book. "I would look in old Magecraft books for it first. If we won't find it there….well, we'll worry about that later."

I didn't bother her anymore and got up to look at the many books there were. The search got a lot harder now that we've narrowed it down. These books, as old as they were, didn't have a summary of any sort at the back or in the inside flap. Most of them didn't even _have_ an inside flap, or even a cover. In my frustration, I decided to start from the very beginning and look in the table of contents of every book, if the book in question even _had_ a table of contents. Then, right in the middle of reading a sentence about magic rituals, a thought struck me, and I was surprised I haven't asked this earlier.

"Hey, Tohsaka," I called, wanting to get her attention first before I launched into my question. She made a small, distracted sound that indicated she was at least half-listening. "If these books are so old, how come we can read them?" I waited for a response, but she remained silent, which meant she was either thinking about how to answer my question in simple terms, didn't quite understand my question, or simply didn't know the answer. "I mean," I continued, "I know Japanese is a really old language. But I doubt it was the same few thousand years ago as it is now."

Silence befell between us until I was forced to admit Tohsaka didn't know, even though she certainly made it seem sometimes that she knew everything. I opened the book I was skimming and continued my search. After a long time, Tohsaka spoke. "I assume it has been translated repeatedly by the elders, as the language shifted."

I frowned and closed the book again, but kept my index finger in between the pages so that I wouldn't lose my place. "But the book you showed me was really old. Has the language not changed since then?" I rested my head back against the shelves, and my eyes fixed on a random book whose title I could not make out.

I heard Tohsaka make a thoughtful sound before she answered. "The language in the book was a little awkward, but it was still understandable. I suppose there haven't been any major changes. That and, nobody took the task to translate it into a more modern style." I remember skimming the line that Tohsaka was pointing in one of the books. I was listening to intently at her words and didn't notice the language.

I nodded and continued to look at the book I was staring at earlier. The cover was completely black, but the script on the binding was a golden color. It looked in a remarkable good condition as opposed to how many books in this part of the library looked ancient.

After quite some time, I sighed in frustration, feeling both happy and overwhelmed by all the information that Tohsaka told me and, at the same time, frustrated and annoyed at how slow the process might be going from now on. There have been a few times when I had to ask myself if I actually did look at the previous book or not because I couldn't recall doing so. I was letting my impatience get the best of me and I wasn't paying attention. I cursed under my breath and started again.

I continued going look at book after book, determined to at least go through all the books Tohsaka had if I had to. At one point though, I came across a thick one called _Darkness Descends_. Its table of contents were very fitting for its title. Resurrection of Corpses. Summoning dark spirits of the dead. Conjuring dark powers or the darkness element itself.

My first instinct was to put the book aside and take out another one, but some inexplicable force stopped me. My thoughts suddenly wandered to Sakura. I didn't know what time it was, but I was pretty sure it was past the time she went back home. I wasn't sure it was close to Ilya's bedtime yet. My mental process brushed over Ilya and returned to Sakura, remembering her face as she looked sadly at me when I left. I remembered everything that Tohsaka told me about her, everything I didn't know. She almost didn't seem the same Sakura, and yet, she was. I wondered why she had never told me about everything she went through. Was she embarrassed? Ashamed? Was she just being modest about not talking about herself?

"What happened to Zouken?" I asked suddenly, surprised at myself. I hadn't consciously made the question, but my lips formed it anyway. Then, at the mention of his name, my feelings and emotions shifted to something much darker, and rather uncharacteristic of me. The thoughts of Sakura momentarily made me forget about the recent discoveries in bringing Saber back.

"As far as I know, he's gone," Tohsaka answered automatically.

I considered her words, then I set _Darkness Descends_ back down and I got to my feet, walking down the aisle until I was out in the open and could see her. "How do you know?" I watched her face carefully, and saw the hesitation there, it was brief, then she sighed, sounded defeated.

"Once, not long after the 5th Holy Grail War ended, I went to her house." Her eyes were downcast, and I took the opportunity of her small silence to sit down across from her. "I'm still not entirely sure what brought me there, but instead of knocking on the door, I looked through a window and watched her. I long realized my bond with her and the promise I made Kariya could not convince me to go after her. My shame and guilt that I hadn't already done it always overpowered my better judgment. I suppose I thought that if those couldn't make me do it, the anger I would feel if I saw him, especially if I saw him with her," she frowned, "would win out and I would burst in that house and take her with me." Tohsaka pursed her lips into a tight line, but I didn't want to prompt her to continue.

"I don't know for how long I watched her, but I never saw him. I followed her when she would move from one room to the other, and I was sure he would show his face. But he didn't. Kariya told me Zouken loved to torture her at every given opportunity. Not only that, but she seemed more at peace that I had seen her in a long time. That, more than anything, convinced me that Zouken was gone." Tohsaka sighed. "Seeing her so at peace also made me forget my original plan and I left."

Silence fell, think and heavy. I didn't voice my irritation at her for not taking Sakura back as she said she would. At peace or not, surely she didn't like living in that house. There would be too many memories every step she went. Even if her tormentor would be gone, still living where it all happened couldn't possibly make her happy. She had to be freed from that house. "Is he dead?" I asked at last.

"I don't know," she answered honestly. I was unsure of what to say to that. Surprising me, she continued. "I have long planned to heal her," Tohsaka said quietly, sounding almost as if she was talking to herself. "I have read the little I could find about it and thought that maybe there might be a spell that could free her from the Worms or that perhaps killing Zouken will do the trick."

"Did you abandon that plan too?" I asked, surprising myself with the harsh words.

Tohsaka looked at me, but there was no anger in her eyes, just the same defeat I saw before. "No, I didn't. But I don't see how I could do it either."

"I think reconciliation with her is the first step." She opened her mouth to protest, but I held up my hand to silence her. The war Tohsaka was fighting with herself has gone on for too long. "Look at it this way. If there is a spell to free her, you would have to talk to her about it first. It's not like you're going to tie her down and perform the ritual." She opened her mouth again, but I continued, not giving her time to speak. "And if you talk to her, that would be the perfect time to let out all that built in guilt. Not to mention that Sakura will know that you have continued to love her and think about her all this time if you want to heal her. Also, you don't even know where Zouken is or even if killing him would free her at all. Wouldn't it just be _easier_ to talk to her and patch things up?" I raised my eyebrows at her, hoping she would see the perfect logic of my reasoning. It made perfect sense. And mentally I added that once Tohsaka and Sakura had a better relationship, I could concentrate more on our research.

Tohsaka looked torn and bit her lip, a habit I've only seen her display when she was incredibly nervous. I let silence settle for my words to sink in. I was sure that once she would think about it, she would see reason and agree with me. I dearly hoped I was right, because Tohsaka always had the tendency to surprise me.

"I don't know, Shirou," she continued biting her lip, but I could see it in her eyes that she knew it was the best possible solution.

I tried not to let my irritation show. I knew I had to be diplomatic and talk reasonably to her otherwise I would lose the little progress that I had made today. "What have you got to lose?"

"I couldn't bear to have her think any less of my than she already is," she answered, looking away.

Now she was being plain ridiculous. "How can she think less of you if you're going to apologize and tell her you love her and that you're going to heal her? Take her pain away?" She seemed torn. She bit her lip anxiously and stared at a random spot on the floor. "Tohsaka," I said, pleading, and she finally looked at me, "do you want to repair your relationship with Sakura or not?"

"Of course I do, Shirou."

"Then let's give it a try. Have some faith." I smiled at her encouragingly. Tohsaka stared at me with her piercing eyes for the longest time. I was about to look away or do something, when she sighed and returned my smile the tiniest bit, though it still looked sad and worn.

"All right." I exhaled sharply, not even realizing that I'd been holding my breath while she was thinking. I grinned widely, feeling happy that she will at least give it a try. She seemed to be breathing a little easier now too and she stopped biting her lip. She switched to a lighter topic. "Speaking of Sakura, how is she doing? You see her a lot more often that I do," she gave me a tired smile, marred by the heavy subject we had talked about.

I was just about to say good, due to my own good mood, but then I just remembered that she wasn't so good right now. I sighed. "She's upset with me right now."

Tohsaka's widened her eyes as if the notion of Sakura getting upset at me was ludicrous, though I had to admit that I didn't see her upset almost at all. "What did you do?"

"I left during dinner to come here."

Tohsaka's eyes, if possible, got even wider. "Shirou, you didn't." Did I sound like I was joking?

"I told her I would make it up to her before I left." Even though I said that, I still felt guilty.

"But Shirou, you left during dinner – dinner that _she_ made – to come see _me_." When I didn't say anything, she sighed, sounding exasperated and tired.

"I said I was sorry," I frowned, wondering why she was making such a big deal out of it. If anybody should be upset, it was Sakura. I apologized to her and promised I'd make it up to her. "I'll do something special for her tomorrow and apologize again." I had already planned on doing that, but Tohsaka's outburst made me feel uneasy somehow.

"Tomorrow?" She seemed momentarily confused.

I looked at the clock on the wall to make sure my estimate was correct. "Yeah. She probably went home a while ago."

Tohsaka was shaking her head. "Sakura's probably still at your house, waiting for you."

"How do you—" I was going to ask her, but suddenly I felt so tired, I decided against it. "I should probably go then." I finally said. I closed the book I had I front of me, returned it to its shelf and got ready to leave. I was about to say goodbye to Tohsaka when I noticed she was waiting for me by the stairwell.

"I'm coming with you," she said. "If I am going to talk to Sakura, I might as well do it tonight. I've put it off long enough."

* * *

**A/N: Well, I'm back! I'm still not sure if I am back permanently (meaning, I will go back to working full-time on this story), but I don't want to get anybody's hopes up. School is eating up a lot of time and I haven't been able to write as much as I normally would. I haven't written much at all lately. But today I had several hours on my hands and miracle upon miracles, I finished this chapter. **

**I could not apologize enough for my absence, but it couldn't be helped. All I can say is that I hope youdidn't forget about me or this story, I hope you'll like this chapter and I hope you will review.**

**Also, I just realized that I haven't done the recap in a while...oh well. I'll add it in later. Until then, enjoy the new chapter!**


	13. Avalanche

**Chapter 12**

**- Fragile -**

In the living room at Tohsaka's house, there was a grand looking grandfather's clock. It was placed against the wall, right by the fireplace. It was made out of the same sturdy, cherry wood that seemed to dominate the rest of the house. The pendulum and the rim of the clock was a glittering gold color. Somehow, I drew the conclusion that it was real gold. The clock indicated that it 10:48 pm. I didn't even realize it was so late. The streets would be deserted, no doubt.

Sakura rarely stayed until 9 in the evening. I usually told her to go long before that, but she always offered to help around the house. Sometimes I wished she wouldn't. It was too easy to have Sakura around, too easy for me to keep her at my house and have her help me. It was just too easy to be selfish with Sakura, because she always selflessly offered.

I got lost in thought as Tohsaka and I we walking back to my house. Our pace was brisk, we didn't want to dwell on the streets at night. I wondered if Tohsaka was right and Sakura was still at my house. It didn't really make any sense to me why she would. She almost never was at my house by herself, but she always offered to stay if there were still people around. Maybe she stayed to make sure Ilya returned home safely. That seemed like a reasonable explanation. I would want somebody to stay and make sure Ilya got home, but in my hurry I forgot to ask somebody to do that. But surely Ilya got home long ago? She didn't dwell on the streets at night either, she knew it was dangerous. Then Sakura would have no reason to be there when we got back. Of that, I was sure.

"What if she's not there?" I asked Tohsaka. "Are you going to stay the night or something?"

She shook her head. "If she's not there," she put the emphasis as if she wasn't even considering that option, "then I'll just go back home."

"I'll walk you back home," I said automatically. She shot me a look, but didn't argue with me. I was ready to tell her about the time when I ran into some thugs one night from work to persuade her, but I was glad that wasn't necessary.

As we approached my house, we noticed that the light was still on. That struck me as odd, but for the first time I considered Sakura still being home. Then I realized the reason why she would have stayed: she wanted to make sure I returned safely too. That brought a smile to my lips. I should've known Sakura would do that. My smile didn't last long due to a yawn. Until I did, I didn't even realize how tired I was. The emotional roller coaster I went through today must have had something to do with that.

I sighed, and tried to slide the door open. It was unlocked. Now I was sure, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Sakura was still here. She would have never been careless enough to leave the door unlocked. I was both touched and a little frustrated. She didn't have to wait for me.

Just as I entered through the door, I caught Sakura in mid-step as she was walking back to the kitchen. The scent of egg rolls filled the air, and I briefly wondered how come the scent lingered when dinner was over a few hours ago. That thought instantly vanished as Sakura greeted me with a brilliant smile. Her face radiated with happiness.

"Sempai, you're back…" She trailed off at the last syllable, as her expression suddenly fell. I looked beside me and saw that Tohsaka revealed herself. She appeared to be rather uncomfortable, unnerved, which was very uncharacteristic of her. She was also looking anywhere but at Sakura.

"Tohsaka-sempai," Sakura stammered, looking rather overwhelmed herself. Her usual warm, lavender eyes reflected mixed emotions, from confusion and embarrassment to hurt. They darted from me to Tohsaka, as if waiting for one of us to offer some sort of explanation. From the corner of my eye I saw that Tohsaka wasn't giving any indication that she will start the conversation. Despite the fact that she looked determined when we left, being face-to-face with Sakura alone seemed to be hard for her.

I cleared my throat, suddenly feeling awkward in the thick silence that settled between us. Sakura's eyes rested on me, waiting. They seemed to plead some unknown request. "Sakura," I started cautiously, not entirely sure how to breach the subject. "Tohsaka wanted to talk to you."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her flinch. Then, finally, her eyes rose to meet her sister's. "Hello, Sakura," she said formally, appearing to have regretted coming here. She swallowed loudly. "I've been meaning to talk to you for…a long time." She paused again, but took a small step forward. I took that as a good sign and took a small step back myself. I wanted to be in the background, but still be here if Tohsaka needed support.

* * *

**~ Avalanche ~**

I looked at Sakura, feeling at a complete and utter loss for words. I have pictured this scene many times along the years, sometimes even imagining what I would say to her, what her reaction would be. My words were usually humble and apologetic, but still determined and caring. I would have come to save her. I would have been glad to have her back in my life, as my sister, and to tarnish the Matou name and all its filth. As the years passed, my choice of words changed, as did how I said them to her. In my mind, I pictured myself being more and more saddened. Once, I even saw myself crying on my knees in front of her, beginning for her to forgive me, as if I was the one that needed to be saved.

I didn't dwell much on her reaction, since usually it hurt too much to see it, even my mind. I expected her to reject me and my offer to come back, as well as my offer to save her from a fate that would most likely destroy her. Why wouldn't she? If I was in her stead, I would. I would yell and throw accusations. I would lash out and reject. I would tear and destroy. She had every right to do that.

I continued to go through these scenarios until I almost abandoned the thought completely. I never truly gave up on Sakura. It was a constant thought in my mind, always present, always looking for an opportunity to go to her. I'd told Shirou that I've been to her house once. That wasn't entirely true. I've been to her house many times, or at least within a close radius to it, but that was the first time I actually went to see Sakura. Until then, my heart usually brought me to the Matou household, but my mind always took me back home. No. I never gave up on Sakura.

I gave up on myself.

All the things that I pictured myself saying were gone. All the things that I wanted to do, I never did. Now, looking at Sakura, my dear sister, I realized just how much of a fool I have been.

I studied her features, particularly her eyes, trying to figure out what they hid in their lavender depths. The most obvious thing I could see was fear. And, underneath that, hurt. Of course. I came here with Shirou. That was an impulse decision on my part, one that I realized hadn't been so wise. I should've came to talk to her another day, when she was by herself. But it was too late now.

What should I say? Will she forgave me? What if she wouldn't? Will she ask me why I waited so long? What if she will reject me? Will she call me a fool too? Was I a fool? I wasn't saying anything. What if, what if, what if.

"Sakura," I started again, mainly so I could break the silence that was pressing against me, demanding I say something, anything. "I am…" I searched for the words to describe what exactly I was. A coward? Stupid? Selfish? "So sorry." I exhaled loudly, suddenly feeling lighter now that the words got out. Her eyes widened.

"I am so sorry, Sakura," I repeated, watching her reaction. The air around us seemed to have stilled. It was no longer pressing against me, but it hovered near, waiting to see if I was going to go further. I took a step toward her. She didn't more away, but she didn't try to approach me either. How can I say this? How can I put so many years of absence into a few sentences?

"I'm sorry that I waited so long. I promised Uncle Kariya that I would come for you and I never did." The words pained me to say them. I saw Sakura's eyes flicker behind me toward Shirou, and she started to look panicked. I realized I couldn't do this with Shirou here. He isn't supposed to know anything about this. I might not be able to reach her if Shirou was present.

"Shirou," my voice turned sharp without intending it to. I didn't want anything to jeopardize my chances with Sakura. I didn't look at him as I said, "give us some privacy, please."

I heard a shuffle behind me. "Sure thing, Tohsaka," he said, but sounded uneasy, as if my request took him by surprise. I heard the door slide open and then close back again. Watching Sakura, I saw that she looked a little more at ease now, but still guarded, cautious.

"Uncle Kariya talked with you?" she said, and I felt relieved she finally spoke.

"Yes," I answered, breaking our eye contact. "He told me everything." There was no point in lying, as much as she would hate anybody knowing. However, me knowing isn't nearly as bad as Shirou knowng. If I can help it, I will keep that part a secret. "Especially what Zouken did to you and what you went through the entire time." I saw her intake a sharp breath at the mention of his name. Uncle Kariya only gave me a very brief description to make me aware of what was going on. I couldn't possibly imagine how it was for her, day after day to live with him, if the mere mention of his name instilled a reaction.

I wanted to tell her how many times I've wanted to come after her, but I didn't think that would go so well, telling her that she's had so many chances at freedom and I turned them all down. There were too many things I wanted to say, and at the same time, I seemed to be at a loss of words.

"I've missed you," I finally said.

"Tohsaka-sempai." I felt relieved that she was talking to me and I tried not to be disappointed that she still kept the formalities. I had to constantly remind myself that Sakura needed time. I needed to be gentle with her. If I pushed her too hard, there might not be any hope for us. There was still the risk of that. "If you've missed me, why haven't you at least told me earlier?" Her eyebrows scrunched up in tight lines, revealing to me how upset she was.

She was right, of course. Every time I saw her and talked with her I pretended as if everything was all right, as if everything was as it should be. Should I admit my weakness? The fact that it was my pride, and the thought of it wounded, that kept me from going to her? As I thought of the possible consequences, time was ticking. Sakura was waiting for an answer. If I remained silent too long, she might get the impression that I was not going to answer her question at all, or that I was looking for an excuse to give her.

Before I had time to utter a word though, the door slid open violently. Sakura and I looked at out intruder and saw that Shirou was standing in front of it, looking uncharacteristically angry. My eyes widened automatically in surprise, and I was about to ask him what was the matter when—

"She wanted to!" he said, his voice loud in my years, contrasting heavily with our previous hushed tones.

His words snapped me back into motion, as I suddenly feared what he might do. "Shirou?" I asked him, my voice turning sharp.

He didn't even look at me, his eyes were on Sakura. There was such intensity there, he seemed to full of life, in an odd way it reminded me of when Saber was here.

"Sakura, Tohsaka had wanted to come for you, but she was too afraid to, afraid of what you might think."

"Shirou!" My panic and fear increased the volume of my tone considerably. What was he doing? "What do you think you're doing?"

"I'm telling her what you're too afraid to!" He shot back at me. I flinched at his words, hearing for the first time such forcefulness directed at me.

The forcefulness surprised me for a mere second. The next moment, I was lashing back at him. "You'll ruin everything!"

"Senpai?" Sakura's quiet voice, seemed somehow louder than ours. Her lavender eyes suddenly seemed afraid as they were darting between me and Shirou. I knew I must right the wrong that he caused.

"Sakura, he's just upset—" I told her hastily.

"This is why I knew we should've talked to her together." Shirou's words were followed by a long, ear-splitting silence. He hasn't said anything technically, but he might as well have. The meaning behind his words was crystal clear. I could not believe it. Not once, since I have told him our story – mine and Sakura's – have I even considered the possibility that he would betray that trust. Shirou just wasn't the type to do that. It seemed like I underestimated him. Or overestimated him, depending on the perspective. I was too shocked to move, and it seemed Sakura was too.

Finally, one of us found our voice. It was Sakura. "How much do you know?" she asked him in the quietest, most helpless voice.

Shirou didn't lie. "Everything."

Once the word came out of his mouth I finally regained control of my body. And no sooner than I had made the decision, my slap was echoing throughout of the room. I tried not to let my tears fall, but one of them escaped against my will. I wiped it off furiously with my other hand and stormed off. I didn't stay any longer to talk to Sakura. As far as I was concerned, everything was lost the moment he said "everything."

* * *

**- Everybody's Fool -**

As I heard the door slam, I tried not to flinch. I knew I shouldn't have given us away, but I thought it had been the best decision, especially when I heard how the two of them were talking. I didn't look at Tohsaka's retreating figure, I would just have to apologize later. My cheek stung from her slap, but I ignored it. When I turned my eyes back on Sakura, that was the first time when I considered the fact that telling her wasn't the best decision. She looked afraid, and mortified and angry, though I didn't know if the anger was directed at me.

I saw a tear fall, much like with Tohsaka, as well as a strangled sob. Mirroring her sister's actions, she wiped it away with her hand and walked by me and out of the door. She slammed it as well, but hers sounded more resigned than angry. I was left in the middle of the room, by myself, wondering where I had gone wrong.

I replayed the day's events in my head, no sure for how long I had been standing when I heard a quiet yawn. I glanced toward the hall and saw a tired Ilya rubbing at her eyes.

"Onii-chan? What's going on?" she yawned, and my eyes darted toward the clock before it rested back on her. It was past midnight. "I heard yelling."

I patted her head absentmindedly. "We just had a…misunderstanding. You should go back to sleep, Ilya. It's late." I gave her a gentle push back toward the hall and she obliged without asking any more questions.

As I watched her retreating figure, I suddenly realized that I had been planning on walking both of them back home. I cursed under my breath, suddenly realizing how incredibly exhausted I was. With one last glance toward the screen door, I made the decision to go to bed and think of a way fix the consequences of what I did in the morning.

—

The next morning when I woke up, the weather outside seemed to reflect my inner feelings. It was dark and gloomy, and it appeared that it will rain later in the day. Though I was awake, I stayed in bed, looking intently at the ceiling as if it held the answers to all my problems.

How had everything fallen apart? Yesterday things seemed to be finally looking up. Tohsaka found key information on how to bring Saber back. She finally agreed to talk to Sakura and patch up their relationship. Looking back now, I wonder how I could have been so stupid, and so reckless. How could I have disregarded Tohsaka's wishes? And Sakura's too. I could see it in her eyes that she had never wanted me to know about it all. Now I had revealed myself and Tohsaka, at the most crucial time.

I take my arms out from under the thin cover and rub my eyes, suddenly feeling tired despite the fact that I got a full night's sleep. I saw now what I was too blind to see last night. I had ruined everything.

I got up and stretched, but my mind wandered, making my movements seem rather mechanical. I brushed my teeth, washed my face, and ran a damp hand through my hair in a poor attempt at taming it. Then I made my bed, going through the motions like on any other morning, while my mind was far away. Vaguely, I realized it was Saturday, which meant that Fuji-nee and Sakura was coming for lunch. Then, as if someone punched me in the stomach, I realized that Sakura probably woudln't be coming. She had never missed a meal if she could help it, but I was sure that she wouldn't come today. She was extremely upset last night.

I sighed, and made my way toward the kitchen to prepare lunch. Startled, I came to a stop at the entrance as I saw the eggrolls on the stove. Sakura must have prepared some extra for me while I was gone. I remember smelling them, but I was too upset and too tired to see where it was coming from. I picked one up and looked at it sadly, taking a small bite to see if they were still good. I decided that they were and put them back in the oven. While the eggrolls reheated, my body moved effortlessly around the kitchen, and I unconsciously went for something simple that didn't require much effort, even though my mind hadn't actually decided on the meal. I tried to be preoccupied with lunch to make sure I wouldn't mix up two ingredients that I wasn't supposed to, or add an incorrect spice, my mind kept drifting off. By the third time, I stood defeated as it once again wandered toward Sakura.

I wondered how I could possibly undo the wrongs that I've done. Now I had two people who shunned me. How was I going to explain to Fuji-nee and Ilya why Sakura wasn't there?

Ilya was the first who came to the kitchen and silently started setting the table. She didn't ask me any more questions about last night nor did she comment about it in any way. In a way she seemed to have sensed that I needed space to organize my thoughts. I stole a quick glance at her and noticed that she looked sad, though I didn't understand why. Maybe she heard more of last night's conversation than I thought.

Fuji-nee came not long after, ready to eat as always.

"Where's Sakura?" she asked, as soon as she entered through the door.

"She called me and said she had a last-minute Archery Club meeting," I said, trying not to show the despair I felt. I was right. She didn't come. What have I done?

Fuji-nee took that as a perfectly reasonable explanation and then we ate in silence. It wasn't the same without Sakura's presence, and I'm sure everybody felt it. I realized I had been lying a lot to Fuji-nee lately, first the reason I went to Tohsaka's so often and now with Sakura's absence.

Lunch passed excruciatingly slow, but when it was over, I couldn't remember anything about it. Fuji-nee stayed to clean up, and even offered to wash the dishes, which was a rarity. I wished she hadn't. Now I didn't have anything to preoccupy myself with as my mind wallowed in guilt.

"Shirou," Fuji-nee called as I was wiping the table. I was doing it meticulously, while my mind was trying to come up with something I could do while she and Ilya were still around. "Don't you usually go to Tohsaka's after lunch?"

My mind slowed to a halt then started spinning again. She was right, I usually went to Tohsaka's house to research after lunch. I was, however, positive that I shouldn't go there today. Her slap flashed before my eyes. In the one second I had to reply, I couldn't think of a good excuse not to go through and I didn't want to push my luck with more lies. So instead, I just nodded and said, "Yeah, I was going to go after I finished."

I did as I said, and once the table was cleaned, I waved goodbye to the two of them and left the house. I started work at four, so I had around three hours to myself, something I dearly wish I didn't have. Time with myself meant more time to think and the last thing I wanted to do is continue wallowing in my guilt. I took a route that was more out of the way, to avoid any chances of meeting Fuji-nee on her way back home. Ilya sometimes went for walks around town, and I prayed I wouldn't meet her sometime along the way. Though, Fuyuki wasn't necessarily big, it was large enough that seeing her wasn't very likely.

Once I decided on a route, I let my mind wander. Surprisingly, it didn't turn back to Sakura and Tohsaka. It drifted toward Saber instead. As it did, I realized my thoughts hadn't been as constant with her as usual. Was it because of the growing excitement of our discoveries? Or was it because other things that got implicated? Such as Sakura.

I sighed, and shoved my hands deeper into my pockets. Would Saber disapprove of what I had done last night? I wondered, for the thousandth time, if she could see me now. Would she shake her head at me? Would she urge me to go right now to Tohsaka and ask for her forgiveness? Would she just give me her firm, resolute gaze and tell me it was for the best?

_I wish you were here_.

I wish I could perform the ritual by myself and bring Saber back right now. For a fleeting thought I wish I never would have asked Tohsaka for help, but I banish the thought almost instantly. If it wasn't for Tohsaka, I wouldn't know what I do now about how to bring Saber back. Without her help, I might never have found the answer, and would've—could I have possibly? Could I have given up on it? I thought long and hard about that question, but in the end I relented. If there were no leads at all, if, as far as I could tell, there was no way to bring Saber back, I would have eventually had to give up on the idea entirely. Just the thought of giving up on my plan, giving up on Saber, made me double over with a pain in my chest.

No. I should be thankful for Tohsaka's help. Last night's events are entirely my fault and my responsibility. There's no use in finding fault in something or someone else.

Once I considered enough time has passed and Fuji-nee should have arrived home already, I let my feet take me toward the place that I always held very close to my heart. The bridge. Even though we've had a terrible fight at the bridge, and I still hear echoes of that fight whenever I'm there, I find that it feels like it brings me closer to her, just by being there.

I leaned against the rail and for a moment I let my mind go blank and just study the picture before me. Water extended all the way to the line of the horizon as if it was an endless mass. The shore was mostly empty, save for the occasional family that went out to walk their dog or a couple holding hands. I had to look away. The sun was peeking from behind the clouds tentatively, but it held the promise of summer heat. It was still cloudy, but at least whatever storm seemed to come this morning passed. Flashes of reflected sunrays on the water made it seem as if somebody spilled glitter on the surface. The waster was mostly a calm blue, save for those shimmering spots. They reminded me of Saber's golden hair and the way the strands caught the breeze in an elegant dance.

Everything about her was elegant. The curve of her mouth when she would smile. Her posture when she was preparing herself for an attack. Her fingers as she traced the whiskers of the stuffed lion that I got her on our date. Whether she was adorned in her armor, or was dressed in the simple clothes that Tohsaka gave her, whether she was awake, or sleeping, or sitting down, or eating, or breathing, she was the very incorporation of elegance. I had a brief flash of our forbidden kiss and I was struck once again by a deep desire to just hold her in my arms.

I wrapped my arms around myself unconsciously, and I pretended to shiver to cover up for it, even though there was nobody around. I sighed and leaned my head back, and just enjoying the feel of the sun on my face. That reminded me of Saber as well, somehow.

I didn't know for how long I stayed like that, but when the nearby clock struck at the hour two, it startled me out of my reverie. Feeling a little reluctant to do so, I left the place so filled with her memories, and started walking around town, though with no particular purpose. I knew Fuyuki inside and out, so I let my feet take me wherever they may. Once it was close to my time to go to work, I redirected myself toward The Copenhagen Bar.

When I got there, Neko-san seemed startled to see me there. I looked at the clock that they had up and I saw it was almost four o'clock, so I was on time.

"Emi-yan, what are you doing here?"

My confusion was obvious in my tone, and I unintentionally phrased it as a question. "I'm here for work?" I really didn't know what she meant. Did she tell me the week before she wanted me to deliver something here? It happened before that circumstances were such that I had to drive to a particular location myself, load the cargo in the van the company owned, and bring the cargo here and unload. Even though I don't have a car, I've learned to drive, but that skill wasn't used very often. I raked my mind to see if I was forgetting something, but I couldn't recall.

Neko-san shook her head. "You took off for today. You mentioned doing something with Sakura, I think?"

I shook my head, but as she said it, I remembered. I was planning on a day to the amusement park with Sakura and Ilya last week, but due to the thunderstorms, we had to postpone it for this week. I completely forgot about that. And I promised Ilya we would go. Of course, since Sakura didn't come for lunch, I doubted she wanted to go to the amusement park. I also promised her an entire day, and now, even if I would rush home and apologize, we wouldn't get as much time as we wanted. Then I remembered how sad she looked this morning, and now I realized why.

I sighed and rubbed my forehead tiredly. "Well, since I'm here, I can work today and get off for next week."

Neko-san was silent for a while, her chocolate brown eyes studying me. Surprising me, she shook her head, "I think it would be better for you to go home and rest. You look like you have a lot on your shoulders right now."

"But that would mean I would miss three weeks in a row if I get next week off too," I protested.

Neko-san shrugged, as if it wasn't a big deal. "You work hard enough during the week as it is, Emi-yan. You work harder than any other employee we have. It's about time they pick up some slack." She smiled kindly at me and winked. "Just go home and rest," she said and gave me a gentle pat on the shoulder.

I sighed, knowing I couldn't argue with her. I thanked her for her kindness and headed home, dreading to see the sad look on Ilya's face when I will tell her that I simply forgot.

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**A/N: This chapter was really hard to write and it didn't really help that I hardly had any time to myself. Thank goodness summer's coming.**

**Anyway, I hope you guys will like the new chapter. It slipped my mind in the previous chapter, but I really do appreciate all you guys' support. You have my deepest gratitude, whether you wrote a review, favorited, or simply read my story. This stody just needs to be read, and I'm glad you are.**

**If there are any grammatical errors of any kind, don't hesitate to tell me. Also, I would appreciate it if you guys would tell me what you think so far. Input is always nice, but no pressure. :)**

**Enjoy the chapter!**


	14. Darkness Before Dawn

**A/N: I'm going to stop making excuses for my absences and I'm just going to post whenever I can. Sounds good? Good. :)  
**

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**Chapter 13**

**- Darkness Before Dawn -**

As I walked back home from The Copenhagen Bar, I went over my predicament once again. I betrayed Tohsaka's trust, Sakura was avoiding me, and now I somehow managed to upset Ilya too. I didn't know how I could have forgotten about our day at the amusement park. I was really looking forward to it. Even though there was nothing that made me happier than finding out more information about bringing Saber back, I wanted a small break from the constant emotional roller coaster I seemed to be riding lately: frustration and disappointment due to searching and searching and searching and not finding anything for so long––a growing desperation as the end of the year approaches––knowing that once school is over I will have to come up with more lies to cover up for what I am actually doing––elation at finding even the smallest detail to Saber's revival––longing to hold her again, not to mention the many other emotions that are mixed together.

I felt like I have been pushed and pulled, stretched and molded, turned around every direction possible and have finally come to a stop. I, however, felt none of the exhilaration that one has after a normal roller coaster ride. I felt dazed, somewhat relieved, and apprehensive for when the ride will start again, because I know this won't be over until Saber will be here with me.

Before that, I will have to fix the mess I've created. I know that talking to Tohsaka was completely out of the question. I doubted she would even open the door to see me, let alone hear me out. She might open the door to slap me again, but if I could help it, I would avoid that. And how would I possibly explain myself? I could say I was sorry, but that was all I could do. I had absolutely no justification for what I did. And I knew Tohsaka wouldn't accept a simple sorry. I would have to give her more than that, and at that moment, I had no idea what.

I realized that Sakura was my only chance. As upset as she was, I had a better shot at talking to her than I did with Tohsaka. I had no idea how well that would go, but at least she wouldn't slam the door in my face, and that was a good start.

Then I stopped in my tracks. Should I go home and apologize to Ilya or go to Sakura's house instead and talk to her? I looked around, trying to find some way to figure out what time it was. The clouds have dispersed, leaving the sun shining as brightly as ever. The storm that seemed to be hovering over our heads this morning seemed to have taken a different route and avoided Fuyuki altogether. I took that as a promising sign. Most likely it was little after four, since Neko-san dismissed me home.

I started walking again, but much slower this time, torn about what to do. Then I realized Ilya might not be home anyway, as she is hardly ever at home during the day, especially if she is by herself. Sometimes she worried me…

I knew we wouldn't have dinner together today because normally I work until late. I wondered when Ilya would be home.

Sighing, frustrated, I went in the direction of Sakura's house. I hated that I had to pick between them, but I felt that Sakura's situation was a little more urgent. I was walking much more brusquely this time, determined to set things right giving me new energy. I had no idea what I was going to say to her, but trying was better than nothing.

There are only a handful of times when I went to Sakura's house, mainly because she always came to mine. I remember the time when I went to the Matou household to talk to Shinji. We were in a smaller conference-like room, with two couches separated by a long table. Rider hovered behind Shinji, guarding, waiting. Sometimes, even now, I still wonder when he had changed and how it happened. I shook my head and any thoughts of Shinji left my mind, returning once again to Sakura.

Once, she told me that my house has a very warm feel to it, and that she liked it. At the time, I thought it was strange that she said that. It was a few months after my dad died, and the estate still seemed too big and unfamiliar and cold to me, even though it had already been my home for five years. But with Sakura coming every day and Fuji-nee joining us, our family slowly, but surely, grew. A while after, Saber joined us, and then Ilya.

I sighed, and kept walking until I finally reached the large estate. The Matou mansion was toughly the same size as Tohsaka's home. Tohsaka's always reminded me of a mountainside villa, with a homey feel to it. Sakura's on the other hand, had a colder feel to it, as if it belonged to an aged couple that had died recently. For some reason I got a small shiver that ran down my spine as I approached it. I didn't like that Sakura lived in such a big and cold house, by herself and with only memories keeping her company. As I looked at it, I realized that maybe one of the reasons Sakura comes over all the time was because she didn't like being there by herself either. Why hadn't I realized this before?

I rang the doorbell as my mind kept spinning, but all my thoughts went away when Sakura opened the door. Her eyes widened in surprise and alarm as she looked at me. She seemed scared, though I don't know why she would be anything but angry with me.

"Senpai," she said, her voice trembling, "I am busy right now, doing homework…" Her voice was shaking slightly, but was otherwise firm. I knew she was lying to try to make me leave. It tugged at my heart to think that I hurt her so much that she wouldn't want to see me. She made a motion to close the door, but I gripped the door with my hand and stopped her at the last moment. Through the tiny crack, I looked her right in the eyes. She looked miserable.

"Sakura, please, I need to talk to you," I said, trying to get through to her.

"There isn't anything we need to talk about," she retorted, and I was temporarily taken aback by her firmness. Her voice didn't shake at all this time.

I remained silent for a while. She was looking down, but her hand was still on the door knob. "Do you want me to leave?" I asked her.

She hesitated, and because she didn't give me an answer right away I tried to persuade her again. "I really need to talk to you. I can either do it out here, or I can do it inside."

Sakura hesitated again, still looking down. I wondered if she was contemplating ways to make me leave. Finally, I saw her shoulders slump, resigned as she opened the door for me. I stepped inside and she closed the door behind me. Once she did, she stepped back, leaving several feel of distance between us. Silence fell. I wasn't sure how to start, but I didn't let myself stay silent and feel sorry for myself.

"Sakura, about yesterday," I started, feeling my mouth going dry, "I'm sorry I hurt you." Her lavender eyes were watching me. I wondered what she was thinking. "But I'm not sorry I know." I saw her flinch. "Sakura, I have to _know_ to help you."

She frowned, but looked more terrified as she started shaking her head, over and over. "Senpai, you can't," she said, taking a step back.

I tried a different tactic. "Okay, you don't have to forgive me. But you should at least forgive Tohsaka."

"Tohsaka…Senpai…" her voice trailed off, as if confused why I even brought her into the conversation.

"Sakura, she was only looking out for you. She specifically told me not to tell you because she knew it would hurt you if you did."

Sakura was frowning by the time I finished. It took her several moments by the time she replied. "Looking out for me? Senpai, I am confused." Though I heard her words, her tone did not match them at all. There was a hint of sarcasm underneath her rather lifeless voice. "If you say you know everything, then you know our history. You know that since I was a small child I was estranged from the Tohsaka house. You know that Tohsaka-Senpai made no effort to make any contact with me, though she was free to do so." She stated all this very blatantly, matter-of-factly, as if she was talking about somebody else's life, but not her own. "You said that she told you not to tell me because it would hurt me? It's not me knowing that hurts me. It's you knowing, Senpai," her tone changed dramatically and I saw her shoulders tremble. "You never should have known." Her voice cracked as she said it, then she broke down into tears.

I felt completely helpless. Not only have I never seen Sakura cry before, but it was entirely my fault she was crying. I did the first thing I could think of doing, and I gathered her in my arms and let her cry on my chest. Neither of us said a word while Sakura poured her heart out on my shirt. The only things disturbing the silence between us were her sobs and occasional sniffles. When I left her tears stopped, her sobs replaced by dry hiccups, and she started to calm down, that was when I spoke again.

I took her by the shoulders and drew her back so that I could see her face. Her eyes were red. I whipped away the remaining of her tears with my thumbs. "A while ago she told me the entire story and confessed how incredibly ashamed and guilty she felt for not coming for you. She wanted to so many times in the past, but she always decided against it because she was afraid you would blame her as well, just as she blames herself." I sigh, and I watched Sakura, though all she did was look at me with a strange expression on her face that I couldn't identify. "She can't fix the past, and because of the past, she can't move on to the future."

I waited for Sakura to say something, but she stayed oddly quiet. As silence stretched, I began to feel more and more awkward, and I started talking again, half hoping I was making a difference, the other half simply to fill the void. "I can't tell you how many times she stood by the front gates of your house, at war with herself whether she should make another step or not, whether she should come talk to you like she knew she should have all along. But the more she decided against it, the more time passed. And the more time passed, the more she was reluctant to go see you at all, thinking it is too late."

I paused again, wondering if Sakura was ready to talk, but she was still watching me. Her lavender eyes switching back and forth between mine as if looking to see one of them will disagree with me. "I know it's not my business to say this, but I honestly think you both will be in a much better state by letting go of what is past and reestablishing your relationship. I've been trying to convince her to do that for weeks, but she is just as stubborn as she is ashamed at herself. Like I said, I know this isn't my business, but I am only looking out for you, for the both of you."

Sakura seemed oddly still, and I was about to ask her if she was ok, when she suddenly drew her hand to her mouth, her brows wrinkled up and I saw tears in her eyes again. Alarmed, I thought back to what I said, wondering if I said something wrong, something that might have upset her, but I didn't find anything.

"Sakura, what—"

"I've always loved you, Senpai," she said, and launched herself into my arms again.

I was taken aback, but I smiled nonetheless and stroked her hair. "I love you too, Sakura."

Immediately as I said it, it was as if it all came crashing down on me. My hand stopped mid-motion, and before my eyes, I saw memory after memory of Sakura: Sakura smiling at me, Sakura helping me with my chores, Sakura cooking breakfast, Sakura being firm with me when I was injured during the Holy Grail war. It seemed it was going back in time. Now I was seeing her tending to my injured shoulder, her bringing me food to my room, her kind smile. Immediately as I said it, I realized something what Tohsaka and Fuji-nee meant in their comments about Sakura and me. I realized something I should have seen all along, but I was too blind to see. Sakura didn't love me how I loved her. Or I should say, I didn't love her how she loved me.

This time it was Sakura who pulled away to look at me. Her eyes were full of wonder and hope, but when they made contact with mine, it was like she had an identical wake of reality. The wonder and hope vanished and were replaced by pure and heart-wrenching disappointment.

"Sakura..." I couldn't help but say that sadly, as if my heart was being squeezed in a tight fist. I loved Sakura, so, so much. But I loved her as a sister. I could never return her feelings because my heart will always belong to Saber. For how long had she had these feelings? Was I really that blind or have I been unconsciously shutting them out simply because I couldn't return them? Sakura understood the meaning of my words before I understood hers.

Sakura started shaking her head, though she didn't seem aware of herself doing so, and quickly stepped away from me. "I–I'm s–sorry, Senpai," she said, her voice trembling so badly, I hardly understood her. What was she apologizing for? I should be the one apologizing! She turned around and was ready to run away, but I saw what she wanted to do and got a hold of her wrist before she had a chance to.

"Sakura, please––"

"Senpai, I am so sorry to burden you with my feelings. I've always known I was unworthy of your love—"

"Sakura––"

"I understand, Senpai, Tohsaka-Senpai is a much better choice, prettier too—"

"Sakura!" I didn't mean to yell, but I couldn't seem to get through to hey any other way. She looked at me as if she just now realized that I've been trying to speak all along. But now that I've got her attention, what am I to say? What do you say to the person who loves you and has loved you for years, but you don't return their feelings? How will this change my relationship with Sakura? Will she shun me in her embarrassment? I didn't want to lose her. I've already lost one person I loved. Could my heart take another blow like that? "Sakura, I love you." I took her by the shoulders so she would look me in the eyes. "I love you," I repeated, waiting for a reaction. "You are part of the family. _My_ family_. _I don't know where I would be without you and everything you've done for me. I think I will be eternally indebted to you. You are the sister I never had."

I sighed, almost wishing I didn't have to say it. "But my heart belongs to Saber." Declaring my love for Saber has never been this hard. I've never had to declare my love for Saber to deny somebody else's.

Sakura remained silent for the longest time. Childishly, since I was so anxious for her answer, I started counting the seconds, but that seemed to bring me closer to insanity. Soon enough I lost count of how many minutes passed of us simply staring at each other.

Finally taking pity on me, she said, in the smallest of voices, "If you love Saber, what are you doing at Tohsaka-Senpai's house?"

Right. I didn't think about that. And Sakura didn't know about the Holy Grail War, nor where Saber went, or what happened to her. Sakura didn't know anything. On an impulse decision, I decided to tell her. I was so tired of lies and deception that I took her hand, led her to the couch, and told her everything. I didn't spare any details. I started from the beginning, with me witnessing the fight between Archer and Lancer, then continued with my near-death experience – or, better yet, death experience and then how I was revived. I told her what Kotomine told me about the Holy Grail Wars, and about what Saber was as well as my journey as a Master. Finally, I concluded with the night of the final battle and how Saber told me she loved me too before she disappeared. Sakura has been oddly composed throughout my entire speech, as if none of this sounded foreign to her at all.

I didn't know for how long I have been talking, but when I stopped, my throat felt oddly dry. I sighed. "To answer your question, the reason I go to Tohsaka's house is because she's helping me bring Saber back."

I saw her intake a sharp breath. "Can you do that, Senpai?"

Her reaction was better than I expected, so I exhaled relieved, surprised to find out that I was actually holding my breath. "Yeah, apparently. Tohsaka just found out a way to do that. That's why I had to run off on you at dinner," I smiled at her apologetically. "It was actually during one of our researching sessions that Tohsaka told me about you and her."

At the sound of Tohsaka's name, Sakura's body became oddly still. Her hands, folded neatly in her lap, clenched tightly. "You think she meant all that, Senpai?" she asked quietly.

Her question took me by surprise. "What, her being guilty she hasn't told you all this herself? Of course. I saw it, Sakura." She looked at me questioningly. "In her eyes, I mean, when she told me all this."

I saw her sigh and then she abruptly got up from the couch. My eyes drifted off for a few moments toward one of the windows and saw that it was getting dark out. They soon went back on Sakura, who was facing away from me. After several seconds, she turned around and said, "I would like to go see Nee-san."

The statement took me completely by surprise. First because she called Tohsaka "Nee-san," something I've never heard her say before, and because she said she wanted to go now.

"Right now, Sakura? It's pretty late," I said, looking outside again. It was growing steadily darker.

She clasped her hands together, looking resolute. "Yes, I would like to go now, Senpai."

I smiled at her. I couldn't argue with that face. "Ok, let's go now then." I held out my hand toward Sakura and she seemed momentarily surprised by that gesture before she smiled and grasped it. Together se set off to Tohsaka's house, which wasn't too far away. I wondered how this would go, me going to Tohsaka's house with Sakura. Technically, now I really betrayed her trust. Not only did Sakura knows everything that Tohsaka told me, but I told her how Tohsaka felt about the situation and about her. If there was any way to seal the betrayal, I just did it.

Out of the corner of my eye, I looked at Sakura. She was looking straight ahead, her expression serious. I wondered what she was thinking and how she was planning on talking to Tohsaka. I didn't really worry about it though. I had this feeling that Sakura would somehow make it all better.

"Are you still mad at me?" I asked her after a few minutes of silence, looking at her warily from the corner of my eye.

"I was never mad at you, Senpai," she answered evenly.

"But—"

Sakura turned to face me, and she was smiling. "I was ashamed, I was humiliated, I was horrified, but I was never mad at you." She paused, considered her words, then continued. "I was also very guilty, Senpai."

That surprised me more than anything. "Why would you be guilty, Sakura?"

"Because you found out I've been hiding things from you, Senpai. Important things. For all I knew, you didn't trust me anymore. I'm not the person you thought I was. I never was," she ended with a sad note in her tone.

My hand tightened slightly on hers and I frowned, feeling almost offended by her words. "Just because I didn't know certain things about you doesn't mean that you're a different person. You're still Sakura, you always were, and you always will be."

Sakura smiled warmly. Her eyes trailed toward our intertwined hands, then back to mine. "Thank you, Senpai," she said softly.

I smiled at her, and I continued to smile at her profile even after she looked away. After a few seconds, it faded as I kept looking at Sakura, my friend, my unbiological sister, and the girl who has had a crush on me for who knows how long. I couldn't help but think if this will have any sort of impact on our relationship. Would it at all? I couldn't help but think, as my eyes drifted toward our hands, that we seemed all right. That nothing was damaged between us. I involuntarily tightened my grip on her hand as I desperately hoped that to be true. However, my hoping might be different from the truth.

"Sakura," I started, unsure if I should breach this subject now, seeing as how we were almost at Tohsaka's.

"Yes, Senpai?" she looked at me questioningly.

"I was wondering…" I trailed off, suddenly feeling unsure whether I should even ask. I swallowed, and said, in a rush, "I was wondering if we are okay."

She didn't ask what I meant. Sakura smiled knowingly, her eyes drifting between our hands again, the ground, Tohsaka's house, then finally back to me. Finally, she said, "I just want you to be happy, Senpai." She paused. "Whether it's with me or somebody else, I just want you to be happy."

"But, before––" I started, feeling thoroughly confused.

"We're here," Sakura interrupted and let go of my hand to ring the doorbell.

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**A/N: I know I've said this before too, but this chapter was hard to write! One thing about fanfiction is that you're taking set characters int oa situation they've never been in before. And the problem with that is that, even if you know the characters inside and out, you still won't know how they will react. People surprise you all the time, and so do the characters. And this situation was completely unforseen by me when I was writing down the framework of this story.**

**But anyway, enough about that. I hope you guys like it, and yes, if you're wondering, I _am_ still working on this. I won't stop until I'm done. I've made a promise and I'm gonna stick with it.**

**Review please! : D  
**


	15. Forgiven

**A/N: Yes, I am still alive, and yes, I am still working on it. A promise is a promise.**

**Just to make sure you guys are still familiar with the notation here, **

**- [chapter name] - is from Shirou's POV**

**~ [chapter name] ~ is Rin's POV**

*** [chapter name] * Sakura's POV**

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**Chapter 14**

**- Forsaken -**

I didn't even have time to mentally prepare myself. Maybe rehearse what I was going to say to Tohsaka once she opens the door and sees me with Sakura. Maybe I should have, because she would know. Immediately once she will see me with Sakura, she will know I told her everything. She will know I sealed the betrayal. I would have to immediately launch into my explanation and hope she wouldn't slam the door in my face before I get the chance to tell her enough. She might slam the door in my face anyway, just by looking at me.

All these thoughts were spinning in my head a hundred miles an hour in the short few seconds that it took Sakura to ring the doorbell and us waiting for Tohsaka to answer. It was also in those short few seconds that I was relieved that I finally made the right decision. I've been on a streak of mistakes since that night, but talking to Sakura first was the right way to go. Tohsaka won't listen to me, but she will have ears for Sakura's words. I was sure of it.

There were a set of short steps to the door, and I positioned myself on the one lower from Sakura, so that I was slightly behind her, hoping Tohsaka would see her first. My breath caught in my throat as the door opened and I saw Tohsaka's expression change from curiosity to what could only be described as shock.

"Sakura, uh…W-what brings you here?" she stammered slightly and she fiddled with her skirt. Her manners forced her to be poised and polite, but it showed that she was unnerved by Sakura being there. For all I knew, Sakura never came at her door before. At least since she was sent to the Matous.

"I came to talk to you, Toh—" Sakura stopped mid-sentence, and took a deep breath. "Nee-san." Sakura's body was a little stiff, but she didn't seem as uncomfortable as Tohsaka. Her tone was normal, serene almost.

If Tohsaka was surprised at all at the change in formalities, she didn't show it. "All right, come on in." She motioned Sakura inside. When the latter stepped forward, Tohsaka saw that I was hiding and she fixed me with her narrowed gaze. Her glare was so penetrating, I swallowed loudly, preparing myself for her wrath.

Instead of yelling at me though, she looked down her nose at me like I was something disgusting she found on the back of her shoe, and simply said, "You can wait outside." And with that she promptly closed the door.

I stared at the door, and I almost couldn't believe she did that, even though I should have. Despite the tension, I chuckled and mused about how that was just like Tohsaka. I consented to waiting outside until Sakura was done and I would hear all the details from her. It wasn't too cold either, so I didn't mind. I was glad Sakura was able to talk with her sister and finally settle this. I walked down the stairs and I was making my way to the sidewalk, where I could sit down and wait when I heard a sound coming from behind me. I looked over my shoulder and saw that the door opened. Sakura walked out and in the doorframe there was a frustrated Tohsaka talking,

"–I don't want to see him," she said and folded her arms across her chest in a sign of finality.

"Please Nee-san, I need him there." With that, Sakura walked down the steps, put both of her hands around my arm. She looked back at Tohsaka and her expression looked much like a child toward her mother, asking for a second ice cream cone.

Tohsaka eyed the place where we were touching, and she frowned for a split second, pondering. Then she waved a hand and just said, "Fine."

Sakura smiled up at me and led me into the house. It felt like I haven't been here in so long, when it was only the other night that we both walked out together to go to the Matou house. So much has happened since then. I had a brief thought while I was walking through the door when I honestly wondered if things would ever be right again. If the damage that I caused was irreversible. Not necessarily between the two sisters, but between me and Tohsaka. Regardless of how hot-headed, and difficult, and infuriating, and temperamental she can be, Tohsaka was still one of the only close friends I had. She agreed to help me research something she did not believe was possible. She helped me more than she should have during the Holy Grail War. She saved my neck more times than I can count. I didn't want to lose her just because I made one stupid mistake.

Tohsaka closed the door behind us, and then promptly folded her arms across her chest again in her famous say-what-you-have-to-say-then-get-out pose. "Why did he have to be here? You could've told me what you had to tell me with him waiting outside too." I could tell she was still upset, but her tone was a lot softer with Sakura. More like a mother reprimanding a child for asking for that second ice cream cone.

"Because," Sakura started. Her fingers tightened ever so slightly on my arm. I didn't even realize she was still holding onto me until she did that. "Just like I wanted to forgive you, I think you should forgive Senpai as well."

Tohsaka's surprise reflected my own and our widened gazes met before we both looked at Sakura. I thought the entire purpose for us going to the Tohsaka house tonight was to set things right between the two of them. It seemed like Sakura had other plans in mind. Silence stretched between us, and I wasn't sure if I should say something or not. If I did, what could I say? So many thoughts were spinning in my mind, and yet, at the same time, it felt oddly blank. I couldn't seem to be able to connect two words together, let alone an entire sentence.

"Why should I forgive him?" Tohsaka's words were angry, her posture rigid. Set.

"Because without Senpai, I never would have found out some things about you. Talking to me on just a superficial level isn't the best way to show you care, Nee-san," Sakura smiled at Tohsaka, even though the latter blushed a bright red. It wasn't very often that I saw Tohsaka blush, and it also wasn't very often that I heard Sakura talk so boldly.

"I-" Tohsaka seemed at a loss for words. "I don't even know what to say." Her shoulders slumped and she looked down at the ground, completely forlorn. "All this time, I didn't really know what to do." Tohsaka looked up to meet her sister's eyes. She seemed to have forgotten that I was present. "We used to be so close, but in time, I didn't even know how to talk to you anymore. Father forbid me to ever go see you, and in the beginning I was too scared to do otherwise. But after he was gone, and the War was over, there was nothing in my way. Except Zouken of course," she frowned, adding him almost as an afterthought. "I was still very young. I didn't know anything. I promised Uncle Kariya that I would come back after you, but the more time I let pass, the more afraid I was to face you. I didn't want you to blame me, but I knew you would, and I was terrified of facing that." Her voice cracked and I saw one tear slide down her pale cheek. "I was terrified to face you, to face my own guilt. I don't deserve your forgiveness, Sakura," she said, her voice trembling violently now. "I'm such a coward," a sob broke her lips. She spoke a little more after that, but she was crying too hard for us to understand what she was saying. Finally, she covered her face with her palms and cried in earnest.

For just a moment, nobody made a sound, and the only thing that filled the silence were Tohsaka's sobs. Without another word, Sakura let go of my arm and ran to Tohsaka. Without another word, Sakura enveloped Tohsaka in her arms and let her sister cry on her shoulder. Tohsaka returned the embrace, and she held onto Sakura for dear life. It was at that moment that I decided to leave. This was a private moment, no outsiders should be present, witnessing this. As quietly as I could, I opened the door and left. When I took one last look behind me, they were in the same position, so I knew they didn't notice my leaving.

Once I closed the door behind me, I sighed in relief, and smiled up at the sky. Whether my relationship with Tohsaka was damaged or broken, right now it didn't matter to me. What mattered is that it looked like the two sisters were back together, and that thought alone made me inexplicably happy. I would take it one step at a time, and right now, that was enough. Feeling lighter than I did in a while, I started on the route to go back home.

* * *

*** Forgiven ***

I didn't know for how long I held Nee-san as she cried on my shoulder. That gave me a lot of time to think. I realized everything that happened in the last 12 years. Or didn't happen. I realized I thought Nee-san didn't care for me anymore and simply abandoned me to the Matous like father did. I realized that I bore a long, burning hatred for her, even though, deep down, I always wanted her to love me back. I've always wanted us to be like we were. Though I don't have very many memories of us from when we were that young and still together, I cherished those blurred, rough sketches that my mind created to preserve those memories. Finding out that she had cared for me all along made me incredibly happy, and at the same time, incredibly angry. She didn't know what I went through, she didn't know anything about the agony of simply living in the same building as Matou Zouken. I didn't think that guilt and shame were enough reasons for her to abandon me. I almost wanted her to work for her forgiveness, but at the same time, I wanted to forgive her more than anything.

As I held her to cry on my shoulder, I also realized that she is merely human. Humans make mistakes. Humans aren't perfect. She wasn't always strong, she wasn't always brave, and she didn't always do the right thing. As I listened to her I realized that she blames herself more than I ever will. My anger and bitterness vanished, and all I wanted to do was comfort her and make her pain go away.

For some inexplicable reason, I remembered one time when we were little and I was crying on my pillow. My memory shed away the reason for my tears, but I remember clearly Nee-san coming on the bed next to me. I looked up at her and saw that her big blue eyes were sad, but she tried to smile nonetheless and said, "Don't cry, Sakura-chan. Onee-chan loves you!" And she hugged me tightly.

I smiled at the memory, even though I felt a wet streak on my cheek and realized I started crying too. Sniffing, I took Nee-san by the shoulder. She immediately stepped back away from me, as if wondering if it was ok that she cried on my shoulder. Her eyes were tear-stricken, puffy and red from all the crying. As they were searching mine, they widened as I got closer. Gently, I cupped her cheeks and rubbed her tears with my thumbs, and said, smiling through my own tears, "Don't cry, Nee-san. Onee-chan loves you."

Nee-san sniffed, but when she spoke, her voice was surprisingly steady. "I need to show you something." Without another word, she took my hand, much like she used to do when we were little, and led me up two flights of stairs. As we passed rooms and corridors, I tried to remember what all of them were used for, but couldn't. My memory shed away all this seemingly useless information with time until I couldn't remember much of anything from my old home.

Nee-san stopped in front of the many unidentified doors. This one was to the side of another staircase. I looked at her questioningly, but all she did was motion toward it for me to go in.

I opened the door, but stayed in the doorframe. Even though she told me to go in, I felt awkward going any further. I looked around, surveying the room. It was very elegantly furnished, with a large, four-poster bed, two nightstands, a dresser with a large round mirror, everything carved in cherry wood, with the same style as the rest of the house. The crystal chandelier and the red silk curtains gave the room a nice touch. I didn't know how I knew that that was her room. Perhaps I remember, or perhaps it was simply because the dominant color theme of the room was red, Nee-san's favorite color. There was nothing else about it that would indicated it was her bedroom though, since there was nothing individualized in the room. No books or personal items on the nightstands, nothing on the walls, like a painting or a picture frame, nothing. It looked like a fancy hotel room. Vacant and cold.

I looked at her, wondering why she brought me here. Instead of answering the question in my eyes, she gave me a gentle nudge to step further, and she closed the door behind us.

Surprisingly, and completely out of place, on the opposite wall from her large bed, was a small twin one, with a baby blue comforter with cherry blossoms on it. On the bed there were also matching pillows, a small pink heart-shaped pillow and a large teddy-bear.

These images stirred something inside me, something about them tugged at my memory, but I was left blank. Nee-san walked away from my side and went to the nightstand that was further away from us and took the picture frame that was sitting on it. Until she picked it up, I didn't even notice it was there. She brought it over and showed it to me.

The image brought tears to my eyes, flowing fast. It was us, when we were little. When everything was the way it should be. When everything was still right. When I was still…_myself_.

I suddenly understood what she was showing me. All the things on the twin bed, including the bed itself, used to be mine when I was a child. I vaguely remembered any of the things on it, but the fact that she kept them in her room, for all these years, said more to me than she could ever say in words.

"Sakura?" Nee-san's voice was soft and shy, reminding me once again of when we were kids. When I looked in her eyes, I saw that she had stopped crying. "I'm sorry."

I smiled through my tears, wondering how I could have ever even dreamed of holding a grudge against her. I gathered her in my arms, and said, "It's okay. Everything is okay now."

* * *

**A/N:** **Ok guys, I _know_ this chapter is shorter than all my other ones. I tried to continue it, but it didn't sound right. I felt like the chapter naturally ended there, so I let it like that. Don't worry, this is not going to be a usual occurrence. I hope you guys enjoyed it, and, once again, I apologize for the long wait.**

**I also want to thank you all for your support. When I put this story on hold and clearly said that I won't have time to work on it as I used to, I didn't expect most of you to stay. Nor did I expect more people to come along who are willing to wait. You guys are the very reason I am still writing. Knowing that so many people are waiting is like a daily push for me to write. And, I have been writing daily for the past two weeks, little by little.**

**Thank you all for those who are waiting, thank you for your reviews and kind words, adding this tory to your favorites or alerts or simply reading it is enough for me. You guys are the greatest, I love you all. :)**


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